How you deal with this strange state where you feel nothing except confusion. I all the time think that now i failed. I cant hold myself together at all. Sometimes i just feel so angry and jealous. Sometimes so depressed. Sometimes i feel nothing. Im jumping these different states. But i feel no connection to myself or other world. Feeling like someone is moving me. Someone is putting these feelings inside of me. But i have no understanding no clearness. Everything is messy. Im living in my head and i dont know what is true and what is not. Everything here seems so radical. Like if i think one wrong thought i have ruined everything. One thought is my whole world. And then when i cant get out of that loop. It cretes me never ending suffering. I feel that im doing these same things over and over again. But at the same time i have no understanding what should i be doing. Im doing probably everything wrong that i cant never see the true relief. That always happens. Im sailing below my feelings. But sometimes i go there and thats hell. So im more so here. Where is only emptiness. Im probably just so messed up that im living these old realities and have anymore no idea where i should be and do. Its hard to figure out whats going on. When time has just gone so much that memory is gone. I think i try to get myself better but just failing. Many times i have thought that i never gonna make it. And suicide is only option. But somehow it always goes there where you just accept your suffering and start to get used to it. But then desperatly trying to find solutions which makes things messier. Then when this gets real bad i start to think those little mind processes and over think those little things which have no sense. Im maybe thinkin it will help me. I think i just grow bigger that first problem which made me go this down. Then i get lazy. And start to doubt and fall into bad depression. I just do nothing then. I dont know where i should focus. And will it then be better if i focus little bit in something else. But no it doesent give my life back. What even is life? How it feels to feel good. Does life even exist? Maybe i need stop trying. But even if i stop trying im still doing this what i dont want. I know this over thinking and thinking that i know something will make everything harder. It makes me blind to see whats really going on. But it takes so much effort. I just will never make it. What if i will never make it? Maybe i need to give up. But i dont even know what im giving up. I cant see anything.