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I do not have the energy to highlight everything that I have been going through at this point, so I am just going to start up where I last left off. In some ways things have gotten better, but in other ways things have gotten worse. I feel very very sick. I am honestly convinced that I am schizophrenic or have a brain tumor. And I know that everybody throws those two around and yes 99% of the time it's just normal anxiety and dissociation...but this is different. I am fuc**d. My head is so not right.

The way I experience reality is warped beyond anything I could ever imagine. And the scary thing is that I really don't think I care anymore. I hope that this is still just withdrawals from Klonopin...I just don't know anymore. I feel like my brain is boiling from a 108 degree fever...like I am actively tripping on acid...trapped inside another dimension straight from hell. I relive entire mind states...feeling atmospheres and reliving memories from years ago...so much so that they are incorporated into my reality and BECOME the way I experience the world around me. Everything looks so fucking weird and "yellow" if that makes sense. There's this strange yellow psychedelic tint/atmosphere to the world. Certain smells make me feel very strange and alarmed and bring back very foggy memories and sensations that I can't quite pinpoint...in fact they don't even feel like my own. I have seen something that can never be unseen. I feel delusional...really believing that I may actually be trapped in another dimension.

This world doesn't make sense to me anymore. I feel like I am trying to make a life in a world that I don't understand...as if I can never again live in the reality I once knew to be true. Being a living breathing human being makes ZERO sense. I feel like I am trying to put together the old me that can never be rebuilt...I am just a broken copy...like when somebody goes into a coma and doesn't come out quite the same. I just feel so numb and used to this hell that I really don't care anymore and it scares me...I have this fuck it attitude that really seems quite self destructive. I am scared that this might actually be my insight fading instead of me not caring anymore.

It's strange though, because at the same time that this is all going on, I feel like I can reach out and touch the real true world from the pit I lie in. I know what the real world is. I can see it past the pane of glass I am trapped behind. I know that these feelings are not real and that it is only my perceptions that have changed. But in the now, that doesn't help. I am going to be honest I really do not think I can come back from this. I feel so alone, as I literally have only found a handful of other people who can relate to me...not even completely. Only two people I have read about/talked to have related to me greatly. One woman developed similar symptoms after a series of panic attacks, another after coming off of Klonopin like me. If I am like this now, what am I going to be like 5 years from now???? This is sick. I feel like I am buying time at this point.

If anybody could leave some feedback, that'd be greatly appreciated. I don't think I will be here for much longer.
 
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