[berlin]

I know its not quite as black and white as that but who has regained the sense/ experience of the world that they had before DP/DR. I don't mean who has accepted or learned to live with the symptoms, but allowing for the effects of this mental illness, who doesnt percieve things as two dimensional, catch the look of a stranger in the mirror, or experience the vast breadth of their life limited as if in in a shallow bubble.
I wonder because in a few posts people refer to their recovery but I dont know how they define recovery or what their story is.
Please take a liitle time and let me know who has and what it means for them. I look to hope. :roll:

 

[bat]

hi berlin

i count myself as 95% ok.

i don't wake up into the horror of feeling that my essence is gone. i wake up mostly enjoying sleep and wanting to lie in.

i get uncomfortable 'awareness' feelings (what am i with a creatures body, randomly evolved on a speck in the vast nothingness etc etc) but they pass quickly. i am no longer swallowed by them and having to live through that terrible awareness.

i get hints of acid colours when tired but don't get bright acid colours out of nowhere.

i do not get periods of unbearable anxiety when i can only pace the room and ring my hands.

i find pleasure in simple things rather than it taking me all my reserves of energy just to get through each day (at times minute).

i focus outward about 70% of the time rater than being unable to escape the hell inside my head.

i am scared of going back into dp but am thankful every second that i am not there now. i realise that every day further away from dp means less chance of return.

i still find the power of emotions difficult to handle but i think i always did.

i work full time

i'm looking forward to the holidays and the spring as i've planted some stuff in the garden.

i still feel a bit disconnected from myself but this is at a bearable level and hopefully these feelings will continue to diminish. they might be due to being on zoloft.

hope this helps

 

[person3]

lots of people on this site or who have been on this site are recovered
janine
i believe deb and mother hen (they aren't on here anymore)
martin but he's an atheist so he doesn't count (jk)

 

[Martinelv]

Yes, as the delicious god-botherer Person3 points out, after 2 seperate year long episodes of DR (with 4 years 'clean' in between), I have now been DR free for 6 years. Still suffer from anxietyand other shit, but the DR has never returned.

 

[berlin]

thanks for the responses, I just wondered what it was like, if it was worth pursuing or if it was impossible to clear this awareness.
Matrtin whats it like to not be DR and how did it leave you? I've had this for over three years and 'despair' that it may never fade away.

 

[Martinelv]

It's wonderfull Berlin. DR was the most horrific experience of my life, bar none.

As I've said to many others, I'm not quite sure what 'cured' my DR. In both instances it was drug incuded, or rather it induced a panic which resulted in a year's worth of DR. On both occassions, the DR just kind of faded away, very gradually, with ups and downs on the way. After about a year I suddenly realised that I hadn't worried about it for weeks, and that it had disappeared. First time around, I took no medication, second time around I used Cipramil and Diazepam, but on both occassions it took the same lenght of time to disappear.

The only thing I can attribute my recovery to is this. I never, except right at the beginning when I was out of my mind, stopped doing what I enjoyed, or hated - rather, I carried on with my life, pretending (if you like) that I didn't have DR. Now, I'm not a particually strong willed man, but to me it's like the old cliche, get busy living, or get busy dying. Sure, there were days when I'd give up and hide under my bed with a packet of valium, but the days when I forced myself out, to the pub, or work, or whatever, far outnumber them. Doing this, I think, I gradually 'eased back into reality'. I really think if I'd have jacked everything in and stayed at home, I'd still be DR now.

Of course, there are people on this board who have adopted the same approach and haven't recovered, so perhaps I'm not biologically prone to long term DR, I really don't know. Interestingly, I also didn't suffer from DP (I make a clear distinction between the two) much, just a handfull of times over the year. Whether that has something to do with it I don't know.

Even though I am DR free, I think it has definately left it's mark on me. I'm continually anxious, but not to any great extent, and I've become (if that's possible) far more reckless and wayward than I was before.

 

[jft]

Martin. I am sure this will be redundant for you, but assuming that dr includes light sensitiviety (flourescents etc), did you recover from this as well? How about the visual fog and snow and those things, and blurry vision and trouble reading? What was your dr like? Most folks here want to keep anxiety as THE culprit in this, and you still have lots of anxiety, but no dr. Interesting.
jft

 

[Guest]

Ive been trying to figure out how to cure myself for what, 15 months now????

its hopeless

 

[optimusrhyme]

^ Don't worry man I've tried so many things for the last 3 years, I just don't know where to continue on, I'm on the same road as you...

 

[Martinelv]

Jft - The major symptom of DR for me was the extraordinary 'feeling' that everything was looking at was weird, strange, familiar yet unfamiliar, alien - like I was a little green man that had just touched down on earth. When it was at it's most intense, I literally thought I had gone out of my mind. I also described it as having a clear plastic bag over my head - a thin 'wall' between me and reality. I didn't really get any foggyness, or visual distortions...not that I can remember. I do remember feeling a little sensitive to the flourescent lights at work though.

One really weird symptom that I used to get, and I'd be interested if anyone else has experienced this, is the feeling that I was perpetually looking down-hill, even on flat ground. It's hard to explain.

So yes, it's a puzzle why I am DR free despite being anxious most of the time (saying that - I rarely have panic attacks anymore), but I'm extremely thankfull for it. I think in my case the panic induced from taking way to many drugs kind of shocked my brain into the DR state, but as the panic faded to 'mere' anxiety, the DR went with it.

 

[berlin]

martin I dont suffer anxiety or depression, not in the last three years anyway, and believe it or not its taken me six months or so to realise that this is a symptom not at lot who post here share. Thats why I find it difficult to understand my continued detachment and the many posts that say if you can rid yourself of anxiety then the symptoms may recceed. If thats the goal I dont know how to achieve it.
And recovery would mean feeling again and would I be tough enough after all this time in hiding? I dont know.
I think I dont post much because I dont identify with the debilitaing anxiety/deppression that accompanies a lot peoples experience. I dont identify not because I havent experienced it but because I just dont have the emotional recall or straightforward empathy to understand all those expressive words of tortured minds.
I was once the extreme opposite.
I dont consider it valid to plea for help because im not 'suffering' but it doesnt stop me visiting here and striving to regain some sort of 'normality' because I dont like this and I want to be better.
Anyone help?

 

[unidlehands]

It's strange to see that a lot of people who are recovering well, say they are 95% recovered, as I would certainly class myself as being in that boat.

The main lingering feeling I would say is that of self-awareness, after all in bad anxiety states you are extremely self-aware so much so that it causes the DP/DR states because you are looking so inward. After months/years of this feeling, it will take a long time for so much self-awareness to vanish, I still find myself looking for possible DP/DR symptoms but they are never really there.

To be honest though, I can live with it and as my confidence has returned I really don't give two shits about it anymore, which is a really good feeling.

G

 

[person3]

That avatar above me is adorable. What is it?

 

[Guest]

hucklebery hound
????

 

[unidlehands]

Lol, that cute little avatar is the good old Dogtanian out of the 80's childrens cartoon series "Dogtanian and the Three Muskehounds".

Some of you may remember it, some of you may never have heard of it, but the childhood memories still bring a tear to my eye :wink:

Sob, sob, ill be going now

G

 

[Martinelv]

Berlin - Sometimes, it seems, DR/DP becomes a disorder of it's own after a long period of suffering, with seemingly no associated anxiety. Now, that's a bastard to diagnose and treat I would imagine. As you know, most medically qualified people just see DR/DP as a symptom of anxiety or depression, end of story, and when these indications aren't present they frequently don't know what to do.

To me, it seems that Depersonalisation Disorder, without associated anxiety or whatever, is either some kind of faulty learned behaviour, conditioning if you like, or your brain has slipped (or got stuck) into default DR/DP mode, after years of having it. I really don't know though, to be honest. And perhaps you really do have unconscious anxiety, or perhaps depression. I've been told for years that's I'm depressed, although I don't actually 'feel' depressed. I've been told that depression doesn't have to always manifest itself in the classic way, and can emerge as, for instance, behavioural problems - in my case, recklessness and an almost pathalogical fear of boredom. But again, I'm not sure.

Sorry for not being of any help.

 

[berlin]

I think you are right about just being stuck in this state even after the immediate stress has gone. I recognise now that I have an 'immature response' to coping with strong emotions. I have self harmed on a couple of occasions in the past to 'ease' the strength of feeling I could't cope with, and this dissociation just another way of escaping the pressure (i never realised I was so flakey!)
Your replies have been very helpful, sometimes we cant see the woods for the trees and all it takes is alittle input to guide us to a greater perspective. :wink: