Depersonalization Support Forum banner
1 - 3 of 3 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
208 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I am very scared at the moment. I have been in dp/dr now for 9 weeks. My worst one was for three years and i did not leave the lounge room unless my mum was home. I thought i had gotten on top of this and was doing well. Now it feels like im being dragged back into hell and theres nothing i can do. I am clawing desperatly to stay in controll but all im doing is making my fingers bleed.I have never been this severe. Im scared ill go to sleep and wake up and i won't be me anymore. I will have lost myself. I look at my room with all the things i have in there that i once felt represented me, that i once felt were part of me and now i look at them and wonder what is all this i have created. I have no connection to these things. its as if i am in a strangers room. And i panic. I look at my clothes and they are strangers clothes. And i panic. My dog barks and i know its my dog but i panic again as its too much. Too familiar and too alien all at once. Theres no where i can escape too. Nowhere i can hide. No comfort zone anymore. I know this is not how i would relate to my world when im healthy. I know i can be healthy again but i don't know how. I want my old world back desperatly but i know i can't go back to what it was as its what got me back in dp/dr again. I am ringing a therapist on monday, if i can just make it to monday without my brain imploding! I had been putting it off cause i cant speak at the moment, so how do i talk with someone for an hour. I am sad all the time. I cry all the time. I am angry at the littlest things and again it scares me. I am scared all the time.I want to feel safe in the world again. I want to connect with the world again. I want to connect with me again. I want to feel joy and I want to laugh again. :(
 
G

·
Hi ShyTiger

I believe I know how you are feeling. I was once in a similar state. I am sure that many of the other posters can relate to the feelings you have described so well; the fear and depression and particularly the panic which comes with the feelings of "unreality".

Feeling that "unrealness" about oneself and the things and people within ones environment and the panic which that feeling can generate was by far the worst and most frightening aspect of my mental condition
when I was struggling through my "nervous breakdown" many years ago.

If it is any comfort to you, today I rarely experience the terrible fear from DP/DR that I once did. And I can remember being so afraid I would pray to feel depressed, for at least in feeling depressed I felt "real". I felt connected to life.

You say;

"I want to connect with me again."

I find that when I feel connected to the "me" inside I feel terribly sad. I can't seem to get past the sadness to the joy one might have had as a small child. It seems I feel either depressed and sad or else neutral and detached. Positive feelings of happiness often frighten me.

I really and truly do think that at least for me my DP/DR was, and is still when I experience it, associated with a sort of "primal depression" going back to early childhood and from which I feel I have pretty much "dissociated" myself from. I feel that I would probably have to go deep into the feeling of this dissociated depression in order to heal and I don't know that at my age (60) there would even be enough time left. And i could never afford to pay a therapist, even if I was lucky enough to find one competent to join me in this inner journey into healing.

BTW, My DP/DR was at its worst in my early twenties when it was 24/7 and ongoing for a number of years in varying degrees. Today it comes and goes and is usually brought on by certain circumstances. Often I can go days at a time without experienceing it. I do live an isolated lonely existence and perhaps this is the price I pay to avoid DP/DR. I have managed to have built a sense of self from the ashes of my nervous breakdown, but just barely, and it must be guarded through a fortress of avoidance. Otherwise the depression will set the wheel of DP/DR in motion once again.

Reading your post you sound sad and "depressed". Have you ever been treated for depression? Did you see a therapist in the past? Have you tried medication? Did it help you? Some people feel it helps them. I have been taking Xanax for many years and it has helped me a lot for anxiety but I don't think my anxiety is do to a brain chemistry imbalance but rather it is connected to an avoidance pattern and anxiety associated with a Personality Disorder as I mentioned in another post here recently.

When I was in the hospital years ago I was in a continuous panic state and like you I had concerns about going to sleep. I felt I had to conciously moment to moment hold together in my awareness a sense of being a self in existence. When I would wake up I would slip immediately into a panic attack and have to start the reconstruction of a self all over again. If I let it slip just for a moment I felt I would cease to exist, at least in a psychological sense, and i would feel sensations of falling through an endless emptiness like infinite space. In Object Relations Theory I have read these kind of fears referred to as "unspeakable anxieties" as they originated in the psyche do to some form of fear or trauma before we had begun using words to construct our thoughts. Therefore the fear has to do with certain bodily sensations rather than intellectual ideation. Janine Baker has often referred to these states as "annihilation fantasies". At least that is what I think she is referring to.

I wish I had some magic words to offer you ShyTiger to take away the fear. I found that forcing myself to do things like simply walking outside a few feet further everyday allowed me to slowly build up tolerance to the fear and before long some of the things I used to fear I was eventually able to overcome and in the process developed "ego strength" which allows me to generally feel "real and in existence" without conciously trying to construct a self on a moment to moment basis.

Best of luck to you

sincerely
John
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
208 Posts
Discussion Starter · #3 ·
Thankyou for your reply. I have seen a therapist in the past and depression was diagnosed but as a secondary condition. I have been offered many times to go on medication but it scares the hell out of me. I am considering it now but want to use it only as a last resort. My sister is currently on medication and it has made her worse. They just keep trying different doses and different meds and she is still worse. I am a little better today than when i posted. I am making sure i don't add to my dp/dr/panic by thinking of what if's on top of things-ie:What if i panic? What if i dp? What if i get so disorientated i can't find my way home? What if i lose my mind and am institutionalised? I am also not letting myself do the im going crazy, this is not right, there is something terribly wrong with me dance. I am just reminding myself that its dp, i know why i have it, this is what my body/mind does and i am not in danger. I am making sure i relax my body and slow down my breathing. My dp/dr is still there but i can function when i lower the panic response to it. Its working so far. When i connect to myself there is a sad part. I am looking forward to seeing a therapist and hopefully learning more about how to live and feel safe to connect to the parts of self and world. i will keep you updated. It is never too late to heal and learn. Even if you are 100. Thankyou again for replying. Its nice to know im not alone and there is hope.
ps. I actually laughed today.Havn't in so long. Was something here called are you a evil genious? it's funny how it can be something so simple as to make you laugh.
 
1 - 3 of 3 Posts
Top