Yesterday wasn't bad, chilled around the house because I was sick, some minor things but nothing worth mentioning.
Today was wack though so let's talk about that. Things were fine until I was writing a paper and my mind started mindfucking me. I finished writing it and had to proof read, even before DP-DR I was having problems with anxiety and reading. I would be reading, get a thought or something that would cause me to miss a line, go back, reread it, feel anxious for rereading it, then I'd get thoughts of "you shouldn't have reread that line" and it goes into a stupid cycle which would cause me to feel anxious when reading and eventually I'd hit a line and get a thought which would hault my focus and cause me to stop. It was like a mindblock and id stop, then feel bad for stopping, etc. The only way to make it all go away was to bulldoze it and just keep reading no matter how anxious I felt. It's retarded.
Well earlier tonight when rereading things were fine until I would get thoughts of how much information I was retaining, how DP-DR has affected my quickness of thought, etc which was causing me to miss words. Then I'd be like "you're doing it, not thinking" but that itself is a thought and I missed more words and then it turned into spiking my anxiety which is the original cycle causing me to get mindblocked and hault my reading aka stopping me from doing my work. I feel it was much more exascerbated though because of DP-DR and the fact that my mind is on overdrive, my anxiety is up, etc. God it's fucking annoying. Now my eyes have that anxious numbing feeling that I despise.
My mind is just really messed up, I feel like my thoughts were just thrown around and I'm trying to reorganize everything. For example, I find my mind doing things it shouldn't be a lot so I stop it. But sometimes I'll be doing something and stop my mind from doing it and sometimes it's normal. It's insane, how can you think if something is normal or not by not thinking about it?
Anyways, I can't control my situation of altered perception, mind being racey, etc but I can limit my mistakes and tonight was just a huge mistake. It is disheartening but you learn from your mistakes and you can't beat yourself up over it.
The fact is when I read I get the hyperactive thoughts that affect my reading (my focus, how much information I retain, etc) and I can't control that -- but thinking even more is only going to make it worse and that's what I was doing. Trying to understand things in-depth, comphrehend thought processes, etc is a losing game for somebody with anxiety, OCD, etc, you can't win because you can go in-depth for infinity.
So yeah, what I should have done tonight. If I missed something critical, reread it and block the intrusive thoughts. Don't think about anxiety, what happened, why something is happening/how its happening, bulldoze the thoughts, that's what will make it worse. And when those "mindblock" feelings of anxiety, etc come keep fucking reading because that's how you make it go away.
It was a weak moment for me tonight as I love reading and hate succumbing to these insane mind games but I am not concerned. It's a new week in an hour and I know my capability.
This cocktail of aggravation is soon to come to an end. Hard work and patience = bye bye bullshit