[GroupHug]

I'm curious. I've had a few.

The first and longest lasting was sparked when I was a very young kid. Around 5-10 years old a rumor started that I was gay and the kids in the neighbourhood would sometimes tease me. Now, I didn't even hit puberty and I don't think I could even grasp the definition of the word at the time, but everyone around me said it was bad and I felt bad.

When I was 12 I started noticing the girls and had little crushes. I found Google image searches of Anna Nicole Smith strangely interesting. At the same time I began this obsession about my sexuality. "What if I'm gay?". "What if my family finds out I'm gay?". "Do I look or act gay?". It never had to do with me actually wrestling with my attraction to boys or denying it like a gay person who's in the closet or denial would, but this obsession still went on for years. I'd get TERRIFIED anytime someone brought up homosexuality or said something homophobic.

I've since learned that this is called HOCD (homosexual ocd) and I'm not the only one whose had it.

Another one actually had me confessing to a crime I didn't commit because I had all these intrusive thoughts convincing me I was some insane criminal. I felt so guilty for things I'd never even done and would never ever do.

The more disturbing obsessions (and just a warning, these are pretty disturbing) I've had were me convincing myself (on seperate occasions) I was a sociopath, a pedophile, a murderer, and a rapist. I used to feel so uncomfortable around kids because I would question and say to myself: "What if I'm a pedophile?". "Everyone thinks I'm a pedophile.". Again, it had nothing to do with wrestling with attraction, but was all about obsessing over "what ifs" and what other people may think. I'd have all sorts of these kind of disturbing thoughts and think I was such a terrible person.

A year or so ago I thought, "what if on the way home I blacked out and raped and killed someone without even knowing it?". "I'm going crazy and I'm a psychopath!". I thought I'd be in jail for the rest of my life and seriously contemplated suicide.

Now I feel like I've overcome these obsessions and I don't believe they'll ever bother me again.

How about you?

 

[SongBillong]

Very interesting post. I had a similar phase with the whole gay thing. I knew for a fact I wasn't in any way gay and never have felt that way at all, but if I looked into my male friends' eyes for too long I'd automatically and inexplicably think "Crap, he's gonna find out I'm gay and attracted to him!" - even though I wasn't at all. It was like a stupid little voice talking over my own thoughts and replacing them with this nonsense. Also similar to you is an obsession I've had about me being on the edge of becoming a serial killer. I look at people walking past and I'm bizarrely adamant that I was ridiculously close to battering them to death. That's made me paranoid that I do have this darker side in me and it scares me, it really does. Could I just snap like that? That's what I'm being told. I don't know. It's crazy. I don't get the gay one anymore but I'm always getting the murderous obsession feeling. Even today, I just felt this darkness in my eye sockets (difficult to explain but they feel deep and...evil?) that is almost trying to tease me into doing something horrific or at least thinking about it. I don't want to do it but it's making me think that I will!

 

[GroupHug]

Very interesting post. I had a similar phase with the whole gay thing. I knew for a fact I wasn't in any way gay and never have felt that way at all, but if I looked into my male friends' eyes for too long I'd automatically and inexplicably think "Crap, he's gonna find out I'm gay and attracted to him!" - even though I wasn't at all. It was like a stupid little voice talking over my own thoughts and replacing them with this nonsense.

Also similar to you is an obsession I've had about me being on the edge of becoming a serial killer. I look at people walking past and I'm bizarrely adamant that I was ridiculously close to battering them to death. That's made me paranoid that I do have this darker side in me and it scares me, it really does. Could I just snap like that? That's what I'm being told. I don't know. It's crazy. I don't get the gay one anymore but I'm always getting the murderous obsession feeling. Even today, I just felt this darkness in my eye sockets (difficult to explain but they feel deep and...evil?) that is almost trying to tease me into doing something horrific or at least thinking about it. I don't want to do it but it's making me think that I will!

I've felt that a lot of times too. I was always afraid I'd be creeping a guy out and worried he'd be picking up "gay vibes". Funny thing is, when you visibly get uncomfortable it makes other people uncomfortable, just not for the reason you're worried about. Unfortunately, that usually makes you feel validated in your false projection.

I once heard a comedian named Maria Bamford, who had intrusive and disturbing sexual/violent thoughts since she was a child, say that the people obsessed and terrified of being violent were the least likely to be. She compared it to how a person who feels filthy and is obsessed with washing their hands 100 times a day is the least likely to be dirty.

 

[Nugget]

Funny, I've been DPDR free for quite a few years now. My last post was about 3 years ago, I randomly decided to check the forum again tonight just for the hell of it.

I still have remnant anxiety though. This post I can relate with. I obsess with "what ifs" all the time. The actual contents of the "what if" questions have been so varied that they're not even worth mentioning. The thing is, they're intrusive. I know they're illogical, but my brain likes to hang on to them. Worry about them... on bad days I might be questioning everything second to second, not even being able to relax or do my work. On better days, maybe 5 - 10 questions per day.

Still feel more normal than when I had DPDR though. Hang in there people!

 

[SongBillong]

I once heard a comedian named Maria Bamford, who had intrusive and disturbing sexual/violent thoughts since she was a child, say that the people obsessed and terrified of being violent were the least likely to be. She compared it to how a person who feels filthy and is obsessed with washing their hands 100 times a day is the least likely to be dirty.

Exactly! Great example, it's ridiculous!