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A question I have often asked myself these past few months and a lot today.

I had a good day on Thursday, probably the first day in a long time I could actually say was good. All the doubts in my mind had explanations and I was confident I could work forward.

Skip through to the evening and I started to have thoughts of harming others, and of throwing myself in front of a train again.

Today has been pretty bad. I've been confused over whether I'm real or not, resenting my mum again, thinking that if I just think something like, 'I'm gonna hurt someone' or 'anything can happen, like Im gonna get full blown swearing Tourette's because I'm thinking enough about it and am scared of it' that it's actually gonna happen. I know a lot of these things aren't possible to happen, but things that have defied science have happened to me so I actually believe they're gonna happen.

Anyway, that made no sense. But yes, I don't know who I am. My beliefs and opinions change daily. My perception changes daily. It's like several different people somehow in the same body. (Or of course on days I don't believe I'm real, maybe this is all fake).
 

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This is common among anxiety sufferers.

Intrusive thoughts can often be an amalgamation of anxiety and obsession. Everyone has these fleeting, aggressive thoughts pop into their heads. The issue here is that you are obsessing over them because you believe they mean something. I struggled with intrusive thoughts myself. Even going as far as to stop watching horror movies or other genres that I really enjoyed because I thought it would make me kill someone. But limiting myself only made it worse. Understanding that these thoughts are normal and automatic are an essential part of stifling the worry over them.

Trying to push them away won't work; you have to accept the thoughts, let them pass, and then move on with what you were doing without trying to analyze them.

I know a lot of these things aren't possible to happen, but things that have defied science have happened to me so I actually believe they're gonna happen.
What kind of things have defied science for you?

This comment is kind of the issue here. Regardless of how much you know these thoughts aren't going to come true, there are always these what if questions that you play in your head. As if that 0.0001% chance has some significant bearing over your life. In any other situation, you would ignore that percentage. It's irrelevant. It has no possibility of ever happening. But when it comes to your own anxiety, that percentage turns into something much greater than itself. You obsess and ruminate over it, generating a great deal of distress.

To fix these thoughts, you have to stop trying to answer them. Stop believing that they have some greater meaning. These thoughts are a byproduct of anxiety and that's all they'll ever be. You won't hurt anyone or yourself, you won't ever get Tourette's, and the world around you is real and tangible. As difficult as it is, try to let these thoughts pass normally without giving them any second thoughts. The more you entertain them, the more likely they are to evolve and cause you even more stress.
 
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