[Amethysteyes]

I recently got to a point where the dpdr wasnt being completely understood by my family about how SERIOUSLY it was affecting my ability to function and because of how negative and slightly dysfunctional people are at home and because i got into a fight with my mother, i have been staying at my friends parents house for about a week now, who are nice and very calm, healthy people. First thing i noticed is that i AM in fact homesick because just because my familys very negative to be around, we still all love eachother alot. Its just too much to handle when im trying to better myself and live happier.
Problems ive run into is staying over here in such a hurry (since its my first attempt ever leaving home) its kinda a shock to my system so in some ways, my dpdr has returned and in other ways its going away. I dont get that unreal feeling as much now (tho it still creeps up if i think about it) My limbo state of self checking to see if im doing better has kinda diminished as im not that concerned by the dpdr anymore and dont care if its even there. I was still dealing with my existential fears and fear of death problems and still slightly am but only at night now which is a huge improvement, not to mention that all these existential things dont affect me as bad anymore. Sometimes it flares up but its only at night. Given this makes it very hard to sleep. Im up to early morning hours which is difficult as most everyone in this house are very punctual and get up earlier and are healthy people, meanwhile im sleeping in till 12pm and still want to sleep longer...
Ive noticed the only thing prevwnting me from fully recovery from dpdr is the fact that i continue to search for meaning in things that i cant answer. All these existential issues i think about i cant just put to rest or let go because its impacted my way of thinking so much, i continue and its stupid. Back when dpdr'ed, i feared my way of thinking had changed forever or that my perception would never return to normal. I cant confirm your perception returns to a normal state but like anything in recovery, its GRADUAL. As with the thoughts, they become less severe and less frequent. I still battle extreme anxiety and depression as well but its definently something i prefer over dpdr any day. I hope i and everyone else dealing with this, all consuming, blackhole of a disorder will reach full, 100% recovery soon! There is hope and you can feel normal again!

 

[Amethysteyes]

I also have this wierd thing where because of of that existential thing, i have a hard time feeling genuin emotion and feeling for things so when something good happens, it either feels meaningless OR too good to be true. This is something that i feel is going away tho the more i do things that make me "happy" i start feeling more genuin happiness. So if anyones got this problem too, i like to say its possible to feel better!

 

[songflower]

Hi!
It is interesting to read your posts, and gives a lot of hope.
I think I start to understand this when people say that recovery is a process. There ARE some glimpses of hope in this ocean of despair. I also agree with you that stress makes this state worse. Just today I had quite a stressful talk with my father, which made me doubt if I made any progress at all? That proves DPDR is only a reaction to stress. Incredibly scary and surreal though. When there are moments of relief you start to question yourself "am I ok?!" And it goes back. But at least there ARE such moments.
And about emotions, I also think it is a process. Today I went for a walk and felt happy about good weather and people chatting happiy on a bench. I was like WOW, I felt happiness?!
As I see it now, our mind hides in this dp/dr shell for a looong time, and can't believe trauma is gone, ae it got used to being afraid and unhappy and all the anxiety. And these moments of relief are moments when it looks out of he shell to check whether you are stressed or not. And hides back. So now I think it is necessary to show mind there is nothing tobe scared of and somehow prolong these moments. They will become longer and longer till dpdr goes away without you even knowing it.

 

[songflower]

And I agree with you on thoughts. That they tend to fade. I think it is a form of OCD which makes a cocktail with DR and it is hard to separate DR and the thoughts, so you become a mess and "feeling unreal".
Wish you a 100% recovery!