[bbsan]

I DESPARATELY want to wake up... but at least now I know I'm not alone. I'm only 17 years old and I've had this DREAMWORLD since I was 12. The sad thing is IT NEVER GOES AWAY. My nickname is a nun: I've never taken drugs in my life and don't like the taste of alcohol. I dont know the cause of this. Recently I couldn't take it anymore and went to the doctor, misdiagnosed with depression. Things got messed up and eventually I just couldnt go to the doctor anymore. Anti-depressants (zoloft etc) can be used to cure this and I NEED to be cured, just like everyone else.

I WANT TO FINALLY LIVE MY LIFE!!!

But my mom says that these drugs increse suicide and stuff and banned that I ever start. I understand her protection for me but she lacks empathy in how this feels.

nobody but me knows that this is what I have, I just realized it last week. The doctors still think its depression and Im afraid of telling anyone. My friends didn't believe me when I said it was depression, and made me feel more depressed. Now I dont trust them for medical issues and it makes me feel like Im insane.

Thank you for being the ones I can talk to about this. I thought I was all alone.

Help me out here. What do I do?

BTW do you guys lack personality too? I feel like I lost my personality. I miss it. I miss me. Now I sort of become the personality of the person/family in their environment, although Im never awake. Do you guys get that too?

Thx

 

[Guest_]

.

 

[bbsan]

I don't know how I got this. I remember one time about 6 years ago when I was being hurt and I remember thinking

"how would you like it if the bad was not so bad, but the good is also not as good"

and I thought back "as long as I don't have to feel so much pain it might be fine" I took it back after. Now I sort of make gambles with myself all the time "If you do this it'll go away, but if you don't it wont". I can't concentrate on school work, even when I write tests. I never used to be this way.

I've found that going at fast speeds on my bike makes me snap out of this dream for a second and feel completely exstatic, then it goes away. It never lasts more than a minute... just one minute! Sometimes I just stumble through days without paying attention to what I'm doing.[/i]

 

[Guest]

wow. reading what you wrote is deja vu to me BIG TIME!!!! i was the same age as you when i (sort of) realized that this was happening. i told my friends and they thought i was crazy or making it up.. i couldnt talk to my family (later i found them to be part of the root of the problem) i went to doctors and became a guinea pig for some jerk of a doctor who always ended my visit with the words "well it looks like we need to up your dosage." They gave me lithium, effexor, prozac, wellbutrin, and a bunch of other crap i cant spell or even pronounce, sometimes together! and lo and behold i didnt do a damn thing but make the fogginess worse. So i started reading every book i could find that would somehow explain the way i feel. i realized that it wasnt a chemical imbalance causing this and couldnt be fixed by any drug. (this is my experience not saying that other people dont have that on top of depersonalisation) In fact, traumatic things that happened in my childhood were the cause of how i was feeling (or not feeling ) and caused me to be in this constant state of "unawareness". i felt like a damn walking zombie. The only difference between you and i is that i didnt have the sense of awareness that you do. What i mean is that you, at 17, are already taking steps to figure it out and move forward. Thats HUGE. i really had no idea about what was actually going on in my head (since i was so numb and plus i was still in my traumatic environment) until i was around 24. so i envy you. You will be able to put alot of this behind you at an early age and move on with your life...

p.s. i couldnt help but to be a little troubled by this comment ..

I don't know how I got this. I remember one time about 6 years ago when I was being hurt and I remember thinking

"was being hurt " sounds pretty bad.. hope im not projecting..

talk to you later, justin

 

[lies]

heyhey

welcome here,

glad to hear your story,
my mistake is the same (i think)
what if the bad isn't that bad at all
quit easy to do
unfortunatly the good isn't so good anymore too...

good luck

xxx
lies

 

[bbsan]

thx guys, Im feeling a little better already. And becaue of discovering what this finally is, Im not as zombie-ish as before. Don't envy me yet, I'm still not even close to awake, but a little bit of relief and letting it all out makes it better.

I guess I'll see you both around. Glad to hear all your stories, keep them coming. It might be a help to wake up!

Brandy

 

[lies]

i know what you mean
it becomes a bit more bearable
maybe also because you get used to living like this?
it's only a few weeks that i'm having it again
but it's allready so hard to remember how it was before
so still horible to live like this, but i can't really be sad about
it anymore, cause i don't know any better.....
many luck!!!

xxx
lies

 

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