OK, it is incredible to be more "back to normal" typing this, after having some of the worst DP I've ever had. And I don't know if I can even say it was DR as it was in a dream... no doubt about that now that I'm awake, but I feel drugged, from the dream.
Thank God there's a place to write. I was going to call a suicide hotline just to talk with someone. Not wanting to kill myself, just needing to bring myself back into life.
Variables. I always make an account of variables when I feel this bad.
1. Period just started - night sweats
2. New psych eval at U.ofM. which I was looking forward too only 4 hours ago when I went to bed. Exam at 12:45pm -- intake starts. Was looking forward to day in my college town. Even driving by a few apartment buildings.
3. Fear from a weird symptom I got on Monday night. Swelling/edema, fluid retention in my left calf. Scared me, but I took care of myself, found it's probably nothing, will follow it up. Spoke w/doctor. Called my husband long distance. But reminded of being completely alone.
4. The election. Fear of making "the wrong vote" -- my God I hold the fate of the world on my shoulders. Such exagerration (of my own power -- I'm thinking of something Janine might say)
5. I'm going to be 46 in a month, oh my God, exactly one month. The 2nd, just looked at my calendar. So four hours ago, in one month, I will be 46.
I feel weak. My right arm feels week. And it's not entirely "here", but I'm basically here. I have not felt this bad in.... I don't recall.
Now all my plans, upbeat feelings, are "on hold", don't trust anything. Don't trust every upbeat thing I've posted. Can't accomplish anything. No tears, no emotion.
But this was all a dream, about havning trouble really getting to sleep.
Was worried about not getting enough sleep for drive, entire day in Ann Arbor for evaluation. I was so excited about my NAMI meeting there, about moving there, about writing, about school, even, about working.
This was a dream. I know I slept. And it couldn't have happened.
Essentially at 12pm I turn off the TV, watching election coverage. No answers. Typical. Not worried. Only a bit concerned that I'll have a night sweat which will wake me up and I'll feel yukky and will then take away some hours of sleep.
I wake up, yes with a night sweat, but it feels I haven't been asleep, but no dreams (which is not usual for me) but usual when I have an experience like this. I got up, did something with the heat, had a drink of water, then had that little "hit" of DP, like "Who am I?" of course, the feeling I would have as I'm going somewhere important in the morning. If it were work, my first day of work, an interview, a party, lunch with someone, I wouldn't go.
I go back to bed.
It's a dream, but it's a dream of falling asleep, then getting caught in horrific DP, then trying to wake myself up. The dream is of sleeping and trying to wake up. Over and over and over, I slip into an "altered state", severe DP where I can't feel myself at all. I try to get out of it, to move my body to wake myself up... and I think, when I'm awake, I may actually be awake (in real life). SO this is maybe 1 hour of endless transition between sleep/wakefulness.
Also the feeling SC describes. Complete and utter fear. The kind of fear I would feel years ago as a child if I were in my room and heard a sound in the hall and imagined something scary coming.... a searing feeling... no other word... a heat.
And I'm gone, completely gone. I try to scream, no sound, I try biting my hands to wake myself up. At one point -- important I gather -- I want to run to my mother's room. Well my mother is in reality dead now for about 3 years and she had been "dead" with Alzheimer's for 10 years before that.
Being incredibly alone.
Over and over, trying to wake up. Falling back in to the horrible DP. Shaking myself, trying to scream when there is nothing coming from my throat, it's dark, my eyes are closed. I'm biting my hands to wake myself up. Over and over and over.
I'm finally awake. It takes me 5-10 minutes to reorient. I'm not afraid when awake, just.... miserable. How can this happen. I look forward, I plan, I think "I'm better" and I get kicked down. I could say this echoes the experience of my entire growing up. My mother kicking me down every time I got up.
Or this could simply be anxiety to the nth degree. Intense anxiety that I really wasn't feeling when I went to sleep that expressed itself in my dream about going to the doctor. But I'm not anxious right now. I'm sort of like a robot, but I am no where near as DP. I am for me 5 billion times better. I think it can't get worse, but often in my dreams it gets terrible.
OK, I'm tired. This is my record.
THere are no bite-marks on my hands. I'm sort of afraid to go back to sleep, but not.
I mainly feel alone, but it doesn't really matter, but of course it does.
Complete nothingness, that when biting my hands in my dream I could barely feel it. No screams coming out of my mouth. COmplete "nothingness" but not dead. Need for help. Perceptual shift of sleep to waking, but not completely awak.
OK, this is my record. Had to put it down. Can print it and read it to the doctors tomorrow.
This is the most Hellish illness that could possibly be. I would say, I hadn't gone mad, I don't fear going mad, I fear exactly what I dreamed, only never being able to escape from the nothingness. Being aware of existing, yet only existing and not being able to be connected to anything in reality. It is the sensations that are so Hellish. And fearing I'll be trapped that way forever. Not dead, not alive. Existing.
Have to try to go back to bed.
Will copy this and print this. I'm glad this board is here. I hope to god I feel better in about 4 hours so I can go to see this damned shrink, etc.
Had to get this out.
Feel drugged. Not tired.
Thank you for reading if you did.
God damn this.
I guess this is a "night terror" as well. I've had similar, but I never remember how horrible they are. A good swift kick in the head, that knocks the wind out of me, and takes away all hope. Hope of any normal life.