I cannot stop thinking how unfair life is. I mean how unfair life really is, not just in some kind of my girlfriend cheated on me and the neighbour ran over my dog kind of unfair. I mean in the *%$##@ what is this living hell that the english language does not even come close to having vocabulary to describe. And I think that is probably one thing we all have in common and that is the difficulty in describing what we are feeling (and probably the disbelief that others are experiencing exactly the same thing or similar thing). Anyway my story...
September 12th 2002 I woke up feeling very weird, very spaced out, very foggy like i was still half asleep, and I knew straight away "oh boy u are in some serious pooze" I did not panick then but i was very concerned because I felt extremely uncomfortable in my conciousness and in my perception of reality. I kept thinking jebez i feel strange. But I thought hey tomorrow I'll be ok just need some sleep. But tomorrow was the same and tomorrow always has been the same ever since (mostly).
Anyway within 2 days I was starting tp panick. Told my partner about it and went to see a Doc. He said probably a virus you'll be ok in a few days. When a few days was up went to see more Docs. By this stage i had other symptoms rather than just feeling weird. These are the symptoms I had and still have. Headache (more like a pressure) in left side of face going down neck into left arm. Extreme fatigue, and blurred vision happened overnight (now I wear glasses). And of course social phobia and anxiety. And hypochondriosis i.e. constant self monitoring and awareness of self. Obsessive thoughts, ruminations.
I moved back home for a while as I had Uni exams. I managed to study and pass all exams with very gd marks which perplexed all because I complained about a lack of cognition, memory and concentration. I also had heaps of medical tests. And nothing came back. I was "fit as a fiddle".
After about 4 months i moved back in with my girlfriend. I was not cured but I was a bit better. I decided ok Im not dying so stop analysing and get on with life. I made a concious effort to ignore this feeling. And it worked to a degree. It was still there but I cld manage kind of. Ha ha i remember everyday was a battle and I really just felt like I was acting. Pple would ask how are and i wld shrivel up inside and lie "im fine" then quiclky change subject.
Ok now i'll make story shorter. Me and partner broke up I was really very detached from her because of me headspace. I finished Uni, went landscaping for 1 yr. Strange, even though felt sh*t cld do very hard manual labour. Played soccer twice a week, went out alot. Drank alot. But i always felt on edge like i was riding a wave.
Then this year, I started seeing a new girl. It became very serious very quickly and I started a new job with a large law firm as a litigation solicitor. That is when I became undone again. I could not keep up my energy and facade 24/7. Externally everybody thgt ur doing great, internally i was just holding it together i.e. I was wigging out. Then it hit me. One sunday I started to really spin out got the DR DP feeling badly and it just got worse to the point tht my partner was even freaking me out. That night I did not sleep at all and the next day at work was hell it was like a panick attack that lasted 24 hrs, no fast heart or any of that just felt like i was on acid and everything was too much.
That was in April, since then I have moved back to parents, quit my job, isolated myself completely from my friends, broken up with girlfriend and become severly depressed and anxiety has skyrocketed. I have taken SSRI and stopped cause did nothing and taken risperdal that did nothing.
I feel that i have not recovered from the major attack in April its like my brain cannot forget that feeling. I am just trying to get though every moment.
Oh yeah the docs have tried to say that maybe i just have depression or anxiety is causing it all. I retort "before that sudden onset of DP i had no depression no anxiety, that all comes as a consequence". I once wandered through life as a participant just "being" blissfully unaware, now I am totally self aware.
What is this like for me? Living hell? well its not really living at all...