Want to know I'm Improving!

Tonight I got put in a situation that normally just the 'thought' of it puts me in anxiety. I was coming across a bridge everybody travelling pretty fast and I changed lanes to get to my on-ramp and suddenly saw cars backed up so I changed lanes again to just jump off the highway at the next exit.

Suddenly a cop jumped in front of my path, good thing I didn't hit him, but he shouted STOP!! So I locked up the brakes and the SUV behind me almost rear-ended me and on and on was the traffic behind her, four lanes worth of cars having to stop suddenly.

I put the car in park and left it running and started to look around at all the cops and firefighters and EMT's walking around with flashlights, looking on the ground looking up at the overpass above, i the weeds and then they put flares across 4 lanes and kept on looking for whatever they were looking for.

One of my worst nightmares and places I have horrible DP is in stopped traffic. I rarely use the highway but went ahead tonight and now here i was for God knows why sitting still, and don't know how long this is liable to go on for.

I took my last Klonopin of the day, about 3 hours early! Then I just put a classical radio station on and tried to get curious about this mystery instead of go into a panic attack. I kept on breathing and looking around, then I'd close my eyes. Finally they removed the flares, and ina minute waved us all to move on. I sit here now and think I can't believe i didn't freak more.

I tell myself I made it without a full blown attack b/cuz I was the first car stopped in my lane and had lots of space in front of me, no cars at all in front of me in fact. I wasn't "trapped" in that sense.

I did have a couple times I thought of telling a cop I have to go I have DP and anxiety!!! I thought of pulling to the shoulder and walking, but I didn't think they'd let me by. I didn't even care in that moment that my car would be really far from where i live even if I walked all the way home!

I still don't know what happened. It seemed there was something--a wreck on my on-ramp and someone ran or someone was thrown, or someone who ran also dropped things or threw things out of their pockets. These cops and fire fighters and EMTS were looking HARD for something. It takes something big to shut down 4 lanes of traffic on I-75 coming from KY bridge into Cincinnati.

I guess my point is I would like to think I made it thru in one piece mentally b/cuz I am getting better, or even b/cuz the meds are helping, but after all I took the risk of going across the river tonight to get my ciggs cheaper in Kentucky and just getting on the freeway is a big deal for me..so I *am* forcing myself more outward. Meds make it possible or easier how ever u wanna look at it.

But then I think NO you just "barely" survived that sitting and waiting and being stuck, maybe b/cuz no cars in front had you trapped. Or "Yeah but if you had to sit there for much longer tonight you woulda"...(insert fear of worse case scenario here---mine is losing control and running around scared and no where is safe and no where to hide feelings, ie; PANIC).

I dont know why I did better..could be all these things. I just want someday to KNOW I can handle my symptoms or have none at all, and not feel like I am just "survivng" and not have that "Oh there was another "almost" lost my mind THAT time situation. God I am sick of this stuff. I know the answer is keep on trying and I will. I just had to write this down tonight. Thx 4 listening.
--Jake