It's been a hell of an upward haul these past two years. Going through this pain and suffering of dr/dp has not only torn me apart mentally and physically but i am only now starting to see the power it has given me. Before all this madness and chaos i have endured inside these past years, I was a fun,physically active,enthusiastic and confident person. I was the type of person to steal the show, in any situation. Nothing could stop me.. so i thought. But then it hit me one day back in 2010 when i was 16. I wasn't a stoner kid or a highschool drop out or anything, but i didn't mind the occasional toke up on days like 420, once in a while type thing. For such a big event in Vanvouver.. i mean who didn't blaze up that BC bud that day. Within minutes of 1 or 2 hits.. it really hit me. I totally lost Total control and for those of you who have been there and done, you know EXACTLY what I am talking about. The Fast heart beat, the numbness of your neck, arms, hands and legs you name it and the moment when your mind goes completely blank. I was completely fucked. I thought it was the end of my life or maybe just a bad trip, i had no idea.
The days the weeks and the months went on as i prayed that maybe i could get better,that maybe this strange force would soon leave my body at peace. My personality and talents were slowly being eaten away by this MIND FUCK of an entity, i was lost, emotionless stuck in a daze and confused. My body was stuck here on earth but my mind had gone somewhere else.
I soon developed a severe fear of leaving my house.. that if i ever stepped off of my property all these horrible feelings would come back. and you know what they always did. When i tried to go to school, when my friends wanted me to hang out.. all these bad bad feelings would come back. Ontop of the social anxiety i had another fear of going to sleep.. i was so paranoid of going to sleep because i thought i wouldn't wake up or i thought i would have a heart attack if i went to sleep.I know this all sounds really strange and messed up but my thought process was formed by the un-realistic thoughts of my anxiety and stress and depression.
It was only this year in 2012 that I realized SOMETHING needed to be changed.. AND IT WAS MY THOUGHT PROCESSS!!! these feelings of anxiety are created through negative thoughts that i have of myself. I was lacking self assurance! I believed that i was going to have a heart attack if i went out in public or if i was going to sleep.. i was believing all these bad events that could possibly happen to me if i left my comfort zone, which was my home.. UNTIL i stopped for a momment and thought to myself.. " hey.. i'm a perfectly healthy active person.. the doctor even said so.. why would i have issues with my heart :\??" when i stopped and thought about all that i was able to convince myself that there was nothing wrong with me and it was my mind that was playing tricks with me. Ever since i changed my thought process and as a lot of people mention changing sleeping and eating habits - i started to see the positive changes. I was able to sleep comfortably through the night, able to go out and have fun with friends able to focus on school work. It's still a work in progress but i'm improving i still have my days but hey it's bound to happen here and there. I'm behind in school because it was just impossible for me to focus when i had to. Now i feel that my determination and drive are coming back to me and i'm working towards graduation and also i'm determined to get a job and work full time.. those are my goals. I feel like i've gained strength b/c of the dr/dp, it's forces you to be strong because you will have to put 5X more focus and concentration and effort to what ever you are doing than the average person.
It really helps to have something to believe in whether that be god, or a goal you are aiming for. I'm learning that you need to have a strong belief system and reliability in yourself. And don't get discouraged if you feel like your doing pretty well one day then pretty horrible the next, its normal we ALL go through it, but you must must work through it!! it's a really tough thing, anxiety. Know that you are not alone we're all going through this together and this is not the end of your life, it's a phase and you will learn a lot, i'm still learning.
I would really love to hear about your experiences with anxiety and how you cope, thanks a lot best wishes !
- MsTFFNy likes this
Oct 25 2012 09:47 PM
Really great post and I love your attitude towards the end, you make some good points that we should all listen to and learn from!
Oct 30 2012 01:48 AM
awe thank you so much
Nov 29 2012 08:37 PM
yeah good post