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for me i suppose it s a mild paronoia,i just want people to know why i sometimes act a little bit solitary,this solitude for me is self induced but i personally find it comforting and others maybe think im being awkward,sometimes i want a t-shirt that says....

i suffer from anxiety and panic attacks-im not weird i just sometimes like my own company
 

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For me the need is two-fold.

My mother who knew I was sick, never acknowledged it, then made fun of my illness once another psychiatrist diagnosed me. She vascillated between "you're acting" to "you're incurable" ... there has always been part of me that keeps screaming at her (less now than when she was alive) to tell her, "I have DP damnit. I'm not lazy, I'm not acting, I'm not an embarassment to you." (The latter was -- a psychiatrist's daughter is a pariah if she has a mental illness.)

The second comes from my advocacy... which has sort of fallen by the wayside... that again, mental illness isn't "being lazy." It is a legitimate medical illness. I've given up on people who don't understand why I "threw away my college degrees, my career", etc. As though I decided one day to do this. I resent the fact they didn't know how hard it was to acheive what I have achieved, and to work towards other goals I still have.

Reason I built my website initially, and reason I'm developing it into a book, which now may be finished in about 2010. I have zero motivation.

Best,
D
 

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dps so lonely. if someone else understands it it helps with the loneliness a bit.
 
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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
I freely admit I am envious every time I see a person in a wheelchair.
People can see there is some obvious physical infirmity, relate to it at least to some degree..........and therefore - accept it as real. Most people don't roll around in chairs because they are being lazy, it is because they have an illness or injury. A physical illness or injury that people can empathize with on some level. It's O.K. to be physically damaged.

I walk around, physically healthy. All while being in a minute by minute struggle for my very life. People are usually unable, or unwilling to see that. I wish they would.
I don't want sympathy, I only want some level of understanding. Some credit for what I'm going through I guess.

It's not fair. And I don't get the parking space close to the door.......
 
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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
Some people will never understand. Something you just have to accept. Most people, unless they have DP, wont ever understand, they can try and be supportive, but they will never know what it feels like. And again, something you have to accept.

We all have each other on the forum. :lol:
 
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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
Hi Wendy

There are a couple of reasons which come to mind about the importance of helping others to clearly understand what it is one is experiencing.

First, when people close to you are able to understand they may not feel slighted or annoyed by your behavior or reluctance. For instance: if a friend or family member were to ask me to accompany them for a car ride across countryside with large open expanses of land I could tell them that I couldn't do that because of my agoraphobic feelings that worsen my DP. If they understood my DP condition they would except my declining the offer without hurt feelings.

And secondly, I believe it is important to adequately describe the DP state one is experiencing to ones doctor if one is being treated for the DP condition with medications.

For instance: When I was hospitaised years ago I tried to describe what I was experiencing to the admitting doctor and he misunderstood what I was saying and thought I was schizophrenic and medicated me accordingly which was a total disaster.

Today I would probably just hand the person involved a print out of Janine s "Depersonalization and Derealization Nightmares of Unreality," as she has summed it up very accurately and understandable IMO.

And lastly it is important to be able to convey to another what you are experiencing so as to avoid not being accused of "malingering" or just pretending to be crazy in order to avoid something. This has happened to me on more than one occassion.

john
 
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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
John, I always enjoy reading your posts and thank you for telling why it is important (to you) to be understood about DP.
If you dont mind, would you like to tell what happened when you were accused of being 'malingering' or pretending to be crazy in order to avoid something?

Kari,

Some people will never understand. Something you just have to accept. Most people, unless they have DP, wont ever understand, they can try and be supportive, but they will never know what it feels like. And again, something you have to accept.
When I read this I thought it sounds awfully familiar, but I couldnt connect it with something. Today when rereading I realize its when you're homosexual (like me), you go through the same process (wanting others to understand, not wanting to be judged, find recognition with others, accepting that others dont understand etc).
Its exactly the same process.

I had asked my question on this board yesterday and today I got to see WHy its important. I talked to someone who has somewhat similar dissociation and when I heard her talking I had to cry: FINALLY someone who understands! Im not crazy. Its healing to find recognition.
I need that.

Its hard to be in a group of people (Im in grouptherapy) when noone understands, this makes me feel Im like Im REALLY from another planet or that I shouldnt make such a big deal of having DP.
It IS a big deal.

Thanks again for the replies :)
 
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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
Wendy,

There could be a similarity between homosexuality and depersonalization in a sense that it's a very individual thing to feel and it's something that makes you different and places you apart from majority putting you into a minority. Mental illness is frowned upon by many people and so is homosexuality. What people don't understand, they automatically don't like and do not approve of. This is human nature and a fact of life.

All I can say to you is that there still are many people that support the way you are (I being one of them, you go girl!!) and there are many people who are homosexuals and do feel that sense of being in the minority. Those people who don't accept you and refuse to support you, forget about them, they suck. The people who don't understand you but DO accept you, they are the ones you want to befriend and surround yourself with, and those who do understand you and do support you (fellow homosexuals) they are right there on your level. Dr. Suess said something wonderful. He said, "Those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind." :)

Keep on doing your thing and loving who you are because no matter how bad people try and make you feel about who you are, there is one thing they can never take away from you, and that is your dignity.
 
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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
Well the clearest example I can give goes back again to when I was in the hospital and after being there awhile it is expected that one get a job working somewhere on the hospital grounds.( laundry room, kitchen, maintenance crew etc.) I told the staff authorities that I was frightened about leaving the ward because of my DP and delusional thoughts about falling off the world or having the wind catch my soul and carry it out of my body. Thoughts and feelings i have read that many people posting here also have in differring degrees of intensity.

They thought I was just making up this ideas so as not to have to work like most of the other patients, and this is an example of what they consider malingering. They decided that they would try and humiliate me for not going along with "the program" and forced me to remain in pajamas and bathrobe 24/7. This didn't work of course as i was so incredibly horrified at that time of the "outer world" and after a week or so they abandoned this humiliation concept. Eventually they realized I was not malingering and was actually terified about leaving the ward. Such as my declining to go to the weekly movies or dances or any other activity off the ward they eventually allowed me to work on the ward rather than outside after recognising my fear was real.

Well that is one example that comes immediately to mind.
 
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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
John, it sounds you were the victim of other patients malingering.
Im glad they believed you after one week, it could have been very detrimental to your mental health if their 'approach' towards you lasted longer.

Kari, your post was very sweet, heartwarming really. 8) Thanks.
 
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