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I'm in the midst of a horrible, horrible, horrible depression. A despair beyond despair. This is not meant to make you sad by the way.

Anyways, I suffered diassociation a lot of times in my life due to my overactive anxiety and overactive mind.

The first time it was intense--like a spiritual death. A lot of the feelings about the world being unreal, the self being fictitious and the like weren't abberations of thought to me but rather philosophical realizations that I knew I would never let go of. But I kept living through some stoic determination. I used alcohol and exersize and just kept very busy. I recovered, but the way I recovered was by creating a new identity of sorts--a new psychological structure in my mind--I had met friends and one elder person who became like a generic father figure to me and I realized a lot of my issues came from not having a dad. I got a really good job at a bar where I loved and worked endless hours and made connections with people and after a year I was living without thinking about the dr/dp experience too much--although the spectre of those philosophical realizations were there but I kept them locked away. For six years I was ok.

Then last year after a series of unfortunate events and health scares and probably some misguided therapy I detached again. The therapist put me in a trance state whereby I was talking to certain parts of my subconscious (The critique and the child etc) and it seemed like a good idea to deal with the stress that my internal chemistry was giving me. But then one session I 'broke'--it was an immediate kinda thing where my brain just changed and I started suffering some of the most intolerable anxiety of my life. I mean I spent entire weeks walking because I was so scared of the disassociation again that I knew there was a chance I couldn't survive it. But I was resolute and started making recovery slowly. Three months in and I was started to feel a bit better--appetite returned, sex drive and everyday life had become tolerable. But then disaster struck again. I suffered vertigo for about two weeks giving me loads of anxiety and that was it for me. The past week has been what I can only describe as real depression. The serious one. It is intense. There is a madness element to it. My body is turning off--i can feel it work its way within. My stomach, my head, my heart, everything feels sick. There is nothing that I can do, no where I can go where this feeling will be eased. I know there is no coming back this on my own. So for the first time in my life I have gone on medication and started my zoloft today because I haven't slept in three days and my brain is 100 percent broken.

The reason why I am writing this is to offer my help to you guys. DP/DR although feels serious-- is definitely treatable and your mind will learn how to orientate itself again. The scary thoughts go away and you will learn to be in the moment--do what you need to do to get by everyday. If alcohol helps, do that, if exersize helps, do that. But do not do what I did--do not just try be stoic and ignore it and pretend it never happened. You have to find your trigger--the thing that set it off and get rid of it. If it was a trauma, anxiety, weed, stress or whatever then find it. Find a psychologist or a psychiatrist. Once you know you have the ability to disassociate you gotta stay on top of it before it happens again. I ignored my anxiety and it will be the thing that kills me now.

I wish you all luck X
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