Depersonalization Support Forum banner
Status
Not open for further replies.
1 - 20 of 40 Posts
G

·
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
With 22 different disorders, I think it's fair to say that I am screwed up (for those of you wondering, not one of those is self-diagnosed). Everyone hates me. In fact, I was the most popular torture victim in school (no shit...I was so fun to torture junior year, that they picked me for a second year). I have no prospects for the future (despite getting a full scholarship to Johns Hopkins University...even though I'm not bragging, let me be, I'll be dead in a few days...). I have no conceivable reason for getting up in the morning. I don't know if this will actually result in the extinguishing of my "consciousness," since I have no idea what is true and what is not. After all, how do I even know what I think is reason really is reason? However, I will finally try to do what 37 attempts have failed to do. So. Any suggestions?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,106 Posts
XEPER said:
However, I will finally try to do what 37 attempts have failed to do. So. Any suggestions?
If this means you actually tried thirty seven different methods, I probably don't have any suggestions for you.

On the other hand, if you just tried the same thing 37 different times, maybe you should switch to something else.

In either event, what's so special about the 38th try?

My best suggestion for you, however: pick yourself up and go to JHU.

And keep talking to us, we're not going anywhere.

e
 
G

·
Discussion Starter · #3 ·
Some were the same, some were different. Considering that my first suicide attempt came at age 7, it comes as no surprise that I've failed so many times. Some of them weren't wholehearted either, but some were.

Here's what I've tried so far:
Seppuku (that came the closest)
Wrist slashing (doesn't even leave a mark anymore)
Stabbing at the Heart
Slashing at the Throat
Drowning
Suffocation
Carbon Monoxide Poisoning
Banging My Head Against the Wall (I was having a psychosis)

I've been to the hospital so many times, it's like my third home. In case you're wondering, Barnes & Noble is my second home.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,106 Posts
XEPER said:
Some were the same, some were different. Considering that my first suicide attempt came at age 7, it comes as no surprise that I've failed so many times. Some of them weren't wholehearted either, but some were.

Here's what I've tried so far:
Seppuku (that came the closest)
Wrist slashing (doesn't even leave a mark anymore)
Stabbing at the Heart
Slashing at the Throat
Drowning
Suffocation
Carbon Monoxide Poisoning
Banging My Head Against the Wall (I was having a psychosis)

I've been to the hospital so many times, it's like my third home. In case you're wondering, Barnes & Noble is my second home.
It's certainly not as easy to do as it sounds (as I found out first hand).

Have you told anybody about these feelings? Because a website really isn't an appropriate venue to deal with this. (Unless you just happen to have a lot that you want to talk about, and "Why not just end it" is basically an attention-getter.)

e
 
G

·
Discussion Starter · #6 ·
Alright, I've initiated the sequence. I've cut off most contacts, I haven't yet registered for courses.

I can feel my psychoses starting up again. My demons have awoken; they're beckoning me to come to them. The Siren's Song they play on harps made of bones and hair that I've lost due to stress. I can feel the Men In Black pounding my ribs to the shatter point. I can see everyone I know, everyone I care about jeering at me, goading me towards my inevitable doom. The Via Dolorosa is prepared; I see Calvary before me; they want to crucify and immolate me, as they do every night in my dreams. And I...I just want to give in...

Please help me...
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,106 Posts
XEPER said:
Alright, I've initiated the sequence. I've cut off most contacts, I haven't yet registered for courses.

I can feel my psychoses starting up again. My demons have awoken; they're beckoning me to come to them. The Siren's Song they play on harps made of bones and hair that I've lost due to stress. I can feel the Men In Black pounding my ribs to the shatter point. I can see everyone I know, everyone I care about jeering at me, goading me towards my inevitable doom. The Via Dolorosa is prepared; I see Calvary before me; they want to crucify and immolate me, as they do every night in my dreams. And I...I just want to give in...

Please help me...
Maybe you better call 9-1-1.

Nobody can really help you through a website.

Nice writing, btw.

e
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
546 Posts
Have you tried therapy?

Incidentally, if you genuinely do feel a psychosis coming on it might be an idea to ring up a hospital and get some kind of medication so as to at least lessen the impact. It can't make it much worse, I suppose.

You seem to have gone through so much pain. I hope things do eventually get better for you.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,803 Posts
SEEK HELP NOW. ! That's an order, from a soon-to-be moderator and the soon-to-be-words greatest living author.

Seriously and to the point, you seem majorly screwed up. But we've all been there, in one sense or another, and suicide - while an appealing option when you're in the depths of hell, is pointless. Think about it. You can, and will, recover, and get to enjoy life. You can. Although the severity of my illness was knowhere near as bad as you'rs sounds, I recovered, and plenty of others on here did as well. Trust me. Please don't do anything that you won't be around to regret....
 
G

·
Discussion Starter · #13 ·
I have tried therapy, and what a prodigious ancillary...
Concerning the antipsychotics...medications tend to make things worse for me...
Did I mention I also tried starvation?

YES I DO HAVE A LOT TO TAlK ABOUT. MAYBE SOMEONE WILL UNDERSTAND ME BEFORE I PERISH!

Has anyone else been bedridden for days, crying like a little child (though I never did that when I was a child, for some reason) because one can feel oneself dissolving atom by atom into a cold, excruciating void of nothing as one's inner demons compel oneself to think only of one's non-existence?
Hmm, if I survive this (which, hopefully, I won't), I might start a topic about that particular symptom on the Depersonalization Discussion page...

I'm afraid it isn't certain whether or not recovery is even still in the question, but it does seem that only two paths are bestowed upon me (and only one of them seems practical)...

AVT VINCERE AVT MORI
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,106 Posts
XEPER said:
YES I DO HAVE A LOT TO TAlK ABOUT. MAYBE SOMEONE WILL UNDERSTAND ME BEFORE I PERISH!
That's better, let's talk.

Has anyone else been bedridden for days,
Yes, actually.

As a teenager I practically lived in bed.

I'd even cover the windows with blankets to black out the room, and just lie there listening to music.

My mother had to bring food to me.

crying like a little child
Crying spells, yes.

They'd just hit out of the blue, at the most unexpected moments, for absolutely no reason.

because one can feel oneself dissolving atom by atom into a cold, excruciating void of nothing as one's inner demons compel oneself to think only of one's non-existence?
I've been there.

I'm afraid it isn't certain whether or not recovery is even still in the question,
As long as you're alive, it is.

but it does seem that only two paths are bestowed upon me (and only one of them seems practical)...
You mean, only one of them seems easy.

The more difficult one may seem terrifying to you, but that's just how it feels right now.

Work through these feelings, talk about them, then move on to the very bright future that surely awaits you (you didn't win that full scholarship to Johns Hopkins University in a breakfast cereal sweepstake).

You're obviously highly intelligent, and you can make of this life whatever you want to.

You just have to make it through this extremely difficult and frustrating period.

I'm not BS'ing you, things will work out (you've obviously got a lot going for you).

AVT VINCERE AVT MORI
Aut vincere for sure (but that's only possible if you have a pulse).

Take care,

e
 
G

·
Discussion Starter · #15 ·
I'm afraid I don't see the source of your optimism; whenever I get some glimmer of hope, that elusive pearl is dashed across the rocky crags of despair by the relentless waves of extreme nihilism that accompany one with both dp/dr and a philosophical mindset.

But I do appreciate your support. I just wish I could agree with you.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,106 Posts
XEPER said:
I'm afraid I don't see the source of your optimism; whenever I get some glimmer of hope, that elusive pearl is dashed across the rocky crags of despair by the relentless waves of extreme nihilism that accompany one with both dp/dr and a philosophical mindset.

But I do appreciate your support. I just wish I could agree with you.
You're very deeply depressed right now.

Get Help.

e
 
G

·
Discussion Starter · #17 ·
And where do I turn for help?
To those pretentious therapists who have such divine confidence in their ability to treat that they don't even bother?
To my parents, who wouldn't blink if I had a heart attack in front of them?
To my friends, who don't even EXIST?

Where, Mr./Ms./Mrs. Enigma, where do I turn for help?

I, just as everyone else, am all alone...
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
670 Posts
Please keep talking and DO NOT do this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
PLEASE. You are NOT alone, we are here for you and I myself am weeping for you. :cry: HANG IN THERE AND GO TO THE HOSPITAL!
I have felt this desperate before and I wanted to end it all. Read this it helped me once.

http://www.metanoia.org/suicide/
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,106 Posts
XEPER said:
I, just as everyone else, am all alone...
That's the ultimate tragedy of humanity: We are, one and all of us, ultimately alone.

It's something that every human being has to face (including all those for whom life seems worth living).

I myself don't really have anyone to turn to that I can speak of.

But I don't think I want them anyway, because they're all just too different from me, and what they think is best for me is always constellations away from what I think is best for me.

So I prefer to make my own decisions, and my own plans.

And it's the latter that gives me hope, and makes me want to live in spite of everything that seems wrong. (And there's a lot.)

That's how I manage to find the strength to slog on anyway.

Live in spite of those who tormented you.

Throw in the towel, and you surrender to a bunch of enemies who would probably just find the news of your demise lightly entertaining (no, they will not all be sorry when you're dead, if that's what you're thinking. And don't say that you aren't, because everybody always does).

And that's Mr Enigma, btw.

e
 
G

·
Discussion Starter · #20 ·
I don't care if they derive enjoyment. Let them. I'm quite inured to people attaining cruel pleasure from torturing me. I never once, even for a fraction of a second, thought that anyone would feel the slightest bit of sorrow...or even a buzzkill, for that matter. I want to die because I'm just tired of this nauseating cesspool that you call "life."
 
1 - 20 of 40 Posts
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top