'You' are not your symptoms

There is a nature reserve over the road from my house, huge lakes and lots of cute bunny wabbits and birds and today is t-shirt weather. I rode the bike around the lakes and loved every minute of the weather and the scenery, cheesy as hell I know, but I felt so happy.

So to anyone who wonders if it is possible to climb back out of the abyss and to feel good again - it is.

When I came back, I sat in the garden and remembered the last time the sun was out and I sat there, that day, trying so hard to fathom why I felt the way I did. I had sat playing cards with my boyf and felt as though I was beyond help. I had a horrible image in my head that day, that I was actually playing cards in the grounds of a mental hospital, and that he had come to visit me, out of pity. I truly believed I was beyond help. Perhaps if I realised that this was actually true and that I could not help myself in the way I was trying to, by actively working my way deeper into the maze, then I would have started to get better.

As I sat in the garden this afternoon, the sun brought back this memory and others of last summer, and I felt the panic rise in my stomach. Then I thought, hang on, I felt THAT bad, and yet here I am, 9 months on, and not only am I still here, I am not mad, nothing happened, I got better, I am getting better and in most respects, feel better than I ever have done about a lot of things.

So, I didn't go mad. Now I understand how dp works and it is not this dark sinister thing that happens that I must understand and think through and work out etc, I know there is nothing to be gained by going down that route. Habit and memory still have me, just like that flashback brought on that panic, but it is just a SYMPTOM. I can just go about my life and not only force myself to focus outwards (but not knowing why), but genuinely BELIEVE that there is nothing out there, lurking, trying to pull me back down, other than a part of my own mind, which out of habit has created a pull towards this type of thought.

The 'issues' that created the symptoms won't go away over night, but 'issues' aren't such a problem, if they aren't causing 'symptoms' maybe that means they no longer become 'issues' ?!?! It is easy to feel defined by our disorders or issues or symptoms, but we are not and we must remember that, we all have problems, some more prevalent than others, but the idea is not to become superhuman, but to take these problems and make them just a small part of ourselves, so that all the other features and positive attributes we have come forward and the others take a back seat, and we live our lives despite them, and learn from them. Who would want to be perfect anyway? No one would like you!

I sit here typing actually feeling a little dr'd. The sun can spin me out sometimes, but it kind of doesn't bother me - I'm not scared, because whatever it is, it isn't going to kill me, I'm bigger than this, I am not a mental illness, and there are a hundred and one things I have to get on with today, there is no way this f*cker can even compete. Even my 'issues' aren't bigger than me, they are just a part of me and are going to have to take a back seat and let me get on with my life because they have been stopping me for far too long now.
No great bolt of lightening, just pick yourself up, take what you have learned from life and keep going.