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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
i have been seen my therapist abotu 8 times now, but she doesn't seen to want to agknowledge that there is something deeper then what she has put down on my records, i know that can sound asthough i know more then my therapist, well in a sence it is...

where i have been suffering with mental illness from an early age alot of symptoms and issues i have begun to accept and in a sence ignore, so when i goto see her i tend to miss out things accidently, i have trouble saying what i am really feling. this has been due to my up bringing, in my family it was not appropiate to express how you were feeling so i have nver done it...

i have come along way on my own, but i have now reached a stage that whats left is too much for me to handle on my own, i need outside advise and guidence, but where ever i go i cannot find the answers i am looking for...

if anyone knows someone in the basildon - essex area could they please let me know, for right now i am at a loose end of where to turn

ThE_Mok
 
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Discussion Starter · #2 ·
I'm sorry, but I'm no where near your neck of the woods. I just wanted to write and share the same fear.

The whole source of my condition is a lack of being able to conjure up emotive expression. I'm so even keel, even with out the DP/DR I'd feel like I was dead. How am I supposed to explain in words, when it looks like I'm the picture of normalcy, that I am churning inside, that I am cowering off somewhere in a corner of my mind like a beaten child? How can I convince anyone that I feel tortured on a regular basis, when if they saw me on the street and asked how I was doing, I'd say, "Fine [smile]. How's your family?" Isn't that half of this whole condition? No one knows, and we can't really tell anyone. By "can't", I mean unable to really express what we go through. Personally, "can't" also means won't because it has become a conditioned response for me to feel continuously like I will be "found out." Someday, someone is going to say, "You're crazy!! Hey everyone, this guy's out of his mind!" It is more than natural for me to hide it.

So, I'm at a loss, as well. I feel that I would like to try life on Lamotrigine, so that I could stop self-medicating, with the hope of really living again. But, how do I make it clear that it would be a sound step, when I can't get "crazy" in front of a therapist.

Anyone from Philly who knows any therapist with experience in DP/DR please PM me with some info. I've talked to the head of the Psychology Dept. at one of the major research universities in the city. He never knew DP/DR was it's own condition.
 
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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
rett, thats not a problem mate, it was generially an open topic anyway...

i know excatly what you mean about hiding the true feeligns and emotions locked up inside, normally in the fear of peopel thinking differently about you and the fear that they may use that against you, or look down on you...

i have quite oftern been refered to as a vulcon of os star trek as i never show any emotions of my face or voice, and as you said, it is almost impossible to tell someone that yeah you are feelign like shit when they ask you, ''how are ya?'' i can spend all day saying to myself, if someone asks how i am tell them how you feel, and what do i get, ''yeah not too bad'' lol, drives me up the bloody wall.

i found that writing has been my biggest help over the years, i used to write an great deal of poety, which at the time of writing it i was in a seriouse bout of depression, so most of it portrays that, alot os so depressing it is hard for myself and others to read, a vast majority of it is me going on about how i want to die, but i cannot so i would be like help me do it...

now i have started to write short stories, the longes it 5 pages, 1.5 line spacing and for 12, but each one tells a story about one part of my life, each part i have been able to put my emotions down and all i have had is possitive feed back, my plans now are to look round for a publisher, as i believe that will then close the lid on my past and open my eyes to the future...

about the self medicating, i used to be a heavy drinker, heave puff smoker, esctacy taker amphetamines, all of which were taken to take controll of my mind which had taken controll of itself and pushed me to the darkest regions of my mind, my counsellors both tell me this is due to my high tollorence levels for substances... as soon as i cam off then i have a major withdrawl symtoms as i had spent about 8-9 years on my live on one substance or another, once i over came then i was put back on the road to recovery, yes i have a long way to go, but that is why i am looking around for a better therapist, as the one i am seeing know only agknowloges what i have told her previously but takes no notice of now...

hold on strong and you will make it through, i looked at things liek this, i am going through this for a reason, i will just have to wait and see what that reason is, and that thought held me together...

well all the best
ThE_Mok
 

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Well guys, you know you are always free to come on these boards and rant to your heart's content, so please do whenever you like :D

As for the therapist, IMO any therapist that won't believe what their client is telling them is not worth seeing. You could try finding a different therapist.

However its worth noting that if you try to approach your emotions and fears head on then you may run into a road block, of sorts. Try working around the edges of the problem. In all honesty and in my experience the problem in DP is not wanting to deal with all the little issues we have in our life. Instead we choose to ignore them as though they don't matter and instead focus on this massive existential fear. Well, if you do that then you just put yourself into a very powerful place that you have difficulty escaping from.

Here is what I recommend. Next time you see your therapist, start very small. Start by talking to them about how you got angry when someone cut you off in traffic, or bumped into you in the street. Tell them how your parents called you at an inconvienient time or something that seems so minor and insignificant.

In my experience, if your therapist is good then they will help you gradually follow these threads and over time unweave a very complicated tapestry of how these problems have built up over your life. You'll be very surprised to see where these seemingly insignificant annoyances actually come from in your past, where they originated and how they have grown over time.

Also, by actually dealing with these "lesser" problems you will probably find yourself feeling much better overall, because you are breaking your issues up into smaller, manageable chunks rather than trying to shove a whole watermelon in your mouth ;)

Also, I too had the problem of not being able to express how I felt in from of my therapist, so I think its probably normal. Take it slow and at your own pace and try to get your therapist to work with you.
 

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Hi - feeling embarrassed now as all the top list of the posts has my name - and I'm new too, sorry, this is v unusual 4 me, I so rarely even go on the PC, maybe I'm just over-excited today! Just wanted to say good to hear someone from UK on here - maybe I'm totally wrong but I feel most are from US and so have a different system. MY POINT if I can stop blethering and get to it is that I had a lot of problems finding a good therapist then I rung a helpline and they told me to look at the BACPS web-site - actually not sure if this is the right acronym, but if you ever are interested, please post me back and I will try to get it for you - sorry if there's a gap, I'm a bit untogether at the mo and it can take me a few days to come back to the board here. Anyway, I have just got complex PTSD dx, and so I just asked the therapists when I phoned them, did they have experience of treating this. Whatever your dx is, if you have one or believe in them anyway, it's a useful shorthand to find someone a) who has heard of it and b)got experience treating it, ie believes in the great distress it is so hard to express damage done to you psychologically when young causes - or whatever, it doesn't matter per se, the point is emotional turmoil and pain, and needing someone you can trust and respect to let you let them know in your own way. Try Alice Miller's list of questions to ask a therapist. (it's on the Net). It's hard to feel a therapist isn't helping, and to get the strength to change if you feel you need to. Worth also, though, checking for sure - it's not your own defences resisting him/her first - (how, I think time and your intuition in the end will know). I got a good one in Seaford, but I did have a few choices. Pretty sure there will be ones near you - however, as ever, I know, ????s and time big problems to face too!! Anyway, all the best - Daisymay xxxxx
 
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