[iamsufferingalotlmao]

tldr: weird panic attack on weed resulted in periodic indescribable neurological episodes that result in permanent altered states of "meta-anhedonia"

Made posts here in the past but it's been a while and figured I'd take another shot at seeing if any has possible avenues of exploration for my condition. I relate most to this community, though my condition does feel distinctively different from others here. My situation is unbearable, and though it's completely sidelined me for the last three years, this last jump in condition leads me to be very desperate.

Anyways, I'll have these "episodes" in which it feels like my brain gets jumbled. It has a distinctively physical component to it in the brain, but I don't know how to properly articulate it. The way I imagine it is a bunch of tiny explosions happening in my brain. . I can never really tell when an episode begins as I become somewhat confused. Feels like a bender happening in my brain. I can't really do anything during these episodes besides white knuckling and hoping for the morning I finally wake up not feeling like my brain is exploding. I know it's not epilepsy because I've been tested, but thats at least the best way to describe it. Definitely not psychological, but the fact that I locate the agitation within the brain makes it impossible to relay how it isn't psychological
My doc is finally on board with this after knowing me for years and trying everything. Things I've tried include

-Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation
-Amen clinic tests
-Epilepsy tests
-psychological tests
-Neurofeedback
-Two Inpatient facilities
- Atypical antipsychotics
- Pramipexole
-naltrexone
- Lamictal
-Benzos (have adverse reaction to, maybe clinically significant?)
- Keto diet
- Stimulants
-Gabapentin
-Lexapro
-CBD
-White knuckling it
-therapy

I'm sure I'm forgetting some stuff, but that's all I could remember. Nothing has helped, aside from stimulants near the beginning helped me a bit. Therapy and more traditional psychological interventions feel like I'm talking about my feelings and hoping by doing so it would cure my broken leg. In other words, I'm trying to properly impress upon y'all the raw foundational physical way I experience it.

The condition is twofold. Following these episodes, I enter a permanently more dissociated state. The episodes ALWAYS cease after sleeping, and usually last 7-14 days. This new state can't be properly described, as you all probably know, but the best way to describe it is meta-anhedonia. My theory that I've slowly developed is that the "sense of self" is primarily a result of Dopamine-ish reactions. Your emotional coloring is a result of being able to derive a sense of pleasure from stimulus. This manifests at the most foundational level, as though I can have thoughts such as "Oh I like this song," theres not the proper chemicals in the brain working for me to actually experience what the word "like" signals.

In other words, according to this example, each time I've gotten worse after these episodes, I'll have less emotional connection to my favorite song. Adderall helped in the beginning, but after each episode it does less, to the point now where I can theoretically take an unlimited amount without noticing any different. Its like the dopamine juice isn't there in the first place. I call it "meta-anhedonia" because all though what I described could be synonymous with anhedonia, it is much more meta because it gives rise to a resulting feeling of dissociation. I wish I could elaborate more on this. It is so beyond any words or experiences, to the point where I stopped even trying to articulate it.

These episodes periodically result in a permanent state of heightened agitation, though not always. This last episode was triggered by a small dose of Ritalin me and my doctor were retrying, and has resulted in a nearly insufferable state.

This all started with a bad "panic attack" I had while high and extremely drunk. I say "panic attack" because that is the best way to describe it, although I had panic attacks on weed before and it felt quite different. I was so drunk though that I have little memory of it. I just know it lasted pretty much all night. I woke up in a fog, which I largely ignored. Then, about 5 days later (and I've read others have this delay also), I had my first episode as described above And bam, the floodgates opened. Prior to all this, this fog was once induced when I was extremely drunk, but it went away, and wasn't precipitated by a panic attack.

I don't really know where to go from here, which is why I'm reaching back to y'all. I need some sort of lead or something to try. I am acutely miserable at all time, though there have been times where I've been less miserable. Possible avenues I'm thinking of are Deep Brain Stimulation, weed again (?????), ECT (sigh), and Focused Ultrasound. Focused Ultrasound seems to be very promising in more traditional neurological disorders, although there have been explorations in treating undiagnosed conditions. I'm obviously at the point where nothing is off limits. I also think exploring Lyme disease (double-sigh), stellate ganglion block, heavy metals and trauma induced epigenetics(?).

Anyways, thanks for reading if you got this far. I expected this to be more of a short checkin, but I found myself rewriting almost the entire story. As I'm sure many of y'all relate, words don't really do justice to the suffering, but I try. I also suspect there is going to be a lot more people afflicted with similari-sh conditions given the new ultra powerful strains of weed.

Thanks!

 

[NoDevils]

My advice is don't get high on marijuana or extremely drunk.

One thing that's positive for you is you recognize your mental state is constantly subject to change. The next step is to accept whatever state you're currently in, not in a passive giving up on life sort of way but a letting go of dissatisfaction sort of way. Your emotions may be blunted or detached, and you're likely suffering from anhedonia, but you do have emotions.

You seem to be falling into the common depersonalization trap of seeking cures and self-analysis. On rare occasions someone will discover their depersonalization is caused by a neurological problem or they'll have some psychoanalytical discovery about themselves but usually it's a waste of time.

 

[Caio]

Meu conselho é não ficar chapado com maconha ou extremamente bêbado.

Uma coisa positiva para você é que você reconhece que seu estado mental está constantemente sujeito a mudanças. O próximo passo é aceitar qualquer estado em que você esteja atualmente, não de uma forma passiva desistindo da vida, mas deixando de lado a insatisfação. Suas emoções podem estar embotadas ou distantes, e você provavelmente está sofrendo de anedonia, mas você tem emoções.

Você parece estar caindo na armadilha comum da despersonalização de buscar curas e auto-análise. Em raras ocasiões, alguém descobrirá que sua despersonalização é causada por um problema neurológico ou terá alguma descoberta psicanalítica sobre si mesmo, mas geralmente é uma perda de tempo.
[/CITAR]
s If that's the trap, of falling into the ideas of depersonalization, how can I escape this? I can't take it anymore.

 

[NoDevils]

@Caio

Looking for a cause of the syndrome or cure for the syndrome makes sense. It becomes problematic in cases where no particular cause or cure can be found but the patient continues to obsess. You said in another thread you've only had depersonalization for two months, which isn't a very long time. I'd be more concerned if you've been worrying about this for ten years. My advice for you at this point is to take the problem as it comes. We don't know if you're someone whose depersonalization will entirely, partially, or not resolve. You're probably experiencing a strong fear reaction, and you mentioned sadness in the other thread. Fear and sadness can always be mitigated. You can be happy and at peace again. It may take some time.

 

[Heppi]

Hi @iamsufferingalotlmao,

I have been experiencing continuous changes in my state of consciousness/perception for a little over 7 months, what I would call depersonalization/derealization. This was triggered by one time LSD use, about 60ug.
During the trip I experienced mainly anxiety and was very tense. But there were also moments when I didn't feel so bad. Anyway, it was not a profound experience for me. The "disturbance" started after the trip and became stronger and stronger within the following weeks / months. It felt / feels like my world of consciousness is completely turned upside down once. An incredibly painful process, in which I was very often on the verge of despair and partly still am. It is also often as if two different worlds of consciousness are revealed to me. One in which my world is almost free of problems and one in which I partially fall into my "old", depressive self. This happens constantly in alternation and is very exhausting. These two different states of consciousness existed in a very attenuated form even before the LSD trip.

My theory, which is also supported by studies on therapies with LSD by Stanislav Grof, is that hallucinogens like LSD and lighter hallucinogenic substances like marijuana during an incomplete trip (almost always triggered by fear), initially unnoticed unresolved / repressed conflicts from the unconscious float into consciousness, whereby one is confronted with them again. This confrontation then understandably manifests itself through fear, since this was the reason for repressing the event. Depending on the conflict, it is not always possible to establish a remembered connection to the fear, as this can be rooted in earliest childhood. I went through hell in the early days and endured almost unbearable fears. These then get better with time, because the conflicts behind them could either be resolved and integrated into consciousness, or it was once again repressed into unconsciousness. If the conflict still exists, probably especially a very significant / fundamental and far back one, a perceived split of the consciousness happens, which can be more or less maintained until the conflict is resolved.

In any case, a change of consciousness or perception follows.

Furthermore, I additionally experience moments when my brain disconnects from great anxiety and restricts my perception. This is noticeable by a restricted vision as well as a restricted emotional world.

I guess psychotherapy and mindfulness / meditation or facing the fears are most helpful here.

Many greetings,
Heppi