Charger, we do seem quite alike in our illness! I came over here after posting in the main forum too! It is soooooooooo complicated isn't it? It seems like everything is so intricately wound up, what causes this, this causes that, both cause each other, what comes first, the dp or the anxiety etc etc. The worst thing is that each of our mazes are different so whilst we can listen in to the advice of Janine etc, she can't give us the answer to our own problem. We can apply techniques and understand more but thats about it. For so long I looked for the answer on these pages, in the pages of books and in other people's stories, each time reading something new and thinking that I must have that problem too. But Ive realised that Im the only person who has the answer. Which is at least some comfort, knowing that the answer is with me all the time. And that for me, is to lead a happy life. Simple as that.
I can honestly say, that I have some gratitude for my 'crisis' over the last few months. This may not apply to everyone, especially those who have got dp through injury or drugs. Basically, I have learnt a few crucial things, about myself, things I have been forced to look at because of the hell Ive been through over the past few months. This realisation and understanding has done a few things. One, it has lessened my dp. Two, there are parts of me that feel better than before. Parts I didnt realise that were 'missing' or could have felt more whole. So, whilst in essence, I am still suffering, symptom wise, than before this episode, I am essentially stronger, with some tools under my belt. This tells me that I am on the right track. The symtpoms come and go, and my fear of them is much less. The greatest knowledge for me, is that I have always felt that this horrible thing 'happens' to me. Ever since I was a child, that scary feeling of when will it happen next? This has made me feel not in control, in many aspects of my life. Now I have realised that I am in control, I am in charge of my own destiny, I can almost sit back and relax, stop fighting for control. Cause I always had it...rambling again!!!!!!!!
Also, I stopped looking for 'trauma' in my life. The answer is much less complicated than that, I had developed ways of thinking that were unhealthy developed over time. It was helpful to recognise certain events and see them differently but you cant change the past. Its tough to relearn the basics and I fall at every hurdle but Im having fun! Im glad Ive been given the chance now and not later in my life. My boyfriend is glad too, cos Im learning things that benefit him. People are control freaks because they feel out of control. So, if he p*ssed me off, instead of telling him, I would make him feel bad and sulk. Tyical woman thing to do. This is because I felt out of control, had no faith in my ability to just talk about it, so you manipulate situations to get what you want. Just realising how stupid and ineffective this was made me realise. So now, its not that I feel 'in control' its more that I don't feel the need to manipulate to get what I want. So my confidence is better. I have person 3 to thank for this little enlightenment.
Kind of gone off on one here, sorry, just thought some people may relate and it might help them.