Depersonalization Support Forum banner

1 - 1 of 1 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
67 Posts
Hi, everyone!

I haven't been on these forums in forever and I don't plan on sticking around for long either. I've had bouts of OCD for years...it started a year after I had my daughter, probably triggered by stress and exhaustion.

For those who don't know me or haven't seen me on the forums, last summer, I got hit with massive DP/DR that came virtually out of the blue. Thinking back, it was probably triggered by stress and exhaustion and isolation (stay-at-home mom)......and it was horrifying. I became very active on these forums during this time because I didn't know where else to turn. I felt unreal, dissociated, had waves of (for lack of a better phrase) out-of-body experiences and those damned existential thoughts, which I personally find is more a state of confusion as to why things are than anything else.

In the fall, I went to see a psychologist for the first time in my life. What a joke. I explained all of my symptoms to her and she looked at me, puzzled, saying "hmmm...have you been tested for amnesia?" Suffice to say, I left her office feeling even more afraid and confused as to what was wrong with me. I never went back to her. During this time, I had also tried medication (Prozac - -made my dissociation worse and Buspirone - -which gave me severe dizziness and did nothing for the dissociation).

In December 2017, at my wit's end, I contacted a psychologist online who had written a book on CBT that I had downloaded months prior. I explained all my issues with him, even delving into my past, and he emailed me back and said "I personally feel that all of your 'issues' are just different manifestations of your mental OCD and CBT can help." Did hearing this make me feel better? No...but it opened my eyes to the fact that possibly, this was all just OCD related. I later found out that the psychologist I emailed online is actually a co-founder of the Anxiety & Depression Association of America...so a big step up from the local backwoods psych I saw who thought I had amnesia.

Anyway....now to get on with my story....

In January 2018 this year, I began to experience dizzy spells and other health-related issues. One day, I had a dizzy spell so bad that it turned on a "light switch" as I like to call it, and I began having dizzy spells CONSTANTLY. At this time, I also began to experience other health issues like heart palpitations, chest pains, weird pains throughout my body and I became hyper-focused on all things health-related. I went to urgent care two times because of my health symptoms and both times were told "it's just anxiety...here's a pill go home and get therapy."

From January 2018 until about two weeks ago, I was obsessed with my health and 100% NOT DISSOCIATED. For three months, my health OCD took precedence over the feelings of dissociation. I clearly remember back in February looking at my husband and saying "God this health stuff is horrible...I almost miss the dissociation!!" because I wasn't dealing with DP/DR anymore at all. Also, not having a lick of DP/DR causes you to forget how bad the DP/DR is. There were times I would think to myself "man, what was that dissociation all about, it was so stupid...what was I so afraid of all of that time?"

About three weeks ago, I remember thinking to myself that I should get on these forums and talk about my DP/DR and how to get over it, I also thought about how the dissociation just fell away and I think by remembering the DP/DR, it triggered it to happen again. So, two weeks ago, I was cleaning the house, getting dinner done for the family and my daughter asked me if she could have a wipe to wash her face. I reached down to get one and I got that wave of "out of body experience" like I remember and instead of brushing it off, I panicked...and the DP/DR is back full circle 24/7 again.

Despite the fact that I'm still dealing with DP/DR right now, the fact that I went 3 months without it because my OCD was obsessed over something else proves to me that this is nothing more than an obsession or focus-related problem. I also want to note that all of my health issues (the dizziness, the heart palpitations, pains, etc) are totally gone now that I'm focused on something else. I've also noticed the focus issue to be true because when I'm super busy doing something I'm really enjoying, DP/DR falls to the back burner or goes away completely (albeit temporarily) and when I'm home, alone with just me and my daughter here while hubby's at work for 9 hours a day, the DP/DR is at its worst.

I believe that when we hyper focus on an issue that's bothering us or causing us massive anxiety, it amplifies the issue tenfold. I had nothing wrong with me back in January, February and March...and yet I was having recurrent dizzy spells because I was so petrified of the dizzy spells. The same is happening with the DP/DR....I am so petrified of the DP/DR and the existential stuff that it keeps recurring. What you resist persists. Or that saying "There is nothing to fear but fear itself". My fears and obsessiveness are actually manifesting my problems. Is this what's happening to 100 percent of everyone else on these forums? Probably not, but I wouldn't doubt that a good majority of us just have OCD.

Now to convince my brain of this...that'd be just great!!
 
1 - 1 of 1 Posts
Top