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So, here we go. Blog entry number two, and I was mistaken about nobody going to read the first one. (Thanks, Solomon View attachment 2322 )

I've been swinging back and forth the past week. I went from being almost back to normal to completely within my own head and feeling unreal to back to reality but without a mind to I don't even know what. My mood swings suddenly from hopelessness at never getting out of this mess, anger at myself for allowing this to happen and happyness at potentially seeing an end to my DP.
I went back to my doctor, thinking he might be able to get me an earlier appointment with a pychiatrist or therapist. He was going to phone me today to tell me if he managed. He didn't phone me. So I may have to wait until November before I can talk to some kind of professional about this.

My mind is just not accessable at all anymore. I mean, it obviously is, otherwise I couldn't be forming these sentences and typing them out, but it FEELS like it's not accessable. I keep forgetting things, all of time is just one long day, things I did a few weeks ago seem like years away yet the past month went past me within seconds. I feel like this, but I see my body and know it's mine, I see my reflection in the mirror and know it's me, I feel something with my hand and I know what is the hand and what is the object, I look around myself and see the world and know it's there. But my thoughts are not. Even though they are. Explaining this to people who don't know the feeling at all is the hardest thing I've ever tried.

I'm also starting to become supersticious. I keep seeing the number 666 everywhere I go, for example I was in my mother's car and she needed to get some petrol, so we stopped at a filling station (or gas station, if you're American). As I looked at the price going up with every litre, suddenly the pump halted filling the tank and the price stopped at exactly 66,66€. Or I clicked on a YouTube video, looked at the number of views and it had 666 views. I've looked into the matter of constantly seeing this sequence of numbers and apparently it is not the number of the beast as it was mistranslated in the Bible, but according to angelic number sequences (I believe that's what it was called) if you see these numbers everywhere, it means you're worrying too much, thinking too much about earthly things and should ease your mind and balance your thoughts, which is probably true.
But what really makes me paranoid is this: I was thinking about a friend of mine who pretty much drives everywhere and refuses to walk even short distances. So I thought "What if she ever had an accident?", and guess what, the day after, she had a car accident. Not a big one, she was unharmed. I was thinking of a fatal accident, but still, what a coincidence. I'm not usually very supersticious, but I suppose in my current state of mind I'll worry about anything and everything.

My sleeping pattern is still not great, last night I couldn't sleep until around 7:30 AM. I woke up at 8:30, because there was some construction going on nearby, but I refused to get out of bed, so for 5 hours I lay there drifting in and out of uneasy snoozing, accompanied by headaches and a running nose, because on top of everything I went and caught a cold. A reminder to never drink from the same bottle as someone who says he is "feeling a bit sniffly".

But to anyone who reads this and also to myself, remember: this is only temporary. We can and will get out of it at some point, but to get to that point takes time and effort. Any issues you have are, probably, purely psychiological and will go away if you adress the underlying issues. And once we get out of it we will be stronger and happier than ever before.


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Wendy
Sep 16 2014 10:50 PM

I've been fading in and out of unreality for the past week; not entirely sure what has caused it, but I can find myself drifting back into the state that I was in when I first dissociated from everything. I have mood swings; from extreme anger to ultimate happiness - nothing in between, I really only feel those two emotions. I try to go back to the distractions that I once used for relief, but they don't help me anymore and it's painful.

Your ending is correct those; this is only temporary. We'll all recover and, when we do, it'll be absolutely amazing. Happiness is so close, we just need to carry on a little bit further. Thanks for keeping us all updated.
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