It's already over. I have died in some kind of accident. I'm just walking around in a haze looking at everything at how it once was, knowing it will never be the same. I am not fully dead yet, but I sure am not alive either. It's like a pentagory i'm stuck in, before i "enter the light" or whatever. Stuck because i'm unable to move forward. I'm just lurking around looking for some kind of closure, compassion from someone else, a last goodbye and reassurance. I have many times, litterally walked around, whether it be night time or day, all by myself just looking at things, places and people. Just observing everything and wishing i could go back to life, but i can't, i'm a lost cause already. There's a constant scream inside my head, a desperation so deep words can't describe it, even an intense scream couldn't express it. if only i could "reach out" to the real world, but no one can hear me, no one can see me. When i go to school or whatever, and someone rezognize and talks to me, i am often surprised that they actually do se me. I'm thinking "don't you know i'm not real, i'm not part of this world anymore, you have to go continue your own life, it's too late for me".
This feeling is so intense, and lasts for so long without pauses, it litterally makes you forget who you are, what you are, what you are doing. a day, a month, a year, i can't tell the difference. It's just a number we make up in our head. Time is a concept that makes no sense. One moment something is, the next it's like it never even happened at all. It's just something you made up in your head. I have no idea what is my DP talking and what is real life. Even if someone knew what was going on, and sat down with me and told me it's ok, it's only DP, i would have absolutely no idea what was true and not. A big part of me would have thought i was making this person up on the spot. Everything is just one big grey mess.
Even when i force myself to participate in something, exercise, socializing or whatever it might be, it's always that same element to it. Even if things are going good, great even! At the end of the day the bigger part of me says, yeah you tried really hard and did a good job, created a worthy memory, but you know this is all just a temporary fairytale, and now it's time to let it go! So every day i have basically two choices: the days are either be "lazy" and do nothing, drowning in your own sorrows, OR, do something, spend all of your energy plus some more, and actually achieve something that day, only to find out it's all for nothing. It was just an imaginary temporary moment that is now long lost. which leaves me rendered, confused and super depressed.
All this, just an average day in the bad periods i have had in the past.
