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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Its been a little while since ive made a post, yet i seem to have accumulated the most amount of posts on this website? Maybe i spend too much time on this website, but than again if I technically broke down how many hours a day im here, it would pale in comparison to the time i am not on this website. I think for the most part ive managed to get past the " what does this symptom mean?" phase or the " am i going insane phase??".

I still after all of this time do not fully understand what has happened to me and what is currently happening to me. I feel like I am trying to piece my life together somehow but things aren't working out. I actually think its quite pathetic that this site and maybe within my music are the only two outlets where i can really exercise my intellect. Outside of those two things i feel like I just conform to whatever my particular environment may be, whether its school or in a social setting etc. I guess I am doing some positive things with my life such as going to school, working( just got a new job) but still i feel trapped. I feel like i will never be able to fully be myself no matter what.

Last night kind of brought these feelings on stronger. As ive said numerous times, mostly all of my close friends are away at college or have moved. But just recently an old friend, who ive known forever has sort of popped back into my life. I consider him a good friend, but to be completely honest he is a negative person in terms of life and how he feels. I know many of you here might not be able to relate to my current situation, but i feel like I have to get these feelings off of my chest, although i did tell my therapist, who basically ended up telling me that " i am going on the right road and trying to better myself" and that i am " mature and wise for my age unlike alot of my peers" etc etc.

Anyways last night was a pretty crazy night, at least in my eyes, i won't get into all the details, but at about 1:30 am, myself and my friend, were sitting in this empty parking lot waiting for this kid that i know to come by with some marijuana, because my friend wanted to buy some. As we are sitting there in the car, im thinking to myself, " what the fuck am i doing?? why am i doing this?? i don't even smoke anymore, why am i rebirthing these negative aspects in my life that got me into this mental mess in the first place?" The only answer i can come up with is that, im lonely and often bored with my life. Not alot of friends around, no girlfriend, So the one friend that is around, that im close to im gonna latch onto just to feel like im doing something.

This friend is currently on probation & last night we were talking about it and he was like " If i mess up one more time im gonna get locked up for 6 months but i don't give a fuck" and i was thinking to myself " how can you not give a fuck? why would you NOT care about going to jail??" But i realize people are products of their environment, and when you live & have grown up in a negative environment that is how you are going to turn out.

I just feel like i don't know what i am doing, im so confused about LIFE in general. Im definietly not happy and i want so much to be happy, but happiness seems so out of reach right now. Is taking Paxil going to make me happy? I have lots of doubts about that. I feel like I am going to get involved in the same negative spiral i was in before but this time maybe the consequences will be something worse than panic attacks and DR.

When i say i am so sick of this, and not just anxiety/DR/DP/Depression, i MEAN i am soooooo sick of it.

I dunno if ANYONE on this board can relate to my situation and i hate sounding like a whiney little bitch, but this shit is eating me up on the inside. I just don't know anymore, i don't know what has happened, ive lost my grip on myself and here i am a miserable, depressed, DR'd 19 year old.

I know this post will mean nothing to most of you, but i just needed some outlet to disperse these feelings.

Peace
:roll:
 

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SB- I KNOW WHERE U R BEEN SO SICK OF IT, AND NOT THE SYMPOMS U R SUFFERING, I HAVE BEEN THROUGH THAT STAGE BEFORE I FOUND THIS FORUM....

...MY MUM HAD TO TRY TO TALK TO ME, SHE POINTED OUT NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THE FUTURE HOLDS, SHE HAS BEEN HERE HERSELF AND IS NOW CONTENT WITH HER LIFE. THINK AS LIFE AS A BOOK, THIS IS JUST ONE CHAPTER IN IT AND ONE DAY IT WILL CLOSE AND A BETTER CHAPTER WILL BEGIN....

.....I AM SURE THE PAXIL WILL HELP, BUT WE ALL NEED TO HELP OURSELVES, THE MEDS HELP WITH THE SYMPTOMS, WE OURSELVES NEED TO RESOLVE OUR OWN ISSUES NO MATTER WHAT THEY ARE.....

....I DONT KNOW WHAT MINE ARE YET, BUT WHEN I DO, I WILL KICK THERE ARSE FOR MAKING THIS PART OF MY LIFE SO CRAP.....

.....HANG IN THERE SB, AND AS FOR YOUR FRIEND, PEOPLE ARE PEOPLE AND WE ALL MAKE OUR OWN DECISIONS AND IF HIS FINE WITH THE IDEA OF GOING BACK TO PRISON THATS HIS LOOK OUT, JUST MAKE SURE U LOOK OUT FOR NUMBER ONE AND DONT LET HIM PULL U BACK DOWN THE WRONG ROAD......NOT THAT I THINK HE WOULD,OR YOU WOULD LET HIM, U APPEAR REALLY STRONG FOR SOMEONE SO YOUNG....

.....SORRY ABOUT THE RAMBLE.....HOPE SOME OF IT MAKES SENSE....
 

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I have been in the exact same situation, and have had to say good-bye to some REALLY close friends. There are two types of people in this world. Those who know, and those who don't. Unfortunatly it sounds like your friend doesn't. Good-luck man.
 
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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
thanks for the reply Dream

It seems like the chapters in my life never end how i want, but thats life i guess.
 
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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
Bro, I wish you and me could go out on the town for just one night. Couple of good lookin' fellas like us - we'd tear it up :)
We'd need to find a mother and daughter pair.......but it could happen. Then we could argue over who gets which.

You are at a point in life that is confusing. It just is. Apart from DP/depression, etc. - it is a confusing time in anyone's life. The friend you mention? Case in point.
If I have any suggestion to make, it would be to surround yourself with positive people. Positive energy. Also, try to believe that you are right.....there. Lots and lots of exciting stuff is just waiting to happen for you. Right NOW. It can be the best of times, or it can be the worst of time (to sort of quote Dickens). The choice is largely yours.

Yes, you got screwed somewhat by getting the DP/DR crap. But, but, but you have much control over your destiny right now. Because of your age, because of where you are in life - you can set off in any direction you choose. It is your decision to make. If you choose indecision.....things will happen to you anyway, but will give up control.

Assignment for you (and you WILL be graded): the very next woman you see that peeks your interest - say something to her. I might suggest something like........hi, how are you....something along those lines, but you can come up with whatever you like. Depending on her situation, the setting, etc., odds are probably 80/20 she'll ignore you or at best give you a perfunctory hi back. But - and this is the best part: she is not the only one. The only woman. Right after her there will be another. Do the same thing. You've got numbers in your favor here Bro. I can just about garauntee that if you just out of the blue talk to 20 women today, you will have a date for tonight. And yes, you will have 19 rejections :) Consider those practice.

I give you this assignment because THAT is one thing definitely missing in your life right now. A love interest. You could get lucky and have one just fall out of the sky for you, but most of us have to go out and put a bit of effort into it. Maybe you are shy. Lack self confidence. If so, that puts you in the same group most people your age are in. My suggestion there - act as if. Act as if you have all the self-confidence in the world. Doesn't take long for something like that to become habit.

Dude - your 19 years old. Believe it or not, there are a whole bunch of people who wish they could say that. Yes, bad stuff has happened to you (and I am not trying to belittle that. Cause I can understand at least some of what you're going through). Trust me, lots more bad stuff is ahead. That's life. Life, where all the GOOD stuff happens too.
Spend time with happy people, talk to women at every opportunity...........and just see what happens.
 
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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
SC, i think if we were to go out on the town lookin for females, we'd attract many, but once they got to talking to us they'd run away scared..... lol

Your right though i need more female influence in my life. I got friends who are girls, but no girlfriend.

I'll try to do your " homework" assignment, my friend actually kind of told me to do the same thing and i promised i would. And i don't wanna let both of you down so i will try.

Thanks for the reply, i appreciate it & it makes alot of sense.
 
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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
So last night i went out again and basically did the same exact thing. Only this time i was with a friend of my friend who i didn't know. We basically drove around all night while they looked for weed, i was in about 4 different project buildings. Drugs, guns, hood rats ( sluts basically) was what my night consisted of, and i am not lieing one bit. Its like i don't know if its better that i stay home and feel depressed,or go out and feel depressed? I can't smoke or drink, i really don't like messin around with those type of girls that i mentioned. Ughhhhh what am i doing?!?!? Life is so fuckin crazy & weird and i just don't understand whats happening.

Oh and i remember on the old board i had said " minorities don't have mental issues because they have other shit to worry about" and Dreamer proved me wrong. Well last night i found out she was right and was pretty surprised. My friend & this other kid we were with were getting high and he was talking about these pills he has to take ( this other kid) and i was like what are they called, and he was like Zyprexa and i was like " damn thats an anti psychotic" and he was like " yeah thats what i am" i was like " wtf??" this kid got me hangin around with a Schizo???????? He really didn't act like it at all though. He acted pretty regular to me but maybe thats cuz hes on those meds???

i dunno, sorry if this post seems pretty worthless, but this is a very strange time for me.
 

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Hi Soul

I can relate a little bit to your situation. From about 15 - 19 I was involved with people who weren't entirely wholesome characters. As a well-educated, well-spoken private school kid (don't know if its the same in the US, basically, my parents paid a fortune for my education from age 4)I had surrounded myself with drug dealers, petty criminals, some not so petty, single teen mothers, alcoholics and some outright dangerous people, two of which are in prison for extremely serious crimes, the rest in and out of prison. One boyfriend was an alcoholic who from what I can gather, fathered two children whilst with me, another a drug dealer/alcoholic. I do not regret these times, however, as I have learnt from them. They do not affect me today, as I mainly stayed out of serious trouble myself and I learnt from mistakes I made, and the decisions I make in life are better informed from these years, especially having seen a different side the essentially very privileged life that I had become accustomed to. That is not to say that I am not very sorry for the heartache I caused my parents and I sit and talk with my friend and we just say 'Why? Why did we put ourselves in such a position when we could have been sat at home in comfort and safety?' We feel shame and guilt towards ourselves and our families.

My life could have been very different had I not left the situation when I did. I was lucky to have not been dragged down to. I don't really know why I got into the situation, but given the chance, I would probably do it all again. I think it was distraction from something, though at the time I didn't know what. I was running from myself. But now it's a part of me and you have to take the positives out of life, learn from everything, even dp, and you can come out a better person.

That classic 'feeling special' symptom a lot of us has was a saving grace. I knew I was 'destined' for better things, which kept me from going down the wrong path. Also, I believe everyone on this site is special, because we all have a sense of emotional intelligence and self awareness that others don't have, use it Soulbro, to make the right decisions. Keep out of trouble, tread water in this mess and work at being you, you seem really intelligent and I think you know you deserve more than this.

:wink:
 

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hi soul

'lie down with dogs and you get up with fleas'. i've done it too many times. you're 19. fantastic. what do you want to do?
you're into music? spend your time trying to get something off the ground in that direction. dont waste your time with people you dont want to be with, doing things you don't want to join in with. they're not going to change so do your own thing.
travel around a bit
 
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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
G Funk thanks for the response i can definietly relate to your past situation. In my environment, you have to be at least appear to be tough, and when i say tough i don't nessicerily ( spelling?) mean tough as in beat someone up, i mean tough as in you can't show signs of weakness. Ive always covered up my weaknesses and swollowed my pride and just kept it moving, this probably wasn't the best thing to do. My friend, i see him and i want to help him, its always been in my nature to help people, and i think thats another reason i don't stay away from him. But its hard to get through to people especially when everyone else in their life brings negativity. I mean check this out, he has a girlfriend living at his house, he also has another girl pregnant, ANOTHER girlfriend, and than theres girls he just has sex with. How crazy is that? Im sayin to myself, i could never handle all of that. That also goes to show you his take on girls, just like many others i know. Im not really like that. I don't want to see him fuck up and go to jail for 6 months, but its hard to help someone else when you have trouble helping yourself.

PDR, where can i travel to? for now im stuck here where i am, in the future i will probably leave here but for now this is where i have to be.

This is my current situation, and it goes beyond DP/DR, i really don't even care about that anymore. I mean i care about it, but if I sit and constantly think about it, that isn't going to benefit me in anyway, but of course their is other shit i have to deal with aside from my own damn mental issues.

I have to figure myself out
 
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