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Unbearable state... I don't want to live anymore.

945 Views 11 Replies 4 Participants Last post by  ABanana

This is my first post on this forum. I don't know why I'm expressing myself here, but I hope it can partially help me.

I'm 28 years old. I've had some severe anxiety-like episodes in my life, once in 2019, again in 2021, and now in 2023, I've been suffering since January. Each time, the episodes were getting stronger. They are also accompanied by other symptoms, not only DP.

In 2019 and 2021, I passed tons of tests: brain MRI, blood tests, electroencephalogram, cardiac tests, screening for certain diseases like Lyme or sleep apnea. None of these tests showed any abnormalitie. I've been on antidepressants since 2019, but everything still comes back episodically, despite increasing doses and changing molecules.

Ten weeks ago, I had another very violent episode, and my antidepressants were changed six weeks ago to Effexor at 75mg per day.

My condition has been strange since taking this medication, I still kept the DP a bit but felt overboosted, like I needed to be focus on something every second. But unfortunately today, it has been 5 days since I've been stuck in an unbearable state. The DP/DR is so strong that I lose the very concept of life. I don't know if I'm alive, if I'm dead and in hell, or what I'm doing here on Earth. My daily life is just suffering...

I sleep a lot, 12 hours a day. I wake up after restless nights with night sweats. In bed, I doze off for another 2 or 3 hours before I can wake up properly. During these hours, I deliriously drift between wakefulness and light sleep, where my dreams blend with discussions from my loved ones if I hear them in the next room.

All day long, my heart is pounding. I have no emotions except the desire to cry. I have no desires except to die to finally escape all of this. I have a sense of being doomed. I am afraid of suffering for a long time... Because of my relatives and my religion, I will not commit suicide, but I really want everything to stop. I think I am not repairable.

In addition to DP/DR, I have many other symptoms: severe fatigue, daytime drowsiness, huge difficulties concentrating, severe headaches (migraines), loss of appetite, difficulty expressing myself, heavy legs. I don't do anything all day, I lie on my bed. Apart from browsing a bit on my phone, eating, showering, going to the toilet, and sleeping. That's all. I am not able to do anything else.

Regarding DP/DR: as I said earlier, I feel like I no longer exist, and that my mind is stuck in a nightmare. I have impressions that my memories, even from a few hours ago, belong to other lives, or were dreamed. I don't feel like myself or alive. I feel like I have to take care of an animated corpse that is no longer mine. It's unbearable... Probably the worst suffering a human being can feel. Much worse than physical suffering. My girlfriend took me to the emergencies two days ago, hoping to get some clues, at least a scan, or a blood test. But the emergency doctor didn't take me seriously. As soon as I told them I was taking antidepressants, they immediately said it is a psychiatric trouble and that I needed to see a psychiatrist, and that he couldn't do anything. The psychiatric team being unavailable at that time (it was at night), I was sent home...

They are supposed to call me back on Tuesday to schedule an appointment. But it will be difficult because in this state, I can't drive. It's horrible. I don't want to "live" like this anymore...

Anyone is feeling the same?
How do you keep the force and faith to survive this?
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there is no answer for this bastard disorder. but yes im like this all day. lately ive been having a couple drinks to relax me but i dont want to resort to that everyday. i was incapacitated for a couple months in 2018 couldnt even use technology. all i could do is wall stare. thats how bad it can get. but now its getting worst but i force myself up everyday regardless how i feel. use meditation to ground myself and not get stuck in the obsessive cycle this thing creates. anyway just do what u gotta do to relax and function to your best ability.
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