I am very scared at the moment. I have been in dp/dr now for 9 weeks. My worst one was for three years and i did not leave the lounge room unless my mum was home. I thought i had gotten on top of this and was doing well. Now it feels like im being dragged back into hell and theres nothing i can do. I am clawing desperatly to stay in controll but all im doing is making my fingers bleed.I have never been this severe. Im scared ill go to sleep and wake up and i won't be me anymore. I will have lost myself. I look at my room with all the things i have in there that i once felt represented me, that i once felt were part of me and now i look at them and wonder what is all this i have created. I have no connection to these things. its as if i am in a strangers room. And i panic. I look at my clothes and they are strangers clothes. And i panic. My dog barks and i know its my dog but i panic again as its too much. Too familiar and too alien all at once. Theres no where i can escape too. Nowhere i can hide. No comfort zone anymore. I know this is not how i would relate to my world when im healthy. I know i can be healthy again but i don't know how. I want my old world back desperatly but i know i can't go back to what it was as its what got me back in dp/dr again. I am ringing a therapist on monday, if i can just make it to monday without my brain imploding! I had been putting it off cause i cant speak at the moment, so how do i talk with someone for an hour. I am sad all the time. I cry all the time. I am angry at the littlest things and again it scares me. I am scared all the time.I want to feel safe in the world again. I want to connect with the world again. I want to connect with me again. I want to feel joy and I want to laugh again.