[jake]

Alot has been said on here that DP and self-monitoring are a habit sort of, or a compulsion that keeps answering the obsessive thoughts with more monitoring. Obsession being thoughts--Compulsion being actions. Is there any good that can come of paying attention to what the thoughts are? I mean the content or the "gist"?

If I had a friend who told me they felt bad but didn't know why, I would ask "what's been going on lately and what have you been thinking about?" Would you guys ask that too?

Now if I ask myself the same things--I would back-track to the first panic attack in recent past and wonder if that turned on my "worry switch" at that point, and even if a series of full blown attacks didn't start happening after that, the One I did have seems to have set me in monitor mode. I am phobic about going crazy.

I know it is how phobias form for me. Or rather how the one's I have are re-awakened. I won't have a panic attack for a year, then I'll be in a "stuck" situation and the adrenaline and dizzy feeling and tremendous anxiety come and in some way I am now on high alert. B/cuz I scared myself real bad by feeling those feelings again. I want to protect myself again. So I withdraw in some sense from the world and people even more. And this is a back slide to some progress I seemed to have made.

I do have many "cant's" or "won't do's" already established and I seem to get by. But once I have an "unbidden" panic attack I feel blindsided and terrified. Not being able to control an outcome is hard for me. Not feeling "in control" of my feelings is like Hell on earth.

What I notice of the gist of thoughts in my head as I drag my ass thru the days is that I am bad, weak, stupid, ugly and crazy, and why do I keep surviving each day for more of the same-- "barely getting by" feelings. I feel like life is incredibly stupid and I find little meaning in it or the people in it. I am not merely scared some of the time; I feel always terrorized inside and meds are a cover for keeping me from jumping off a building. I'm glad to have them but God I'm so blue and down and fed up to the teeth with feeling bad.

I don't want my dogs, I don't want my life, to be happy or smile or have one or two un-self-concious moments of not hating myself would be amazing. I don't know what I ever did to hate me so bad, but I am truly sick of this charade that I am actually living. Sorry I just had to dump. I wish I could just believe I will get better this time.

 

[Sojourner]

Read Hope and Help for Your Nerves by Claire Weekes!

It's that "second fear" that gets you. I think you will really like it, Jake!

 

[jake]

Oh Sojourner I been meaning to tell you that book was the most important book in my life in 1980. I had been seeing a counselor, alot about alcohol but she said my DP was part of wthdrawl. I had never heard the word DP till she said it and I got Claires book from the library. Talk about using "Props"! I carried that book with me everywhere. It was someone describing a huge mystery--just incredible. Anyway I got busy and made ajustments and so on--the years went on. Never could use the book totally, but God did it change my life by its mere existence. Anyway I think I'm in hell land of depression right now and I've never deep down bought that diagnosis but I am being convinced and it is strictly living hell. Thanks for answering, it means a lot. God bless ya, glad the book is helping you. I may get my own copy one day.

 

[Sojourner]

Jake,

Buy a copy -- it's really cheap on amazon.com. I read it years ago, too, but it's wonderful today.

When we stop running from the fear, the fear washes over us and then LEAVES. It's the resistance that causes the vicious cycle. Stop the resistance and the fear will pass.

 

[jake]

Thx yeah I will get a copy, she is wonderful. Do you have self hate non-stop during a panic attack? It makes no sense to hate one who is s'posedly not even real or even there..but that is one of the worst parts of panicking for me is the self loathing monster.Do or Did you have that part?

 

[Universal]

Hope and Help For Your Nerves is a great book! I praise it for acknowledging DR symtoms the way it does, or "feelings of unreality" as she describes it. Really good book, go out and get it! Or you can always get it online.

 

[Sojourner]

No self-hate anymore, but I have a boatload of sadness and tears; at least I've started feeling it. I think I've made a decent dent in the boatload, so now it's probably more of a dinghy-load!!

When I'm alone and I'm "unloading," I can't exactly get to the "reasons" or whatnot as well as I can with my therapist, but in the end, I don't even think it matters much. What matters is unloading the feelings themselves.

Last night was very hard for me; a lot of crying without knowing why, except perhaps loneliness, but today, I feel great and there's no trace of loneliness, although I probably AM lonely. Sort of. Not sure about that. I enjoy being alone, actually.

I do get anxiety before some of the feelings want to be "unloaded" -- and the book has frequently pulled me back on track. I keep it very handy, and sometimes just open it randomly and read when I feel anxiety and know that I am fighting it. Before I know it, I've read something that's "on message" and I can then get back on track to relaxing and letting the feelings just flow and do whatever they want to do.

When I feel anxiety creeping up on me, it's like a phone call from my unconscious saying, "Hallo! Time for some feelings to depart at gate Y. Are you ready?" I usually say NO for a while, and then when I get really uncomfortable physically, I'll say, "Oh, hsit, all right -- give me what you got!!"

Then, poof! Maybe tired, but no anxiety.

 

[Martinelv]

Is there any good that can come of paying attention to what the thoughts are? I mean the content or the "gist"?

Absolutely not!

It is not the contents of the obsession that is the problem. It is the fact that your obsessing in the first place - for whatever reason, DR/DP, anxiety, whatever.

Take it from me, the more you pour energy into your obsessions, the stronger it will get. Believe me, I've been there. Even if you do manage to rationalise your obsession, another will quickly take it's place.

Please, I implore you, don't give it to the obsession. Lock them outside and leave them scratching at your door. If you do this, it will give you time to live.

 

[jake]

Hey Martin, thanks. I was wondering on those "self hate" loops of thought--would it do any good to understand what they are about or anything. In other words, are they just an obsession/habit/too? Or is there anything I can learn about from them. Like WHY do I hate myself.

I was wondering if I had an answer there, I could turn it around or understand myself better? I fear that if I ignore the self loathing it won't go away. Does that make any sense? And ppl talk about DP/DR but not many say they have self hate thoughts that are simmering under the surface with it. Do you have that? Is this typical or --I don't know--seems more like depression?
Thanks,
--Jake

 

[Sojourner]

Jake,

That's stuff you can get to in therapy (not CBT, but psychoanalytical or psychodynamic). You can both float by the panic and deal with the unconscious thoughts that may be important in your specific case.

Both things are good but separately (of course). :lol: