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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Ok.. this is the fanagled tale of a magical electrical current running inside my head.

I've always kinda felt detached from things.. like as long as i can remember. I had a very troubled child hood from day one.. i was kinda passed like so much dead weight to multiple foster homes till I was 12.. i never really gained a sense of identity in that time, in fact.. i never really had much to identify with. I always felt like i was outside of the realm of whereever i was. It never really bothered me either.. i was perfectly content being alone and inside of myself. I never really even gave it a second thought till things began to stabilize in my life. Yeah.. thats when things started getting messed up. I started to realize that i was much different than other children in certain regards. It seemed they all lacked depth. It was odd.

Theres always been this lingering sadness in me since my mother died. She died when i was only 3 and a half in a mental institution in Jacksonville Flordia nearly a continent away from our home. Really fscked me up actually. Having to experience that made me think a lot in my lonesome. Really made me think about the meaning of things.. think about the nature of the world that surrounded me. In late hour i realized that i was possessed by this beast which is "analysis." My thoughts and analysis carried me through many dark hallways in my youth and provided me with the insight required to be able to make determinations based on an amoral slate of etched understandings. It was through this mechanical functioning that i managed to forgive and even begin to understand the things in my life that i had experienced. It gave me a whole picture to glance at from time to time, albeit a sad one.

I evolved in the society i was thrown upon and used emulation and faux comments to maintain myself. I've had piles of girlfriends (not in the dahmer sense, in the Rico Suave sense) and I always have had friends but none of it ever seemed real. In fact, nothing seemed real.. not my new parents.. not my new room.. not my new friends.. not my anything. I think i was about 12 when i started realizing that i was very much so a distinct and lonely person. I used this to my advantage and thought of ways to play into the system.. ways to win the "game" as i saw it. So i myself molded myself into becomming what i needed to become in order to survive in the game. I mean, it seemed that all my observations and analysis gave me the distinct upper hand. But i had already figured out by then that none of it mattered and it was all just this stupid game played by these stupid people to feel good in a way i knew i would never be capable of feeling. So i won the game by playing and verified my assumptions and thusly opted out of the system for bigger pursuits.. ooh the world of computers.

Computers only furthered the problem i learned later on. I loved them becasue they are almost infinate in depth. You can get lost working on a computer... oh man.. writing code. Fuck yeah.. its like whoa.. expecially in vim with the syntax editing on.. oh man.. its like painting but yes.. it gave me something to placate the problem with (im still not sure its a problem really). Well.. if you have a creature that grows when you feed it skittles.. and your goal is to eliminate the creature.. you dont go about doing so by feeding it barrels of skittles, instead you starve it.. and it hopefully dissapears, or becomes managable.. whatever. Well i fed the monster damn truckfulls of skittles preverbially speaking. Computers == Skittles. Why else would i ever have felt the need to learn what a syscall is. Lucky for me the skittle beast now pays the bills and the likes.. but still, it furthered the problem. So yeah.. in the end i became more introverted and ended up getting deeper and deeper from who i never was. Odd yes?

So who am I then? Well, its been so long that up untill about 6months ago.. i just thought i was some brain damaged mutant with logical ability. I hadn't heard of depersonalization let alone even tried to coin what was going on with me. I just accepted my fate and mustered on, trying not to kill myself. That kinda thing. Well yeah.. i was talking to this math major about things, and realized that he was often similar in his spontaneity and detachment. He also was very fearful of things in the same manner that i am... and very controlled by rationale even to the point of accepting irrationale just to maintain rationale. Haha.. its silly.. but SIMILAR. So i ended up talking to him about if he had any sort of mental deficiency and from there yeah.. he told me the word "depersonalization" and it all kinda just made sense. I read up on it on depersonalization.info and finally felt akin. Like there was some race of mole people i hadn't known about for all my adult/childhood/indistinguishable life.

DAMN MOLE PEOPLE

but yeah.. basically im like this thing in my head

i can see outside of my head
i can see and control my body
i can also place my body into an autopilot of sorts
everything to me is outside myself
i do not relate well to most other people unless they primarily use rationale to make decisions.
i fear becomming muddled.
i fear death.
i fear the truth.. which i know, but keep shelved as to not become insane with fear.
im anxious all the time
any situation that i dont know the outcome to becomes processed for stastical observation so as to be able to determine whether or not i should commit myself to said situation.
I also have the voice to override anything the analysis proves.
I dont think im insane.
Ive never done anything insane.
I still feel worn thin. :(

There are some other things that i go through that other people describe, but they feel benign.. like the sensitivity to lights and the anxiety. I mean, i get really bad anxiety all the time but i just muscle through it using myself.. It does't go away, but when you understand it.. it becomes something you can mitigate. I can mitigate almost everything.. so when the snake eats its own tail... the problem with infinity ceases. Self-regulating systems are neat.

If you're like me, talk to me.. perhaps we could share a life or two. h0ho.

eDfGr33n
"i dont even know if that constitutes a story really.. argh.. analysis.. arggh.. must fight the beast."
 
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Discussion Starter · #2 ·
Sorry you're having this awful symptom - I do know how it feels....

just wanted to chime in and say your story is remarkably clever ("piles of girlfriends/not in the Dahmer way...") and your mind is impressively witty. You can eliminate schizophrenia from your list of potential mental horrors - VERY very alert mind (despite the pain of detachment you live with).

Thoroughly enjoyed reading your tale. And hope our board can offer some comfort and insights to you.

Janine
 
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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
It already has.. its nice to know your not alone in the world. We should all start a commune. pbbt.

eDfGr33n
"no really, we should.. "
 
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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
You can get lost working on a computer... oh man.. writing code. f--- yeah.. its like whoa.. expecially in vim with the syntax editing on.. oh man.. its like painting but yes.
Haha, i think you are crazy. As a CS major in the past, I cannot understand these superhuman types who actually enojoy and have the patience for this shit.
 
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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
I just like to get lost in things. :) You can lose yourself when writing code. Its some kinda magic cave you can crawl in and build a world. Like a fsckin magic cave full of legos and whatnot. It just kinda feels like your painting a picture with logic. I dig it.

eDfGr33n
"say what now?"
 

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Sounds like you "dig" dissociation. When you "get lost" in something, you're being dissociated. :D That may be what led to this. Plus the things in your story helped I'm sure.
 

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Ohh, this is awesome. I relate!

Well, I've always felt detached from things too as far as I've noticed, since the past few years. And in my opinion, I never really suffered anything too great, and always had a strong sense of self. I also always thought the detachment was a good thing. I wanted to be detached, because I consciouslly didn't fully believe in what was going on anyway, and I was actually always happy being that way until recently. I never had a problem with it. Like you mentioned, everything is just a game to me. Even intimate relationships (bf/gf type deals), people interacting I feel is a game, society being another game. Even entertainment is a game - movies? Just these people acting, even that seems unreal to me. The whole world we live in is built on the product of our ideas, yet we participate in it without awareness of what's going on half the time.

Next thing, well, I love computers. Computers have always == skittles for me as well. I love web/graphic design and even learning the occasional coding (but I'm by no means a coding freak - I'm more of an artsy type).

Due to the way I feel I have always been and my beliefs, I have always rather detached myself and stayed on my computer, going into my own little world. That I never had a problem with either, until I must have gone off the deep end with my constant meditation. Being detached for me and having DP/DR-like symptoms was never anything - I always thought it was a sign of higher awareness, but then I started getting anxious about it and that ruined the whole thing.

But, I have also noticed I am prone to anxiety anyway, and I also am very prone to self-analyzing, and reflection upon my own self. I've always seen my life's purpose as figuring out the world and myself, as I found nothing more fulfilling and interesting. Personally I don't think anything is wrong with that, but somehow my anxiety was triggered and now I feel the truths that I know make me insane with fear and I am constantly anxious. Very strange indeed. I really feel it's just that my little brain cannot handle what was going on with me at a point of intense introspection into identity and spiritual pursuits.

Everything is so confusing to me - due to the very fact that I see everything as a game, yet I am simultaneously involved in it. With meditation it was like i was trying to get to a state of being where I learned to come out of living in my thoughts, yet I'm simultaneously involved in thoughts. It's the same sort of thing that's a problem for me. Seeing things as unreal or sort of fake in a way, yet being simultaneously involved in them.
 
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