[jake]

Noise is too much, but quiet is maddening, people are too much but loneliness is swallowing me whole. I can't talk to my dogs, they look weird to me. Besides they need attention and don't realize their owner is nuts, terror stricken and not fit to live. Their needs are few but I keep thinking where I can put them or take them to when I finally go under. No one is near or can help me. My life is a goddam desert. It's my fault. I can't say anything outloud, my own voice is too much. Besides I sound strange. I am a freak. Days keep going by and I pretend each day it will be different today. But I clear my throat or cough and the noise startles me. I must be quiet. I have to walk on eggshells. All is fragile danger and madness. I am awkward in my movements; too uptight to take a shower, afraid to relax, afraid to get overwhelmed more. I mechanically do what needs to be done eventually, while I feel dizzy, watch myself walk across the room and do whatever it may be. And I think this is hell and why do I do it to myself if it is not an outside force. I'm going to say it here over and over because I won't say it outloud. I wish I was dead, I wish I was gone, I wish I had good reasons to explain why, and then deep down somewhere I get a rush of something that happened years ago and my head spins. I wish I could cry. Get mad, express it, rage, be loud, grieve, oh for Christ's sakes just anything! Be real. FUK THIS SH*T!!!!

 

[jake]

I'm not going to do myself in just so nobody worries. I just think I suck right now. Any replies welcome.

 

[LOSTONE]

We all suck!

 

[Da'Burgh]

We don't suck. DP sucks.

 

[LOSTONE]

About 1 year ago my brother said under his breath to me that I suck ass.
That comment has been in my head evey day. Yes I suck ass. And I can't do a dam thing about it.

My heart goes out to you Jake.

 

[jake]

Thanks fellas, somehow I don't think you suck at all. Good thing we all aren't feelin it as big at the same time, Big brother hugs to you both, Thank God for the web that I also mostly think sucks!

 

[Sojourner]

You want to cry? Listen to this CD, but in particular, the Adagio for Strings, Op. 11:

http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/de ... 9?v=glance

Turn the lights out and play it loudly enough so that it really enters your being and speaks to you.

There is nothing like great classical music to touch the soul. Nothing does it as well.

 

[rainboteers]

Jake,
All I can say is I relate so well to what you wrote, but sometimes I do get so angry at myself I bury me head in the pillow and scream until I can't scream anymore. I cry my eyes out at times, but still I feel unreal, strange, not connected to myself, or anyone around me.

In the moment the screaming and crying works, I am more connected when I do it, but be warned, I go right back to sqaure one soon after. So getting out all those strong emotions may be good, but it is only soothing for a few hours....

Hope you start feeling better soon, I am right there with you, and it is no place to be.

 

[whiterabbit]

I am like rainboteers, I get very frustrated with it and cry a lot about the state, and that is some engagement with something, but it doesn't really relieve the sensation of being disconnected. I have often wanted to die because I don't want to be like this and tried to do myself in many times, I think these thoughts now all the time too, but somehow we have to be strong and find a way through.....mine will go of its own accord but it can take a very long time......keep strong Jake, keep venting

 

[person3]

jake, I like you! so I hope you get better.

I don't know why, but I just find you really cool. I think part of it is because I don't know anyone named "jake." So that is definitely a plus. But also I enjoy reading your posts and stuff so just know that. Later.

 

[Sojourner]

It's not crying about the "state" that will help but crying about what is really bothering you -- the buried feelings that are too terrible to experience and that your state "protects" you from.

Some protection, eh?