I had what I experienced as dp for about 5 months before I came out of it. This happened to me when I was 18 years old. I'm now 25 years old and haven't had it happen again. For years I've wanted to go back and tell others what helped me, so I'm finally getting around to it. I hope that my story can help someone else.
At 18 I had a horrible social phobia, generalized anxiety, major depressions, etc. that I had been dealing with for years. But the dp started the night I went away to college to spend my first night in my new dorm. I had a five hour panic attack...and that's when it all began. When I woke up I didn't feel like me anymore. It was like everything had been replaced. Nothing mattered anymore. The world felt one demensional. I was so scared. I stopped being able to eat or sleep hardly at all. When I did try to eat I would throw up from anxiety. I went down to 93 lbs, a 10 lbs loss in that first week. I felt like I had the flu, I really wanted there to be some obvious reason this was happening that was easily explainable and treatable. So I went to the school doctor where I was perscribed Xanax....only I was too afraid to take it without someone to hold my hand. At this point in my mnetal health experience I didn't even know what Xanax was...I thought I could end up losing it even more. Although in hindsight I think taking it would have done a lot of good. I also went to the school therapists, cried my eyes out, only to have them ask me if maybe some of my new friends might be feeling the same way. It felt hopeless...I hid what was happening to me for three weeks before I decided to drop out of school so I could go home to feel safe again.
When I got home my parents were pissed. My parents thought I was going through normal young person fears....I tried my best to explain to them that I no longer had any normal feelings, that looking at my house, friends, dog, etc caused no normal feeling of attachment or memory. They felt like I was just trying to get attention by having an eating disorder, when really the throwing up was just a symptom. I felt like an imposter in my own life and like I was clinging to my last bit of sanity with all the strength I had.
For the first couple months I tried to maintain a normal life by going to community college and still seeing my friends. I even got my first job. But I just gave up after awhile. I didn't want my friends to see me the way I had become, and during class and work I felt like I was on a distant planet. For awhile it seemed like nobody knew anything was wrong as long as I didn't say anything about it...but then I did start talking, and that's when I realized nobody seemed to understand me.
Many people gave me advice, but none of it seemed to come from an understanding of where I was. I dropped out of classes, started sleeping next to my mom every night (or more like staying awake all night staring at the cieling), and sat in my mom's car all day while she was at work (so she could take me to the hospital if anything happened). I was able to eat just enough to maintain my 93 lbs. I was always on the verge of colapse. I also started accumulating more anxiety disorders: OCD, claustrophobia, hypochondria, and so many more problems. My thinking also became disordered...I was really scared of the concept of time...I could literally feel every second pushing me forward. My thoughts became really existential. My memory was so bad that I started keeping a log book to keep track of if I had eaten, gone to the bathroom, or drank any water. I weighed myself multiple times a day out of fear I could have lot more weight. I started resigning myself to the idea that I could die. The only thing that comforted me was religion.
Change came when I went to my general doctor...she decided I was bipolar. She perscribed me Zyprexa. At this point I had decided that things probably couldn't get any worse so I took it. I immediately started sleeping and being able to eat a little bit more. But it didn't get rid of all the strange feelings I was having. She also gave me the number of a therapist.
When I saw the therapist, she decided that I should seek emergency mental care...however my doctor talked her out of it. Instead she found me a psychiatrist. He said I was just having a mental breakdown, but he gave me strong doses of Wellburtrin and Lorazapam. He wanted to avoid SRI's because they can be related to making people more manic. Eventually it became clear that I wasn't getting any better. He told my family and I to start seeking a second opinion, however as a last effort he decided to chance the SRI Zoloft. It didn't take long before the zoloft started helping. I started to feel more hopeful. Then, after a bit over a week of taking it, I had a gran mal seziure.
My seizure lasted only about 45 seconds. According to my parents I was unconcious, my eyes rolled back, I turned blue. But all it felt like to me was that I had blinked. My parents were terrified...now they finally believed me that something was wrong. They called an ambulance. I was really scared once my parents told me what had happened and my heart was beating out of my chest. I didn't even know what a seizure was exactly. But although I was scared, things felt different. I wasn't claustrophobic when they put me in the ambulance. I was present in the moment. The oxygen helped and the saline drip put spit in my mouth the first time in months.
The verdict was that the seizure had been caused by the Wellbutrin which is known to cause seizures in anorexic women. So I was immidiately taken off that. They determined that I didn't have epilepsy. And after about four hours they sent me home. But I knew I was better. I recognized the drive home. I felt calm. When we got back I ate just fine. Then in the morning I called my friends to celebrate. And the day after that I went shopping with my friends...and did that everyday for the next couple weeks.
I can't begin to describe how good I felt. I could enjoy food, I could sleep, and everything little thing with my friends felt like a miracle to be doing again. I recognized everything in my life. I had memories.
The seizure had been like a reboot for my brain. I had been so worried that my memories and normal functionioning was gone....but it was all still there after the seizure.
I stayed on the Zoloft, but they eventually took me off the Zyprexa. I gained all my weight and more back. I've been on SRI's ever since, which is a small price to pay for being happy and healthy. Also I've never had another seizure. My current SRI is 40 mg of Celexa (citalopram) and I have Lorazapam if I ever have a panic attack, which is almost never and deffinately never like I had my first night of college. I also got a new psychiatrist that does cognitive therapy with me. I've been with him for about five years. Because my symptoms are under control I am able to utilize the techniques he teaches me.
The only time I ever even feel a hint of the feelings I felt before is if I'm having a bit of a panic attack... but now I know how to control them. He took me awhile to get over my fear of it coming back...I still have dreams where it's all happening to me again...but when I wake up I know that I'm okay.
And to be honest, I'm better off for having made it through all of that. My relationship with my parents got so much better once they could understand a little bit what had happened to me. I'm so much more happy with my life than I was before all of this happened, and I appreciate all the little things. I also got my BA in psychology and then left to travel the world...something that I never thought I'd ever get to do when I was going through all of that.
So my advice? Be brave when it comes to shock therapy...It's much more safe than what happened to me because they can control it and not let it happen to your entire brain. Also SRI's can make a world of difference. Hang in there because things can change fast. There is hope!
At 18 I had a horrible social phobia, generalized anxiety, major depressions, etc. that I had been dealing with for years. But the dp started the night I went away to college to spend my first night in my new dorm. I had a five hour panic attack...and that's when it all began. When I woke up I didn't feel like me anymore. It was like everything had been replaced. Nothing mattered anymore. The world felt one demensional. I was so scared. I stopped being able to eat or sleep hardly at all. When I did try to eat I would throw up from anxiety. I went down to 93 lbs, a 10 lbs loss in that first week. I felt like I had the flu, I really wanted there to be some obvious reason this was happening that was easily explainable and treatable. So I went to the school doctor where I was perscribed Xanax....only I was too afraid to take it without someone to hold my hand. At this point in my mnetal health experience I didn't even know what Xanax was...I thought I could end up losing it even more. Although in hindsight I think taking it would have done a lot of good. I also went to the school therapists, cried my eyes out, only to have them ask me if maybe some of my new friends might be feeling the same way. It felt hopeless...I hid what was happening to me for three weeks before I decided to drop out of school so I could go home to feel safe again.
When I got home my parents were pissed. My parents thought I was going through normal young person fears....I tried my best to explain to them that I no longer had any normal feelings, that looking at my house, friends, dog, etc caused no normal feeling of attachment or memory. They felt like I was just trying to get attention by having an eating disorder, when really the throwing up was just a symptom. I felt like an imposter in my own life and like I was clinging to my last bit of sanity with all the strength I had.
For the first couple months I tried to maintain a normal life by going to community college and still seeing my friends. I even got my first job. But I just gave up after awhile. I didn't want my friends to see me the way I had become, and during class and work I felt like I was on a distant planet. For awhile it seemed like nobody knew anything was wrong as long as I didn't say anything about it...but then I did start talking, and that's when I realized nobody seemed to understand me.
Many people gave me advice, but none of it seemed to come from an understanding of where I was. I dropped out of classes, started sleeping next to my mom every night (or more like staying awake all night staring at the cieling), and sat in my mom's car all day while she was at work (so she could take me to the hospital if anything happened). I was able to eat just enough to maintain my 93 lbs. I was always on the verge of colapse. I also started accumulating more anxiety disorders: OCD, claustrophobia, hypochondria, and so many more problems. My thinking also became disordered...I was really scared of the concept of time...I could literally feel every second pushing me forward. My thoughts became really existential. My memory was so bad that I started keeping a log book to keep track of if I had eaten, gone to the bathroom, or drank any water. I weighed myself multiple times a day out of fear I could have lot more weight. I started resigning myself to the idea that I could die. The only thing that comforted me was religion.
Change came when I went to my general doctor...she decided I was bipolar. She perscribed me Zyprexa. At this point I had decided that things probably couldn't get any worse so I took it. I immediately started sleeping and being able to eat a little bit more. But it didn't get rid of all the strange feelings I was having. She also gave me the number of a therapist.
When I saw the therapist, she decided that I should seek emergency mental care...however my doctor talked her out of it. Instead she found me a psychiatrist. He said I was just having a mental breakdown, but he gave me strong doses of Wellburtrin and Lorazapam. He wanted to avoid SRI's because they can be related to making people more manic. Eventually it became clear that I wasn't getting any better. He told my family and I to start seeking a second opinion, however as a last effort he decided to chance the SRI Zoloft. It didn't take long before the zoloft started helping. I started to feel more hopeful. Then, after a bit over a week of taking it, I had a gran mal seziure.
My seizure lasted only about 45 seconds. According to my parents I was unconcious, my eyes rolled back, I turned blue. But all it felt like to me was that I had blinked. My parents were terrified...now they finally believed me that something was wrong. They called an ambulance. I was really scared once my parents told me what had happened and my heart was beating out of my chest. I didn't even know what a seizure was exactly. But although I was scared, things felt different. I wasn't claustrophobic when they put me in the ambulance. I was present in the moment. The oxygen helped and the saline drip put spit in my mouth the first time in months.
The verdict was that the seizure had been caused by the Wellbutrin which is known to cause seizures in anorexic women. So I was immidiately taken off that. They determined that I didn't have epilepsy. And after about four hours they sent me home. But I knew I was better. I recognized the drive home. I felt calm. When we got back I ate just fine. Then in the morning I called my friends to celebrate. And the day after that I went shopping with my friends...and did that everyday for the next couple weeks.
I can't begin to describe how good I felt. I could enjoy food, I could sleep, and everything little thing with my friends felt like a miracle to be doing again. I recognized everything in my life. I had memories.
The seizure had been like a reboot for my brain. I had been so worried that my memories and normal functionioning was gone....but it was all still there after the seizure.
I stayed on the Zoloft, but they eventually took me off the Zyprexa. I gained all my weight and more back. I've been on SRI's ever since, which is a small price to pay for being happy and healthy. Also I've never had another seizure. My current SRI is 40 mg of Celexa (citalopram) and I have Lorazapam if I ever have a panic attack, which is almost never and deffinately never like I had my first night of college. I also got a new psychiatrist that does cognitive therapy with me. I've been with him for about five years. Because my symptoms are under control I am able to utilize the techniques he teaches me.
The only time I ever even feel a hint of the feelings I felt before is if I'm having a bit of a panic attack... but now I know how to control them. He took me awhile to get over my fear of it coming back...I still have dreams where it's all happening to me again...but when I wake up I know that I'm okay.
And to be honest, I'm better off for having made it through all of that. My relationship with my parents got so much better once they could understand a little bit what had happened to me. I'm so much more happy with my life than I was before all of this happened, and I appreciate all the little things. I also got my BA in psychology and then left to travel the world...something that I never thought I'd ever get to do when I was going through all of that.
So my advice? Be brave when it comes to shock therapy...It's much more safe than what happened to me because they can control it and not let it happen to your entire brain. Also SRI's can make a world of difference. Hang in there because things can change fast. There is hope!
