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132 Posts
For most of my life I have always known who I am. I have had an identity and a purpose and have lived life to the full, I have travelled the world and have met many people, I have been chatty and happy and I consider myself "normal".
But from the age of 24 (I am now 34), on and off it seems that something happens in my life (traumatic, worrying, upsetting, and suddenly a black cloud starts to loom over me. It is like somebody or something it starting to take my soul away, my personality, my identity. It doesn't all disappear straight away, just bit by bit as the days go by. I start to lose my appetite, lose weight, not sleep, cannot go into work and do my job, everything shuts down. My brain shuts down. The girl who danced, lived, laughed and had a meaning has gone. It is like a self defence mechanism. But life for me is not like this all the time. I get to the worst level I can be, no sleep, no food, suicidal thoughts, no identity, I am just a body with no soul. Little by little the thing that took my soul away starts to give a little of it back to me bit by bit, I start to eat and sleep, but cannot laugh or joke, and still wonder around like a zombie.
At the moment, the DP is still with me this time around, I am now eating and sleeping, I still have no interest in my music or aerobics or going out or going to work. I can feel as if the normal me is nearly back, it is like I am waiting for that one last light switch to be flicked back on, and then all the lights will come on and I will return to normality once more. On and off I have suffered intermittently like this for 10 years. I am in this position once again.
And do you know what scares me.... in case that light switch doesn't come back on this time...... It is just a waiting game, waiting for that final piece of identity to return to me.
I just want constant reassurance that it will return, it has all the other times, but am always scared in case it doesn't this time.
I want to know who I am again, have my identity back. Maybe some of you understand where I am coming from???
Roxanne
Aged 34, Bristol
But from the age of 24 (I am now 34), on and off it seems that something happens in my life (traumatic, worrying, upsetting, and suddenly a black cloud starts to loom over me. It is like somebody or something it starting to take my soul away, my personality, my identity. It doesn't all disappear straight away, just bit by bit as the days go by. I start to lose my appetite, lose weight, not sleep, cannot go into work and do my job, everything shuts down. My brain shuts down. The girl who danced, lived, laughed and had a meaning has gone. It is like a self defence mechanism. But life for me is not like this all the time. I get to the worst level I can be, no sleep, no food, suicidal thoughts, no identity, I am just a body with no soul. Little by little the thing that took my soul away starts to give a little of it back to me bit by bit, I start to eat and sleep, but cannot laugh or joke, and still wonder around like a zombie.
At the moment, the DP is still with me this time around, I am now eating and sleeping, I still have no interest in my music or aerobics or going out or going to work. I can feel as if the normal me is nearly back, it is like I am waiting for that one last light switch to be flicked back on, and then all the lights will come on and I will return to normality once more. On and off I have suffered intermittently like this for 10 years. I am in this position once again.
And do you know what scares me.... in case that light switch doesn't come back on this time...... It is just a waiting game, waiting for that final piece of identity to return to me.
I just want constant reassurance that it will return, it has all the other times, but am always scared in case it doesn't this time.
I want to know who I am again, have my identity back. Maybe some of you understand where I am coming from???
Roxanne
Aged 34, Bristol
