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55 Posts
7 days are over, a week has passed.
I posted the last blog entry when my introductory tutorials for uni were being held. I managed them, put together my timetable for university and got everything more or less organized.
Last saturday I went to a football (or soccer, for you Americans out there) match. I didn't know what it would be like, suddenly finding myself in a stadium with 80.000 loud people at 3pm. First, I was overwhelmed by it all, felt really numb and couldn't get excited, even though it was the team I support playing, my favourite team! But in the end I was shouting my lungs out at the referee, cheering them on and kicking beer cans in frustration of my team losing. However, I felt. And I was very happy when I saw my favourite football player, even though it was only from far away, I saw him, I could feel the corners of my mouth involuntarily move up; something they hadn't done for some time.
I started university officially yesterday and it was both one of the best and worst days in the past few months. Worst, because I had to get up at 6:45am and returned home at 6pm. Best, because for most of the time, I didn't think about DP and everything felt almost like it did before.
Today was not as good DP-wise, but still okay, just a little light-headed. I'm really tired, and I've always felt a little unreal and not there when I was tired, that's never been different as far as I can think back.
But I'm mostly just annoyed by this whole DP/DR business now. I can think properly again, concentrate, focus, I feel emotions and so on and so on, yet my surroundings still seem blurry and distant at times, I still get existential thoughts that make me feel mushy in my head and my body still feels like someone else's and I still can't get my head around simple facts and concepts such as the fact that I'm no longer at school or unemployed but rather a student.
But that happens mostly when I'm alone, when I'm home and doing nothing. And I can work with these feelings now, I don't sit there brooding over them, thinking everything to bits, I just think "fuck it, if it's there, it's there" and after a while it usually improves. Because ultimately, there's nothing I can really do to make this go away other than live with it. And so far, it's kind of working.
I've also been thinking a lot about my life, the people around me, the decisions I made and might make or want to make in future. I couldn't sleep last night, so I lay awake in bed at 1am (which in itself is a huge improvement, mere days ago I couldn't sleep before dawn!) and all these thoughts came up and I thought back to when I was really depressed and when I finally found my friends, when I found my best friend, and I sent him a message saying how much I owe him, how much I need to thank him, how much I love him (platonically. It's sad that we still need to add that in this day and age). Apparently he almost started crying on the bus today when he finally got around to reading it.
I brought this on myself. I let myself go, I sunk into a pit of self-pity and self-loathing, I was too lazy to find a job, didn't do anything all day and was a burden on my friends and family for a lot of the time. I broke myself. So I can fix myself. It will probably take a long time before I'm completely me again, before every part of me is where it should be, but in time I will heal.
I have yet to find many new friends at university, but those that I have spoken to are all very nice people and I hope we will get along and maybe become good friends. Somethig else I have to find out is how much I can drink, the bar crawl is coming this Tursday and then I'll probably be going to some parties, some clubs, I'll find out. I don't know how I will react to that. I used to be fine with alcohol and partying, but since this DP started I haven't been able to drink lots. Usually I feel tipsy after just one beer, but we'll see.
I think I'll limit my visits to this site from now on. I'll post another update on my university life in a few days, see how I feel next week, but many things written here, many topics just are too finite, too morbid and resignated for my liking. People talk about their condition like they've already died. I mean there's literally a post about people thinking that. But with that attitude it's no wonder you've still got Depersonalization. Get your head out of the sand. You need to think positively, even if you have to force yourself. Don't focus on the negative things in life, think about all the good things you have. Friends, Family, even trivial things like a home, a bed, food, an internet connection. Be thankful for what good things you have and stop thinking about not being real. If, somehow, this IS all really a dream, however, what does it matter? If it's a consistent illusion that doesn't alter and can't be altered by you or anyone else, why worry? Just live it like it's real. Because it is real.
But if you're really anxious and can't settle down, just drink some lavender tea. It's helped me a lot and it tastes pretty good.
