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Guys I am really confused, fed up and scared of what might happen. (Lose control)

There are 2 stages or parts to my DPD if you like. There is:

1) The constant fuzziness/cloudiness (for the want of better words) and existential thinking.

2) "The panic attacks" (I think they are) of extreme confusion, misunderstanding, loss of self, very distant from myself (but who am I?)

All the time I am experiencing point 1 above which I can just about cope with. I am managing this by telling myself things like - 'you are intelligent,' 'you just tend to think more deeply than the average person,' 'the thoughts you are having of existence and death and the universe are not actually going to cause any immediate action so its OK, its just thoughts not reality,' 'yes you may die in the future but the thoughts of death now aren't going to cause immediate death or anything instantly bad to actually happen.'

The real problem I have which is making me have very negative and morbid thoughts is the "panic attacks." The thing is I don't know if they are panic attacks because it seems something more. I don't feel grounded or confident that what happens is just panic. I'll try and explain:

Regularly when I am either i) on my own or ii) in bed or iii) in the dark iv) in the car; I lose identity of who I am. I start shouting random words and get confused and can't work out who I am and feel like my mind or consciousness has split into several parts. The best way I can describe it is 'I feel like the part of my brain which tells me: I am me, leaves for a while and I then get really scared it isn't going to come back. It scares me so much I scream, swear and shout and hit things until I tire myself out or I can't feel my throat any more.

The key thing for me is distraction. The problem is I am finding it so hard to distract myself when I am about to go to sleep. I tense my neck, back and jaw because I am scared to relax and drift off to sleep. I think "if I let myself relax something really bad is going to happen to my mind."

I love relaxing and surfing and living a very chilled out beach kinda life. I haven't been able to do this for a long time though because I am so scared. I don't know what I am scared of any more though. Even now when I am typing this up I am scared of my own hands typing in front of me because they are not my hands and I cant feel myself telling my hands what to do. I am really fed up of this because it brings on the panic. I feel like my body is going to collapse from exhaustion all the time.

Does anyone else feel like they have to do something shocking like, scream or shout or hit things or plan something shocking in your head you are going to do or say to someone to snap out of the panic of "part of your brain which tells you, you are you leaves for a while?"

Sometimes it gets so bad my mind just empties and I am just staring into space and all of a sudden I panic because I have no thoughts, and an empty mind scares me! I start screaming again. I know this is panic but the actual empty thoughts, blank mind confusion over who I am, my mind splitting into several places and on top of this not understanding who Ben is or whats going on is really annoying me.

I would never commit suicide because I believe in God and he will help me through all of this. I pray a lot but the praying sometimes brings on the panic because I hear my own voice in my head. I get really scared I am going to go crazy and kill myself because I am mad! I get scared that my thoughts will take over my actions and I will lose control.

When I panic I am scared to hear my wife say my name or to look in the mirror or say words like 'I' or 'me' because when my mind kind of leaves Ben's body, I am scared of the body and what Ben is! I find if I talk to myself in my mind I am another mind talking to Ben's body. Its this separation between the mind and body that scares me. And I feel "stuck in between" the mind and body and I don't know where to go? If I go with the body it scares me because it doesn't feel like mine. If I go with the mind it feels safer but then I am scared of the body. I just keep pretending to have conversations with other people in my mind to try and get back to my body. I usually pretend I am talking to my bosses at work telling them shocking things like " I don't want to work in this terrible place any more" or "I am not coming in tomorrow because I am losing my mind." Or I plan something shocking in my mind that I am going to do, like drive my car for miles and not stop!

The other thing that helps me calm down is going on the chat part of this site. Just having the chat room open at night helps me feel "safe" even if I don't say anything. I know if I wake up in a fright I can just type something if I need to. All of this isn't a permanent solution though and I usually end up feeling safe enough to fall asleep between 4 or 5am. This is difficult to get up for work an hour or 2 later though. Incidentally I am off work today for the first time in months because I am in so much pain all over from stress and lack of sleep.

I know I have written about all of this before but I need to get it off my mind because it helps me realize I am not going crazy it is just DPD.

Thanks for reading

Big Ben
 

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I have the exact same feelings and thoughts as you do. I don't scream or shout but tend to get even quieter which of course gets my minds running even wilder than before. The biggest feeling I get whether at home, work or just driving my car is that 'is this all for real?' 'am i really driving my car?' 'are these people REAL?' I tend to pop myself back into 'reality' for short moments when this happens. I am trying to deal with my dp and anxiety sans medication. The chat has been very helpful to me at times in regards to feeling more 'REAL'. I go to a therapist regularly and have told her many times the one of the best ways to describe how i feel is like I am 'living in the Matrix'. The whole 'What is real?' question always pops in my head. It is somewhat comforting that I am not the only one who has this problem and has these weird and bizarre thoughts. Just droning on and on I know. Hang in the bro. We all are.
 
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