This is a little tale written today specifically for Kechendrix but I think it might speak to many of you.
"Grandma's Mysterious Pit"
My grandmother?s bedroom dresser was pushed up against a wall nook that had a separation post built into the wall itself (kind of like a ?hutch? effect in the corner). There was a gap, or space, on the back left side of the dresser by the wall at this juncture ? and there was no way to close it or really cover it. There was also NO way to actually ?get to? it ? so if anything fell down there, it just stayed there forever more.
When we painted her wall at one point, we had covered the dresser with drop clothes, etc...and were standing on it to reach the top of the baseboards.
I looked down into the empty space and well....let me tell you. It was like a dustball version of a photo album. History itself was alive and well in that space ? tiny things from her dresser, over a span of 50 years, had fallen into the gap over the years, a piece of costume jewelry, some hair pins (the very old fashioned kind), a tiny photo (couldn?t even make out what it was), two keys (no idea to what), and dust and grime and odd-looking pieces of paper with writing on them, and something shiny and some coins and something that looked like some kind of figurine....it was a treasure trove. And...there was no way to ever reach it.
?SHOULD we try to clean all that out back there? we asked ourselves. ?It?s really really dirty and who the hell knows what?s in there...? and we also knew there was NO way to reach it, so it was honestly better to just keep painting and not even look.
That?s your unconscious mind.
And with all this self-monitoring and self-obsessing you?ve been doing 24/7, you are NOTICING the oddball things behind the dresser in the middle of decades? of dust that are jammed in there next to other little treasures.
?Merry Christmas? is a piece of memory, like a random lyric that has fallen off a piece of written music. Those words can "come to you" at any point in any day, seemingly unrelated to anything external. A COUNTLESS number of seemingly unrelated and bizarre thoughts are running through your head all the time ? for all of us ? but we do not pay attention to them because we are not focused on NEEDING to know our every thought.
When we?re feeling normal, we are HAVING thoughts, not watching thoughts. We are THINKING ideas, not assessing ideas for sanity content.
Just stand up, admit that you will never reach the pile of fascinating and filthy gems that fell down behind the dresser, and TRY to move forward. It takes time and a remarkable about of endurance ? but I promise you ? I PROMISE you ? you will never succeed in successfully monitoring or understanding all the weird thoughts that pop into your head, and the longer and harder you try, the deeper you will fall behind the dresser.
Hope you enjoyed our little trip down memory lane.