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Unbearable state... I don't want to live anymore.

947 Views 11 Replies 4 Participants Last post by  ABanana

This is my first post on this forum. I don't know why I'm expressing myself here, but I hope it can partially help me.

I'm 28 years old. I've had some severe anxiety-like episodes in my life, once in 2019, again in 2021, and now in 2023, I've been suffering since January. Each time, the episodes were getting stronger. They are also accompanied by other symptoms, not only DP.

In 2019 and 2021, I passed tons of tests: brain MRI, blood tests, electroencephalogram, cardiac tests, screening for certain diseases like Lyme or sleep apnea. None of these tests showed any abnormalitie. I've been on antidepressants since 2019, but everything still comes back episodically, despite increasing doses and changing molecules.

Ten weeks ago, I had another very violent episode, and my antidepressants were changed six weeks ago to Effexor at 75mg per day.

My condition has been strange since taking this medication, I still kept the DP a bit but felt overboosted, like I needed to be focus on something every second. But unfortunately today, it has been 5 days since I've been stuck in an unbearable state. The DP/DR is so strong that I lose the very concept of life. I don't know if I'm alive, if I'm dead and in hell, or what I'm doing here on Earth. My daily life is just suffering...

I sleep a lot, 12 hours a day. I wake up after restless nights with night sweats. In bed, I doze off for another 2 or 3 hours before I can wake up properly. During these hours, I deliriously drift between wakefulness and light sleep, where my dreams blend with discussions from my loved ones if I hear them in the next room.

All day long, my heart is pounding. I have no emotions except the desire to cry. I have no desires except to die to finally escape all of this. I have a sense of being doomed. I am afraid of suffering for a long time... Because of my relatives and my religion, I will not commit suicide, but I really want everything to stop. I think I am not repairable.

In addition to DP/DR, I have many other symptoms: severe fatigue, daytime drowsiness, huge difficulties concentrating, severe headaches (migraines), loss of appetite, difficulty expressing myself, heavy legs. I don't do anything all day, I lie on my bed. Apart from browsing a bit on my phone, eating, showering, going to the toilet, and sleeping. That's all. I am not able to do anything else.

Regarding DP/DR: as I said earlier, I feel like I no longer exist, and that my mind is stuck in a nightmare. I have impressions that my memories, even from a few hours ago, belong to other lives, or were dreamed. I don't feel like myself or alive. I feel like I have to take care of an animated corpse that is no longer mine. It's unbearable... Probably the worst suffering a human being can feel. Much worse than physical suffering. My girlfriend took me to the emergencies two days ago, hoping to get some clues, at least a scan, or a blood test. But the emergency doctor didn't take me seriously. As soon as I told them I was taking antidepressants, they immediately said it is a psychiatric trouble and that I needed to see a psychiatrist, and that he couldn't do anything. The psychiatric team being unavailable at that time (it was at night), I was sent home...

They are supposed to call me back on Tuesday to schedule an appointment. But it will be difficult because in this state, I can't drive. It's horrible. I don't want to "live" like this anymore...

Anyone is feeling the same?
How do you keep the force and faith to survive this?
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Hi Abanana,
Im having the worst dpdr this is my first round of experiencing it like this. Find myself in night sweats unable to sleep like I used to. Im constantly reminding my self of my name and where I live. It’s terrifying. Im on Lexapro they just upped me to 10mg and the dpdr seems worse some days than others: everyone keeps saying to accept and allow yourself to feel it. But it’s hard. I feel like I’m obsessing over every little thing. I’m in my own home and my surroundings are unfamiliar. I’m tired all the time. Also found out that my iron is low so I’m also taking supplements for that as well. I take Xanax to try and take the edge off and some days it works other days it feels like it’s done nothing for me. I’m told this can go away and I have days where it does subside a little. Keep hope! It can’t stay like this forever.
Maybe trying going back on the Lexapro??
At this point I try anything that helps ground me. Essential oils. Going for walks. Staring at phones doesn’t help. And sometimes keep a daily journal does help. I write a lot and sometimes it reminds me that I haven’t completely lost my mind to this shit. I also went and had reiki done and that helped if you believe in that sort of thing. Don’t take naps during the day. And don’t isolate they make it worse. Try to go outside if you can.
I tried to go back on Lexapro during my relapse, but it wasn't really working anymore, as if my body had acclimated to it after withdrawal. So a psychiatrist told me to try Venlafaxine (Effexor) instead of increasing the dose of Lexapro.

But Venlafaxine doesn't seem to work for me. When I was at 37.5mg, I already felt weird, and now I've been at 75mg for 4 weeks and for 6 days I've been feeling really bad. Really bad... I'm losing my mind. I even wrote my will (testament) yesterday just in case. I told my girlfriend to read my notes on my phone if something happened to me (without telling her it was my will).

I should have an appointment with a psychiatric team soon, I'm waiting for a call from the hospital. I will discuss with them if I need to change my current treatment and if it's the reason for my current state.

Im so sorry you’re going through this. But I understand how you feel. It’s torture literally. Hang on to hope man. It can’t last like this forever. Im gonna pray for you. Don’t give up hope! I know I’m trying like hell not to. It’s been so rough. Today has been a hard day too. Feel like I’m here but I’m not here. If you need anything message me.
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Don’t google anything! Google isn’t your friend when you’re dealing with this. Anxiety and dpdr can make you think all kinds of things. Best advice is to continue the meds and try not to obsess over it. I know easier said than done. But what have you got to lose. Challenge the thoughts. Dare them to do their worst and you’ll see in the end that it’s nothing you can’t handle. While is sucks horribly, it can’t hurt you. It won’t hurt you. Anxiety, dpdr can’t hurt you. It’s literally your brains way of protecting you. Shitty way but it’s fact. Try to get up and move around even it’s pacing your house. Do what you have to do to make it manageable! Don’t obsess over things that aren’t true.
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