Depersonalization Support Forum banner
1 - 20 of 86 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
452 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Dear All,

I don't have any future goals, aims, achievements, directed-thinking or anything. My internal monologue has completely disappeared. What an awful year and half I have had. Still, I feel under special-forces level of stress and anxiety.

I have to say that, it is beyond any doubt now, that I immediately and clearly need specialist professional help. I cannot deal with this by myself. I will speak to my psychiatrist either on monday or tueday and chase that referral up. I want to be seen and helped guys, this is torturous.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
382 Posts
let the dp come and let it pass, dont over obsess it, just live with it.. talking to people seems like a cure to me, its like a little way of freedom, talk to ur loved ones, theyll really help u out, dont be scared, just accept it and do what u got to do, trust me im in peace cus of this, and my dp was worse then what u say, everything will be okay, just accept the feelings, let them come and go, and TALK TO PEOPLE
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
452 Posts
Discussion Starter · #6 ·
I was just viewing the other sub-thread and somewhere in there, somebody wrote that they feel that their brain is a lifeless stone compared to the dynamic brain that it once was.

I think that is a lovely way of putting it. I used to think about my favourite topics like psychology, neuroscience, chemistry, etc nd now I can't think at all. My spontaneous thoughts and inner homologue have gone.

Perhaps it was because of the trauma that I have gone through being TOO much for me and as a result the brain is in complete shut-down survival mode. Removing an inner life could be a safety defence mechanism because if you reduce the total output of thoughts, then you reduce the thinking about the trauma.

I am in a lot of pain and agony right now, mentally.

Also, I think my faith and trust in my self has gone. This is a bit more abstract and harder to explain but I caused a lot of problems to myself directly int he last few years, like getting fat, bad health, injuries, having to have operations, missing out on opportunities to have my sex addiction treated by not even thinking about speaking up, getting fired from jobs etc.

I can't WAIT for proper treatment now! Cmon!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
452 Posts
Discussion Starter · #7 ·
I'm struggling to be alone right now - I feel scared and anxious. I can't BE withmyelf right now...maybe hence the dislocation? I'm trying to play amateur psychologist here but maybe I am wrong. I've said it elsewhere that because of my addiction, I can't believe that I got involved in certain sexual things that I really never thought would happen. I wish I had taken ibogaine a few years ago and cleaned out those pathways out. I;ve still got that problem to solve and it's making me feel sad, depressed and anxious.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
452 Posts
Jesus, I just had to take a benzo. This is terrifying. Argh. I actually want to cry but I can't.

Is this a place on the forum where we can put how we feel? And journal about things? If it's not I would appreciate it if somebody could let me know.

So, I am lying in bed now and I thought that I would write whatever comes to mind. My mind's eye used to be really over-active and easy for me to imagine things before, but now it isn't. I am getting a slight picture of the library in my university where I would do quite a lot of work. I started my Masters course in 2014, and decided to extent it to 2015. I finished my undergraduate course in 2013, and I came home after living in another part of the country. When I was home, I really got into the self-help "community" if you like and was very excited to improve my life. You could say, on one level, that I was a social loser. Anyway, I just didn't do this very well and I know it is easy to blame others, but if only I had got some fucking support from my parents and some fucking validation for what I was doing, maybe things would have worked out better. They have simply never been relaxed or very supportive of what I am doing.

I have mentioned it elsewhere, that I realised that I had an addiction to masturbation and porn, and was trying the "NoFap" challenge in order to get the brain "reboot".

Each relapse pissed me off and even made me feel depressed enough to get mildly drunk in the local pub, and it was something that I was putting a lot of effort into.

I remember then, the relapse I had just making it short of the famous 90 days and how upset I felt. All hell broke loose the next week then, with the visit to the transgendered escort.

If I reflect back on things now, I suspect that I had used porn so much in my formative years that my dopamine system was now well and truly obliterated. I thought that if you had time in between the relapses, the urges would get weaker. The fear, panic, anxiety and arousal to visit this escort was just overwhelming.

The sadness, pain, destruction, despair, and genocide that this has caused to my life cannot be overstated. I remember going back into that library to work again, and I just felt like utter utter trash. My NoFap challenge had come to a brutal, unexpected and devastating end. Why did this have to happen to me?

I wish that I had joined a specialist support group at some point in the year before and taken some medication - although to be fair to myself, I did ask for naltrexone and my psychiatrist laughed at me and denied it. I even could have ordered some ibogaine off the internet and done a low-dose regimen in my room.

To have gone through all of this and be savaged with the intensity of the cravings for this kind of sex and more has ripped my ind apart - I mean, I am now on this website aren't I. Even last year, why didn't I buy naltrexone or ibogaine or something after my exams and try something. It was pure TORTURE. You may think that I am just blabbering on, but I am trying to evoke some of the feelings that I went through and the fact that I ACTUALLY went through this. I'm catching onto my idea that this was some kind of overwhelming trauma and I have just completely shut out now. I have a mantra going around in circles in my head going: "I can't fucking believe this happened, I can't fucking believe this happened etc".

Do you know how unbelievably tempted I am to take ibogaine to CRUSH those addiction pathways, so I never have to experience cravings ever again? So that I can wage WAR on it. But I am scared that chemically it will make the DP/DR much worse. There is a Longevity account of a lady who took ibogaine and it gave her a terrible blank mind. I actually took a little bit the day after I got DP'd and maybe it did cause my blank mind? Who knows?

I hope though that I can convey the terribleness of what I went through. I wish that this new addiction compound. derived form ibogaine, called 18-MC was now available. I bet the evil pharmaceutical companies will block it. But even if its approved, it won't be years until it is available.

I am struggling severely to pin down the emotions that I feel right now, but it is one of pure suffering and being pushed to an extreme end-point.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
452 Posts
Discussion Starter · #11 ·
No, deer, I still feel very bad. I am chronically spaced out and drunk nearly every second.

On top of that, my mental health team STILL have not referred me, just sitting on their ass with the forms and whatever we discussed. Fuck them.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
452 Posts
Discussion Starter · #14 ·
I am feeling the pain again of what happened to me in my addiction. I remember sitting in my bedroom here about two years ago when I came back home to visit. Jeez, has that addictive experience really taken it out of me. Maybe I thought I would never get out of it - who knows. Does anybody here know much about addiction science? I think I will make a thread in the general mental health. I also lost all of my muscle mass- can you believe it, because injuries forced me to take a break out of it. I just can't believe it all. I wish that I could go back 3 or 4 years ago :cool:

I'm not good at recognising my own emotions and feelings as well. I think there is a yucky horrible feeling going on "underneath the surface". Sometimes I feel that writing things down would help, but then often I don't do anything about it. Other times, like now, I feel that talking would be better.

ahah wait. I'm getting something. since the addiction disaster happened and the cravings/obsessive thoughts, i haven't been able to relax in my mind. my mind has literally been an area or a home of terror and displeasure. i feel injured and dirty due to what happened. and also trapped, suffocated, despair and helplessness. i guess its good to put a name to this. eeeeeerrrrrgggggghhhhhhhhhh.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
452 Posts
I don't know what to do anymore. I can't believe that I am this unwell. :|

My brain isn't even telling me what to do anymore to get better - I just don't know. What HAVE I been doing? I need to move FORWARD now. I have moved seriously backwards as you can tell form my posts in terms of my life in the last year and a half. I still can't exercise or go to the gym because of injuries but I will do anything that I can to get better and do something constructive.

I've got to move in a direction where I start doing things right again. I feel that I have lost all faith and confidence in myself, and that "I" am drowning in the weight of everything imploding over me, like a heavy fucking ceiling falling on my head.

Who has been here before, and what have you done to get better?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
452 Posts
Discussion Starter · #16 ·
I wonder if the Ibogaine (roughly 0.5g total alkaloid) that I consumed in october has made me worse. I wish I hadn't taken it, because then I would have known what made me worse or whether it was just the DP/DR. I remember the DR coming on very randomly - I started to complain that my surroundings were so bright and everything looked like it was saturated in colour and light. I was walking home from university when that happened. It was pretty scary.

I was talking to a recovery friend who also suffered from sex addiction and he reported having great success with ibogaine as the only thing that removed his craving. I wish that I could take it again, but it is too dodgy/dangerous to try. Unfortunately.

If only I had done this 2 or 3 years ago :cry: my heart aches with regret today.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
452 Posts
Discussion Starter · #17 ·
I want to recover and go back into reality, but it's like my brain doesn't want to.

Does anyone else feel incredibly ALONE and like there is something MISSING, because they have lost their internal monologue??
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
452 Posts
Discussion Starter · #18 ·
I'm feeling really scared and actually annoys with people today, telling me that this will pass, just accept it etc.. I just need to acknowledge that I am in a bad mood and it will pass.

I just feel seriously seriously sad that I have ended up here in my life. I am only 24 years old.

Regarding medication, I think I will wait a while longer to try something, which might be the case anyway because of the time in between appointments. The reason Is ay that is because every day I feel slightly different and it feels like the Dp/dr keeps shifting. I don't know if its going to settle down and equilibrate but let's see.

I also feel 100 per cent cognitively stupid and like I can't even think. This triggers the fear and anxiety. I just can't escape from it. I worry that I am going to be peramemently stupid...and I was intelligent before.

Gah fuck this. I just feel very self-blaming. I never appreciated anything in my life before this and constantly took stupid risks.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
452 Posts
I had a coffee about 45 minutes ago and that just made me feel massively worse. I am freaking out terribly with this DP/DR now...I need actual coping strategies and a way to recover.

I have absolutely no idea who I am and have completely 100 per cent lost my identity. I am just walking around as a floating person....a "being", instead of "somebody"...instead of feeling like Hedgehog Fuzz.

My sense of Self has been entirely stopped away. I cannot stress how completely fucking terrified I am now.

Can ANYBODY on here relate??

EDIT: I don't know who is looking out through my eyes - I struggled to articulate this, but I suppose that is because when you look at the world through YOUR eyes you have a sense of "I"... a sense of identity. Because that's gone, I don't know who I am.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
452 Posts
I think that I might have one of the worst cases of DP/DR out of all the people on this forum. I just don't know how to put what I have gone through into words. I want somebody to hold me and hug me.

( I just looked at another thread which states that it is our own anxiety which creates this. I don't know about that but I see how it couldn't help. I get like little releases of thoughts and pictures about the traumatic events which happened int he last two years. As I have said a lot of them concerned my addiction. The one i just got now was like a reminder of the constant stressful horrible back-and-forth debate that all (sex) addicts have inside their own head about shall I sexually act out with this or not. I can remember getting up from my computer and walking around and then sitting back down again, and just repeating this, in regards to some of my sexually addictive behaviours involving escorts. As I said earlier in the thread as well, my addiction had progressed/escalated onto acting out sexual with transgender escorts. I can remember these debates inside my head as I tried to resist going, which by the nature of this type of acting out, would lead me to deeply question my own sexuality. At the same time as this, I was going to a 12-step group ad was having problems with the spiritual/religious nature of the program. I would then, having been faced with these insane cravings where it felt like my head was being internally attacked with a screwdriver, be then trying to "work the program" and involve praying, and doing things in a certain kind of way that is not congruent or consistent with who I am. But given the initial stock of seeing that first escort and the truly awful place that I found myself in, I did my best and pushed myself to an extreme limit. By way of influence, I became a born-again Christian and went a little crazy.

Funnily enough, now that I have DP/DR, these thoughts and memories are so far away. It really feels like I have completely separated and detached from this.

So far, writing this has not made an ounce of difference, but if nothing else, it's been a place to vent. Oh, I may add as well, that I can feel background anger inside me, about where the fuck I am in my life right now. It's not fair. I put so much effort into self-change and quitting the addiction, only for it to get out of hand.

what.a load. of....
 
1 - 20 of 86 Posts
Top