Depersonalization Support Forum banner

Unbearable state... I don't want to live anymore.

945 Views 11 Replies 4 Participants Last post by  ABanana

This is my first post on this forum. I don't know why I'm expressing myself here, but I hope it can partially help me.

I'm 28 years old. I've had some severe anxiety-like episodes in my life, once in 2019, again in 2021, and now in 2023, I've been suffering since January. Each time, the episodes were getting stronger. They are also accompanied by other symptoms, not only DP.

In 2019 and 2021, I passed tons of tests: brain MRI, blood tests, electroencephalogram, cardiac tests, screening for certain diseases like Lyme or sleep apnea. None of these tests showed any abnormalitie. I've been on antidepressants since 2019, but everything still comes back episodically, despite increasing doses and changing molecules.

Ten weeks ago, I had another very violent episode, and my antidepressants were changed six weeks ago to Effexor at 75mg per day.

My condition has been strange since taking this medication, I still kept the DP a bit but felt overboosted, like I needed to be focus on something every second. But unfortunately today, it has been 5 days since I've been stuck in an unbearable state. The DP/DR is so strong that I lose the very concept of life. I don't know if I'm alive, if I'm dead and in hell, or what I'm doing here on Earth. My daily life is just suffering...

I sleep a lot, 12 hours a day. I wake up after restless nights with night sweats. In bed, I doze off for another 2 or 3 hours before I can wake up properly. During these hours, I deliriously drift between wakefulness and light sleep, where my dreams blend with discussions from my loved ones if I hear them in the next room.

All day long, my heart is pounding. I have no emotions except the desire to cry. I have no desires except to die to finally escape all of this. I have a sense of being doomed. I am afraid of suffering for a long time... Because of my relatives and my religion, I will not commit suicide, but I really want everything to stop. I think I am not repairable.

In addition to DP/DR, I have many other symptoms: severe fatigue, daytime drowsiness, huge difficulties concentrating, severe headaches (migraines), loss of appetite, difficulty expressing myself, heavy legs. I don't do anything all day, I lie on my bed. Apart from browsing a bit on my phone, eating, showering, going to the toilet, and sleeping. That's all. I am not able to do anything else.

Regarding DP/DR: as I said earlier, I feel like I no longer exist, and that my mind is stuck in a nightmare. I have impressions that my memories, even from a few hours ago, belong to other lives, or were dreamed. I don't feel like myself or alive. I feel like I have to take care of an animated corpse that is no longer mine. It's unbearable... Probably the worst suffering a human being can feel. Much worse than physical suffering. My girlfriend took me to the emergencies two days ago, hoping to get some clues, at least a scan, or a blood test. But the emergency doctor didn't take me seriously. As soon as I told them I was taking antidepressants, they immediately said it is a psychiatric trouble and that I needed to see a psychiatrist, and that he couldn't do anything. The psychiatric team being unavailable at that time (it was at night), I was sent home...

They are supposed to call me back on Tuesday to schedule an appointment. But it will be difficult because in this state, I can't drive. It's horrible. I don't want to "live" like this anymore...

Anyone is feeling the same?
How do you keep the force and faith to survive this?
See less See more
  • Like
Reactions: 2
1 - 1 of 12 Posts
That's right, I don't think it can stay like this forever. And treatments can really make a difference. Most of the time they can help but if you are not lucky you can have a bad reaction to a med that makes it worse. I have tried many treatments and while most helped a little for some things like DP (but not DR in my case), there was one that gave me very strong anxiety, and another one where I went suicidal while on it. These things can sometimes happen and you have to contact your doctor as soon as possible. If you feel that your life is in danger, don't wait for your appointment, you need to contact your doctor ASAP or check in to the emergency room if you can't contact him.
1 - 1 of 12 Posts