[kchendrix]

I know what I am doing wrong but I don?t know why. I?m Monitoring every moment I live. It keeps me trapped inside my own head. No sense to keep mentioning the symptoms and what hell it feels like in here. The want and desire to be myself again is overwhelming. I grasp at straws, I look for hope. I had a dream last night that we drove to California. When I went in the hotel room I was removed from my body and watching myself?. As I watched myself I could make the tears flow from my face even though disconnected as if my body was a robot?.Funny that?s how I feel everyday somehow... Disconnected. But why, what is the focus here, all the factors coming together. I have an anxiety disorder, why?

Why can?t I be one of the normal smiling, having fun people? I used to be, even with anxiety... What is so different now causing all the disconnection, like I m not myself, afraid of slipping over the edge. Why? Why I ask? Why me. My Brothers are normal, my wife and kids are normal. God forbid this happen to one of them, this what feels inescapable, always monitoring?.

Why does matter, because if I know what lit this thing, maybe I can deal with those feelings and feel normal again. I don?t want to speculate, I want to know why when I am sitting here at work, I feel dp/dr, I feel anxious, I feel the tension in my shoulders. Why when I am out I am waiting for that moment to happen when I drift into unreality, when I am finally gone. Why when I am home, I half hear the TV show everyone else is enjoying, why when I sleep, I usually dream I am normal. Why is there no peace right now and why can?t I forget this hell and move on.

I am stuck, stuck inside and can?t get out? Why? Answer me please. What is gluing me down with super glue inside, not letting me feel... not letting me enjoy feeling. Will I ever have the answer?

I used to think Why wasn?t important, but maybe it is, just maybe it is?.Why am I stuck thinking, about thinking, about monitoring, about I am Me? Of Course I?m me how down right foolish this all feels. To get caught in a web you can?t even see.

 

[laserdog]

good description....thats exactly how i felt when my DP first started ..for me its still there...but its duller and not as scary...but its still there.....think its best if u can try and go on as normal...and hopefully it will just disappear as fast as it came

 

[kchendrix]

I certainly am trying to get this thing understood and dealt with..

 

[Shadow Cat]

I moniter myself a lot. I can be feeling practically normal (finally, thank goodness), and then I think a lot about what I'm doing, and poof! I'm having a bad episode of DP. I don't know why that affects it so much. I can be so normal one moment, then it's like my subconscience (sp?) wants it to come back for some reason. Have you tried going to a psychologist or anything like that? I've recently started going to one and hopefully CBT will help me with this.

 

[terri*]

Dear KC,

I, too, was touched by your description of self-monitoring and wanting not to have your soul superglued down. It is indeed such a loss. As I have seen with my own self, and many around here, coming to some sort of acceptance to this disorder is akin to coming to grips with something like losing your right arm. Dismay, fear, anger, grief...all the stages people deal with during times of loss.

I don't know how long you have been dealing with this but I do want to write you will find better moments ahead. It is a horrible force to be reckoned with, but with knowledge and strength you can reach a moment where you can endure until the fog lifts. There are many post of people experiencing every emotion possible while learning to deal with this. Hopefully you will run across even one piece of information that will help you understand and change your self monitoring, wondering why you and the thought of going back to how you were.

I always thought it was the most hateful thing when, during a wailing session of wanting to be myself again, my psych informed me it was time to stop wanting to be who I was and start dealing with the person I had become due to DR. Now, as the years have gone by, I see it is the way to start dealing with the here and now and the future.

Work on the self monitoring thing...you can overcome it. Don't give it the power you are giving it. Keep looking back at old post and always know there are people here that understand and want you to work past this.

Most Sincerely,
terri

 

[rainboteers]

I feel the EXACT same way! I am also at a stage of shock and anger. I am just ticked that this happened to me and I am mad it happens to anyone. Just hang on. This too shall pass...
I keep hearing from everyone that I will be stronger and smarter after going through this "breakdown." Well guess what? I would rather be stupid and weak!!!

 

[Guest]

I think what these well meaning people mean is that you will become wiser & stronger in the sense that you wont' let little things worry you anymore and you will be able to handle lifes challenges better.

Its very hard to break out of the self monitoring. Its like a broken record is in your heard going over the same stuff again & again. Its just antotehr habit that you can break though :wink: As soon as you notice yourself doing it ignore it & concentrate on whatever you are doing. With time it will pass. You have to keep at it though you have to stop the thought from continuing & move onto something else.

HOpe this helps.

 

[rainboteers]

Yes these people are well meaning.... but this feeling is just so scary and unfair.

 

[Guest]

Rainbooters about an hour ago I was on the phone to my husband complaining how unfair it was that for the last 3 days I have been walking around like the devil was on my back. You just feel like you are in another world full of impending doom & like your mind is not your own. Its all foggy & not thinking clear.

Its not fair, it sux but its our lot & we have to deal best we can. Take one day at a time & try & stay out of your head!

 

[Ben]

kchendrix,

Have you ever seen a patient shortly after a major accident? Maybe one where they need to learn to walk again, etc.? It's a very, very, very slow and painful process to watch - something that was so easy a year ago is suddenly incredibly difficult, painful (both physically and emotionally), and just all around frustrating. However, the pain does subside and they learn to walk again (sometimes even better and stronger than before). The same can happen to us (even though it doesn't always feel that way). Try these things:

(Please note: Doing these things won't "feel right" the first time - but just realize that's normal - the feeling of "phony'ness" or whatever - just stick with 'em).

1) Excercise. The act of physically getting up and out and doing something can be a major liberation. You MUST connect to the outside and physical world when you exercise - it's impossible not to. You won't doubt those weights are heavy after you try to lift them. The point is to touch your physical side.
2) Be Creative. I do plenty of things to keep me creative - I draw, I write and play music, I program computer software, I re-arrange furniture in the living room even. The point here is to EXPRESS that which you feel is latent and hidden.
3) Learn Something. Turn on the history channel, pick up a book on some far-away culture, learn a new branch of mathematics, learn to juggle (I can help you there), learn a new language. The point is to keep your mind chewing on something besides YOU.
4) Get to Know Someone (Better). Talk to your Grandmother, talk to your Mom, talk to your Dad - learn their histories, or talk to someone you find attractive. Ask your friend what their favorite color is and get into a discussion about that. The point is expand your awareness and thoughts beyond yourself.

Remember - these things will feel totally fake, phony, weird, wrong, bizarre, what-have-you the first couple (hundred?) times you try them. The point here is persistence and re-wiring of your mind. The disorder is depersonalzing and dissociating - so do your damndest to personalize and associate. An idle mind is the devil's playground. I hope I'm not making this sound easy or like it should be simple for you - 'cause it's not, it's harder than hell. But, I bet you it'll work. Some may tell you that no action can inact this problem (at least to a degree) - but I bet they've never tried it with real gusto. You'll encounter negative people out there who tend to enjoy simply being miserable and have little desire to actually get out of this - stick to your guns (I'm not necessarily talking about anyone in particular on this board - just in general).

It's important to remember I'm NOT saying that those who haven't gotten out of this or are still fighting it haven't tried hard enough or are weak - I, by absolutely no means, am trying to say that. But, I AM saying that hard work and persistence in the right direction can work wonders.

 

[Guest]

Good post Ben.You are exactly right! Even though I'm feeling fine now you have even motivated me

 

[rainboteers]

Uggg... I know I have to get back to my life, but I don't want to live it unless it feels right. I am such a baby. I have 30+ messages on my phone (I won't talk to anyone because of the way I feel) and I quit school. I didn't want to live like this so I thought I would stop living until it went away. Every time I fake it, it's like one more reminder that something is seriously wrong with me.

 

[Guest]

Ok rainbooters, one thing you have to realise is the world don't stop cause you want it to. Life will stil go on & those people who called you want to know how you are doing.

I got married when I had the worst dp ever. Every time I look at my photos or videos it upsets me cause I remember how ill I was & how I could do nothing about it. But, I told myself on my wedding day that I was going to beat this illness & I when I do I want to look back on those photos & realise that I did the best I could at the time. So I put on my smiling face & modeled the perfect me, how I wish I felt on the inside. So now when my husband & I sit down & watch the video etc I say I looked sick their didn't I? He says no you can't even tell. I say yep, we made the best of it didn't we.

So make the best of what you got. Life isn't just going to stop for you.

 

[Ben]

Okay rainboteers - I'll possibly get stomped on by some out on this group for doing this, but, I don't really care 'cause I feel it will help you.

You've created a problem of multiple sorts here (and I know this 'cause I've done it). What I mean is this:

1) You have a disorder that is both chemical and psychological. You are not at fault for this - but you can work against this.
2) You are attacking yourself for not wanting to work against it 'cause things don't feel right (calling yourself a baby). Okay - so, you haven't acted against it, but, that doesn't mean you're a baby; it means you're a human with a major wall in front of you. Lighten up on yourself - you'll be facing the wrong problem (namely, your insecurities about yourself instead of the disorder) if you don't.

Break the problem up into pieces - very small, simple pieces. You haven't answered your phone and you have thirty messages - what does that mean? It means you haven't answered your phone and you have thirty messages. Don't attach a meaning to it other than: you need to check your messages. That's no reflection upon your whole person.

You may be sitting there saying, "Ben, stop lecturing you jerk" or "Yes, I already know this" - but I can tell you're really down on yourself when you shouldn't be. You're fine. You're human. Live it up and smile a bit - even if only to make yourself feel better for a nanosecond.

 

[rainboteers]

Thank you both. I don't feel lectured I feel a bit understood. Yes I am very down on myself. I have always been the one that everyone depends on. The "fixer," I don't want to fix myself. I am being slightly proactive. I am going to the dr. and taking an antidepressant because I know I am depressed, and the dp stuff scares me. I appreciate your responses and advice very very much.

 

[kchendrix]

Hey Thank you all for your replys and thoughtfulness. I went to my therapist with a copy of what I wrote yesterday. He said alot of my issue was Obsession. Obsessing and checking how I feel , Do I feel like I am me. He also said I should mourn the loss of who I used to be and deal with what I have to work with. He hooked me up to Bio Feedback and showed me with examples, that the more I fought a thought the more it kept me anxious. So If I don't feel like me I should just say ok thats the obsession talking and I get bring that thought to my conscious level. He actually showed me if I tried to intensify the feeling myselfe with conscious thought my anxiety level would go down. Fighting this made me more anxious. The scariest thought I get is that I am somehow not real or not really myself.... I then strart ruminating over the knowledge I have to disprove that.. Like my address, my name, my parents.. He told me I need to stop validating the thought by the compulsion.. Even though the compulsion makes the anxiety go down, it makes the initial thought more important information then it is. It all makes sense. In addition my pyschiatrist has asked me to try zoloft, so I will be taking my first dose tonight..... keep your fingers crossed.

Thanks again for the posts. They are encouraging.... Ben, I play guitar and write songs also,, my problem is I have gotten away from it do to how I feel,, Like I haven't been able to feel the passion I used to have in writing and performing. I used to perfom in Annapolis for Happy hours etc all my original stuff, but haven't because I can't seem to get that feeling going, ...... Sucks....

 

[agentcooper]

kchendrix,

1) Excercise. The act of physically getting up and out and doing something can be a major liberation. You MUST connect to the outside and physical world when you exercise - it's impossible not to. You won't doubt those weights are heavy after you try to lift them. The point is to touch your physical side.
2) Be Creative. I do plenty of things to keep me creative - I draw, I write and play music, I program computer software, I re-arrange furniture in the living room even. The point here is to EXPRESS that which you feel is latent and hidden.
3) Learn Something. Turn on the history channel, pick up a book on some far-away culture, learn a new branch of mathematics, learn to juggle (I can help you there), learn a new language. The point is to keep your mind chewing on something besides YOU.
4) Get to Know Someone (Better). Talk to your Grandmother, talk to your Mom, talk to your Dad - learn their histories, or talk to someone you find attractive. Ask your friend what their favorite color is and get into a discussion about that. The point is expand your awareness and thoughts beyond yourself.

.

hey ben, great post! i know that when i'm really feelin' it, i can pick up a pencil or paint brush and in about 20 minutes, i don't even realize how bad i'm feeling...

i've always been of the opinion that i just have to make myself continue on with life no matter what the inside of my head is feeling like. i kinda think it was a good thing that for the longest time i thought that i was the only person in the world that had this dissorder, because i made myself act normal and tried my hardest to continue doing "normal" things.

 

[Guest]

Ben your post make me feel better.
Never Stop

 

[Ben]

kchendrix,

When you're at your worst should be the time to fight it the hardest by forcing yourself to play and write; that's my opinion.

Two words for you: The Blues. I used to worry a lot about metal or rock or something more popular - but The Blues is the absolute best style of music for our disorder. If you're good enough on the electric you can crank out some riffs that'll make your insides sing. Plus, if you're a guy - women seem to respond well to a good blues player.

Besides - all modern rock is anyway is just the extension of the blues; so it's very applicable across many different styles.

 

[kchendrix]

Yes indeed ,,, Even the Great Hendrix...recognized the power of THe Blues baby!!!

Went and saw Johnny Winter last year in Annapolis at The Rams Head in Annapolis MD.....

THis stuff just came over me so suddenly, Anxiety,Depression DP/DR and it is like That is all my mind can think of.... OCD like is what my therapist says.
Got to break up the Rumination.

Thinking so much , for so long... no wonder I am spaced out...Huh?

Thanks for the encouragement. It sounds like you are slowly turning a corner.. hope I can join you.

KC