Unbearable state... I don't want to live anymore.

949 Views 11 Replies 4 Participants Last post by ABanana, 3 mo ago

ABanana

Discussion Starter · 3 mo ago

Hi,

This is my first post on this forum. I don't know why I'm expressing myself here, but I hope it can partially help me.

I'm 28 years old. I've had some severe anxiety-like episodes in my life, once in 2019, again in 2021, and now in 2023, I've been suffering since January. Each time, the episodes were getting stronger. They are also accompanied by other symptoms, not only DP.

In 2019 and 2021, I passed tons of tests: brain MRI, blood tests, electroencephalogram, cardiac tests, screening for certain diseases like Lyme or sleep apnea. None of these tests showed any abnormalitie. I've been on antidepressants since 2019, but everything still comes back episodically, despite increasing doses and changing molecules.

Ten weeks ago, I had another very violent episode, and my antidepressants were changed six weeks ago to Effexor at 75mg per day.

My condition has been strange since taking this medication, I still kept the DP a bit but felt overboosted, like I needed to be focus on something every second. But unfortunately today, it has been 5 days since I've been stuck in an unbearable state. The DP/DR is so strong that I lose the very concept of life. I don't know if I'm alive, if I'm dead and in hell, or what I'm doing here on Earth. My daily life is just suffering...

I sleep a lot, 12 hours a day. I wake up after restless nights with night sweats. In bed, I doze off for another 2 or 3 hours before I can wake up properly. During these hours, I deliriously drift between wakefulness and light sleep, where my dreams blend with discussions from my loved ones if I hear them in the next room.

All day long, my heart is pounding. I have no emotions except the desire to cry. I have no desires except to die to finally escape all of this. I have a sense of being doomed. I am afraid of suffering for a long time... Because of my relatives and my religion, I will not commit suicide, but I really want everything to stop. I think I am not repairable.

In addition to DP/DR, I have many other symptoms: severe fatigue, daytime drowsiness, huge difficulties concentrating, severe headaches (migraines), loss of appetite, difficulty expressing myself, heavy legs. I don't do anything all day, I lie on my bed. Apart from browsing a bit on my phone, eating, showering, going to the toilet, and sleeping. That's all. I am not able to do anything else.

Regarding DP/DR: as I said earlier, I feel like I no longer exist, and that my mind is stuck in a nightmare. I have impressions that my memories, even from a few hours ago, belong to other lives, or were dreamed. I don't feel like myself or alive. I feel like I have to take care of an animated corpse that is no longer mine. It's unbearable... Probably the worst suffering a human being can feel. Much worse than physical suffering. My girlfriend took me to the emergencies two days ago, hoping to get some clues, at least a scan, or a blood test. But the emergency doctor didn't take me seriously. As soon as I told them I was taking antidepressants, they immediately said it is a psychiatric trouble and that I needed to see a psychiatrist, and that he couldn't do anything. The psychiatric team being unavailable at that time (it was at night), I was sent home...

They are supposed to call me back on Tuesday to schedule an appointment. But it will be difficult because in this state, I can't drive. It's horrible. I don't want to "live" like this anymore...

Anyone is feeling the same?
How do you keep the force and faith to survive this?

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ABanana

Discussion Starter · #3 · 3 mo ago (Edited)

Hi, thank you for your answer. Yes I agree, even your relatives seem like strangers in DP.

I found another way of describing one of my DP symptom : It is like I'm an highly drug person that was just born on Earth for the first time one minute ago. I'm supposed to not know anything, not even myself, but I have bits of memories about what I was, the concepts of life, I'm able to read, write, tell my name, my age, my birth date, where I'm, etc. But it takes a lot of psychological efforts. Like everytime I try to focus on something or try to be myself, my brain hurts, I got kind of headhaches. I even have small spasms and nystagmus sometimes...

Concerning your case, yeah, Lexapro is a good antidepressant. I used to take it at the same dose, 10mg/day during 2 years from 2019 to 2021.
It took me 6 weeks before this AD strated to act on me. Before that like you said, I felt even worse. But this is the side effects of ADs. They last only some weeks.

I halved the dose then stopped the treatment when I felt better in 2022 and I think it is a part of my mistake that made me fall again some monthes later... Now I take Effexor since 6 weeks that is also supposed to deal with the norepinephrine. But as you can read it doesn't help me.

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ABanana

Discussion Starter · #6 · 3 mo ago

SLH414521 said:
Maybe trying going back on the Lexapro??
At this point I try anything that helps ground me. Essential oils. Going for walks. Staring at phones doesn’t help. And sometimes keep a daily journal does help. I write a lot and sometimes it reminds me that I haven’t completely lost my mind to this shit. I also went and had reiki done and that helped if you believe in that sort of thing. Don’t take naps during the day. And don’t isolate they make it worse. Try to go outside if you can.

I tried to go back on Lexapro during my relapse, but it wasn't really working anymore, as if my body had acclimated to it after withdrawal. So a psychiatrist told me to try Venlafaxine (Effexor) instead of increasing the dose of Lexapro.

But Venlafaxine doesn't seem to work for me. When I was at 37.5mg, I already felt weird, and now I've been at 75mg for 4 weeks and for 6 days I've been feeling really bad. Really bad... I'm losing my mind. I even wrote my will (testament) yesterday just in case. I told my girlfriend to read my notes on my phone if something happened to me (without telling her it was my will).

I should have an appointment with a psychiatric team soon, I'm waiting for a call from the hospital. I will discuss with them if I need to change my current treatment and if it's the reason for my current state.

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ABanana

Discussion Starter · #8 · 3 mo ago

Thank you very much. Hope you will feel better quickly!

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ABanana

Discussion Starter · #10 · 3 mo ago

Trith said:
That's right, I don't think it can stay like this forever. And treatments can really make a difference. Most of the time they can help but if you are not lucky you can have a bad reaction to a med that makes it worse. I have tried many treatments and while most helped a little for some things like DP (but not DR in my case), there was one that gave me very strong anxiety, and another one where I went suicidal while on it. These things can sometimes happen and you have to contact your doctor as soon as possible. If you feel that your life is in danger, don't wait for your appointment, you need to contact your doctor ASAP or check in to the emergency room if you can't contact him.

Yeah but sadly like I said, the emergencies don't take my case seriously. They just check my temperature, my vital constants and some neurological clinical tests like walking, clamping hands, puffing the cheeks... Since everything is okay they don't keep me. No-one can bring me in here during daytime, so it is hard to see an emergency psychiatric, and the waiting time can be really long (more than 8 hours).
Of course I'm in such state that I litterally want to die rather than continuing living like this, but I won't commit sui****. So they assume it is okay to let me suffer like never during several weeks.

I also read that DP/DR and my other symptom like spasms, nystagmus, etc. Can be due to neurological pathologies so I don't understand why they don't at least make me get a scan TBH.

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ABanana

Discussion Starter · #12 · 3 mo ago

Hi, I understand your point of view. This is what I did before ending up in this awful state.
I was in DP but still did my life, my work, my hobbies, even if it was hard.
Actually I think my current meds aren't fine for me. I took this new molecule (Effexor) since 4 weeks and it began to be hardcore to survive 1 week ago.
Today I took half the dose just to see, I still have my DP/DR, but far less headhaches.

But honnestly at this stage, when you have gone so far in DP that you felt like you were already dead or non-existent, it will be really hard to recover. If I really get better some day, I will still be traumatised, for life.
Like people who survive a war and lose their mind, I will lose mine because I would have survived the mental hell. I feel it... I will never be able to forget this horrible episode.

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