[Monkeydust]

I'm not normally one to plead for help like this, but I am, quite frankly, at the end of my tether. I don't know whether what I am experiencing is simply Anxiety, Depression, Obsessive thoughts, schizophrenia, or whether I am simply "fine" but do not realise it.

I am 17 and for about three years now I've had certain issues - severe headaches and, at times, very bad depression, for example. Generally, though, I've been, even at my worst, somewhat "OK".

That all changed three months ago when I had a "bad trip" on ecstasy.

Since then I have been up and down, sometimes alright, other times in abject despair; not once, though, have I properly felt content and fine.

I don't, however, really know what's wrong with me. At first I thought it was just severe anxiety, and that is certainly part of what I have, as I often feel "on edge", irritable, a little shaky, afraid and distressed inside - however most anxiety sufferers seem to report symptoms like churning stomach, racing heartbeat or a lump in the throat, none of which I have.

I guess I also have some depression as well - I certainly do feel very sad at times, can have a flat mood and feel exhausted and tired. But again, I think there's more to it than that.

I do get some DP/DR as well, but I'm uncertain as to whether this is what I'm experiencing or if it's something else. I very often, perhaps always feel "not with it", somewhat "disconnected" from myself. I can feel odd simply looking in the mirror. I'm also very, very "dreamy" most of the time. More than anything else, I feel very "within my own head" - even if I'm occupied with something or in a conversation I can feel like this. Sometimes I'll almost feel as if my mind is completely "switched off".

More than anything, though, I'm frightened to death of developing schizophrenia. Although I'd like to think that, having in the last three months somewhat "got better", that this is unlikely, the fact that, over the last week I've felt totally "spacey", dreamy and "not there", as well as being confused, unable to concentrate, having a bad memory and not being at all "sharp" anymore makes me think that this is the path I'm heading down, and I'm struggling to kick this fear right now.

I don't really get paranoia, and I don't have hallucinations or voices (although sometimes when I'm half-asleep I feel as if I do) - however I feel almost like I'm about to start developing these.

Though I'm only 17, I feel like I'm almost at the end. I've had bad times before, but I'm starting to feel now that I'm truly losing connection with reality. I feel like I've dug myself into a deep hole, and that I can't, any longer, get out of it.

What is it that I'm suffering with? What are the odds of it being schizophrenia after this time? Are there really any hopes for a better life now? I don't even want to be rich, to have lots of friends or a good job - I just want to be able to be reasonably content and at peace with my lot in life.

Thanks for any help you have, I'm really struggling right now.

 

[jft]

Monkeydust. You sound real familiar to me. I always want to say to peeps like you that this may just be a strong temporary jolt to your brain becasue of the X use, and these symptoms may go away. It of course only takes one time (drug use) for dp/dr to get let loose for many , but I used to sometimes experience temporary symtpoms from hallucinogens that would go away in a week or few. Me being ignorant kept on using and soon these and many more symptoms became chronic. So of course one has to say for you to EVER use again...even weed...is not a very wise option. I cannot stress that enough. Your body has told you BIG TIME that you are not one that can play around with recreational drugs. I usually do not preach but your story is so very much the same as mine and I wish someone would have hit me over the head with a hammer at the time this started for me. This could be a blessing in disguise for you in the form of a very important wake up call.

PLease do not fear schizophrenia. It is so common to do this. I feared it all the time, as well as epilepsy. I know when your brain is feeling like this, weak and trippy and exited, that it feels like you may snap. Ain't gonna happen unless you have the gene that says it will. Sure seems like it, but it won't. This fear will only make you much worse. You sounded very intact in your post.

You have to wait this out, stay clean and see a doc who may help you with the anxiety. In fact I do not see why a benzo would not help you if taken temporarily. In fact I hope you see a GOOD doc that understands what is up. These are jsut my opinions. My hope is that this will let up for you as you give your brain a chance to heal. Time will tell. But remember that no matter what happens, there are always options, and more options are being made available as we speak. You are a very young person. You gonna be fine.
JFT

 

[Guest]

exctacy users usually get these feelings after a bad trip, usually stays with them for months until they start to feel better, my suggestions are to stop using exctacy permenantly, its simply not worth it. Good luck