Discussion Starter · #1 ·
When I was a teenager, I used to tell my friends that everything around me felt like a movie. Is this what that feeling was? I can't believe there is a name for what I've felt (which is what I'm sure everyone here has thought when they found out about this). I always thought that it was just me going crazy, or being weird as people always called me. I always had small bouts of DR at different times in my life. As a kid, I never felt like I belonged anywhere. Even in my memories, it's like nothing happened to me. Then I started smoking pot as a teenager, and the majority of my time spent high was with this feeling--paranoid and not belonging there but not belonging anywhere. I still wonder why I did it so often. Then I took mushrooms one night--the worst thing that I ever did. I do remember that it was like I wasn't in my body, and I couldn't read people the right way. It was awful. I didn't want to be near anyone. I had a litter of 12 puppies, and I went to sit with them. Looking at them was strange. That can't-be-explained-but-I-wish-I-could feeling. It was like they weren't real, and I wanted them gone (I love and rescue dogs, so that's very out of character.) So I tried to lay down (yeah right. If you've ever taken mushrooms or acid, you know there's no chance of sleeping when you're tripping). As I was laying there, I became convinced that I was going to die. I ran out to find my boyfriend, and in a moment of clarity, kept asking him when it was going to be over. I wanted to be done. Then all clarity was gone. I kept asking for my watch because I knew that I was going to die and I wanted to know what time it was when I did. I just FELT that I was going to die that night. Then when I realized I wasn't going to die, I wanted to know how I could raise a kid if I was crazy. You can't raise a kid when you don't know reality. The next year or so (still happens 6 years later) was pretty bad. I started having panic attacks after that, and I think it was because I was afraid to lose reality again; terrified actually. I believe that doing drugs opened a door that was already slightly ajar. Actually, drugs slammed opened that door. Boy, it's really hard to keep these stories short, isn't it? Oh...I read that fluorescent lights bothers someone else. They almost guarantee me to get DR (or tweak as a friend called it). I hate them. I have left interviews and meetings with people, dr.s, bosses because it feels so fake. Bad, bad lighting too. That triggers it. And heat and humidity. I need to tell my dad that there is a name for the thing he's tried to explain to me and the thing that I never told him that I felt.