Joined
·
180 Posts
Ever since my breakdown almost a year ago, I have been through so many things. Scary things, confusing things, nonsensical things, things I can't explain. They all appear to be on a linear timeline with who I am now, but somehow I don't feel anything towards those things. I feel I should be scared of what's happened, or reflecting on it, or feeling the relief that some of these awful things are no longer happening. And yet I don't feel any of these things.
Is it the drugs I'm taking suppressing this? Possibly. But that means I'm not in control, and never have been. This leads me to the now. The people I recognise are interacting with me, like nothing has happened, like I'm just a normal person. Yes I am doing more 'normal' things, but here's the crux of that: it's not me! I'm watching, watching, watching this mind say things, this body do things...But if I were in control, I'd be screaming as loud as possible that I want to escape, that I'm feeling this way, that I don't know who I am and what I'm doing.
Yet I'm watching myself order a coffee, like I believe I'm in the real world. I talk about science and nature like I believe in everything it is telling me. When really I don't believe theses things and have no control over what I'm doing. I want to go and say this to someone I know right now, but I don't think that's physically possible! I am just a voyeur on this life and cannot control it. I want to say more to people, but the things in which I'm thinking have no physical words to attribute to them. I feel so trapped, it's almost like being locked in. But I'm not locked in, in the sense that I can't move anything in a completely still vessel. I'm locked in to a vessel that is walking and talking and breathing and doing normal things.
I don't want to do the normal things. I want to stop, be taken on whatever journey I need to go on, and regain control.
Please read and post if you know what I'm talking about. I'm so very lost, though nobody would know.
Is it the drugs I'm taking suppressing this? Possibly. But that means I'm not in control, and never have been. This leads me to the now. The people I recognise are interacting with me, like nothing has happened, like I'm just a normal person. Yes I am doing more 'normal' things, but here's the crux of that: it's not me! I'm watching, watching, watching this mind say things, this body do things...But if I were in control, I'd be screaming as loud as possible that I want to escape, that I'm feeling this way, that I don't know who I am and what I'm doing.
Yet I'm watching myself order a coffee, like I believe I'm in the real world. I talk about science and nature like I believe in everything it is telling me. When really I don't believe theses things and have no control over what I'm doing. I want to go and say this to someone I know right now, but I don't think that's physically possible! I am just a voyeur on this life and cannot control it. I want to say more to people, but the things in which I'm thinking have no physical words to attribute to them. I feel so trapped, it's almost like being locked in. But I'm not locked in, in the sense that I can't move anything in a completely still vessel. I'm locked in to a vessel that is walking and talking and breathing and doing normal things.
I don't want to do the normal things. I want to stop, be taken on whatever journey I need to go on, and regain control.
Please read and post if you know what I'm talking about. I'm so very lost, though nobody would know.
