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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I'm am currently recovering from what i have found to be a case of drug induced dp/dr. I have always been someone who suffered panic attacks and had high anxiety. You could also say I am a very very over analytical person, I find a conspiracy in most things, and have a hard time trusting even people i've known for years. All these things of course being, pre-drug use.
I turned to drugs as an escape from monotony and i thought maybe they would provide the answers to what my mind was asking, and would help we understand more about myself. This is a cruel irony, in the end drugs only allowed me to pose more questions and eventually (at one point) caused me to almost completely lose touch with reality. I suppose to whole thing started mildy with a bad DXM trip. These feelings of depersonalization lasted through the course of the trip, afterwords leaving me hoping I would never feel such a thing again.
DXM was a gateway for me to experience the other pathways in my mind which i felt would be healthy :roll: , there was always this border in my mind which i felt i must break. I wanted an experience that would completely detatch me from reality, I thought maybe through this I would cure my past problems and be able to move on. It's horrible how untrue this thinking was.
I had always regarded marijuana as a wimpy drug, something the kids do, i treated joints like they were cigarette's, i would lay down for hours at a time and explore the universe I had opened that was my mind. I would analyze and question. This would go on for months without any feelings of DP. Although i believe MJ was the cause of my episode in the end more so than any other substance.
I lost my piercing job nad moved out of state back to wear i was raised, this was where the feelings of detatchment began to settle in, although i was still strong enough to reject these feelings as foolish. "Why should I sacrifice what i had gained through drug use?" I thought. Loosing my job had left me unemployed and depressed, and also in a state of intoxication during the entire day. It's no surprise I had forgotten how to perceive reality, I had completely stopped living it for months! This binge lasted about 3 months, during which MJ was smoked constantly everyday, cocaine had become a novelty, the occasional roll could be expected. It was not uncommon for me to drink during these experiences.
I had another episode that last about 2 days during this time, I had taken 10mg of Valium someone had given me, and smoked more than i should've and stayed up all night. I felt completely detatched for about 2 days, I blamed this on the valium and the feelings went away. I was foolish not to see the warning signs of what was to come.
Fast forward to early July, I felt somewhat detatched, although at the time i was still intoxicating myself to escape my problems (my job loss and recent break up), I had taken a large quantity of darvocets, and smoked a couple blunts of MJ which later i believe to have been laced with PCP. I had finally recieved the experience I had longed for, the barrier had been broken down that I had felt for so long, I should've been happy right? The next day I woke up and felt myself in a trance-like state. My world had become nothing but a static, or a fog. I felt like I was merely sitting in the backseat while some other part of me was running on automatic, only to survive. This state continued to escalate as a became more paranoid about the severity of what i could only describe to myself as a psychosis. I thought perhaps I'd finally fried that last brain cell that had been hiding my sanity from the horrible non-realities. I stopped most of the drugs, citing that the occasional smoke would be ok. I wish I had quit altogether at that point, preferably previous to that.
About a month and a half later I quit smoking completely. My memory of who/what/when I was had become jibberish. I couldn't make myself understand what it meant to be me. I can only assume this was caused by my opening of certain doors in my mind which nature had intended to be left shut. Over the weeks that followed I assumed the condition would go away on it's on, which it did to some extent, but worsened in some ways due to panic attacks and various stressors I had recently aquired.
This brings me to about two weeks ago. I had finally begun to feel the drug withdrawals going away, now I could deal with these psychological problems with a relitively clear head. I was having anxiety that would never go away, things that should've made me happy only made me less-depressed. But my memory was becoming more clear and that was helping me realize who I was, and who I'm supposed to be. I found what helped me the most at first is listening to music I had enjoyed prior the the drug binges, prior to these feelings that had taken me over. Happy memories and old time began to come back to me. But was it me? I felt I had begun to percieve my past in third person terms, like it was merely a story i had told myself. My condition began to improve, through what I can attribute to prayer and forced self recognition. What helped the most is reading past journal entries, looking at pictures from the past, hanging out with anyone, people from my pre-drug state, in particular. I had to absorb as much of this information as possible. I had to understand what had occured over the past months. I had to remember who I was and KNOW that that person is me now. All the doors that drugs have opened up must be closed I keep telling myself, and I'm assuming this is something that just happens over time. Since a sober mind learns to think sober again. At least, that has been my current experience.
I would say as of this writing I'm almost completely over this, my memories are now a reality to me, and reality is no longer as plastic as it once was. With time, I imagine whatever needs to be sorted out in my head will sort itself out. And reality will again be 100% of my focus.
My advise from my experience? Think positive, socialize as much as possible with people you trust. Time alone spent being preoccupied with something. And keep telling yourself that this will end, because I truely believe that my feelings of DP/DR are close to an end.
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