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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Everything feels so unbearable.

I'm used to feeling numb, to having a blank mind - hell, I'm even used to having thoughts jumping around from time to time, too! Or even feeling so upset that I uncontrollably cry for hours on end, or get so angry I feel the urge to break stuff or scream at whatever to release some of that anger, etc.

What I'm experiencing right now is something totally different though. It feels like I have so many thoughts in my head that are occurring all at once, or maybe just jumping around quicker than I'm able to observe or take note of them, and I can't seem to make it STOP! My head is fucking pounding and I swear to God, it feels like it weighs a hundred fucking pounds. I can't make it be quiet, and I have honestly really fucking tried!

To make it even worse I don't even know how to describe how I'm currently feeling emotionally - like I'm just WTF.

Surprisingly, I'm not numb or void of emotion - not exactly, anyway. I feel, but I'm not expressing any emotion whatsoever. I don't feel the slightest urge to cry, scream or anything at all. Yet I do feel this unbearable, fucking crippling, sadness, worry and discomfort. The weight and intensity of how I feel is literally causing me physical discomfort in my chest. I'm on my third day of feeling like this, it hasn't dissipated for even a few seconds. I've had no relief, it has been constant. I haven't even been able to sleep, and holy shit, do I feel my mind and body wanting to shut down from sleep deprivation! I don't even know how it's possible that it hasn't yet.

I am not going to be able to handle this for much longer - in shock I've made it this far without doing something out of impulse.

I can't turn it off, I've tried using every single coping strategy that I have learned and nothing has helped. Passive suicidal and self-mutilation thoughts are occurring, and I know that I am almost to my absolute breaking point. I've been at that point before - I know what I'm capable of and I don't want to end up there again..

And that little bit of truth scares the fuck out of me.

I'm trying so hard to be strong.. to not let this affect me to where I lose my mind or possibly my life.. I want to feel okay, and I know that this state of mind can't last forever. So I'm doing my best to just be patient, to realize that I'll be alright again eventually. But when? How much more am I going to be able to take? What if this happens again? What if this is the end and I've given up internally? If I've officially lost all hope or will to survive? Then what..?
 

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I can say.. That im about to do suicide. Im so so so low. Im my deepet despair. I havent felt myself at all. I feel constant fear. Anger. Feeling of panic. Wanging to do something wanting to heal. Feel better. Strong fear.it is completely shutting me off. Confusion of head. Just depressed and badly. Trying all the time figure everything out. I want this life too much. I want my pieces back but im only losing them. Im losing myself every moment. I know im so messed up i probably have to die. I just jump up and down. I change my states every second. I change some part of me which doesent matter. I change into another being. But i dont know where is me? Omg. I never knew i had to go here. I never knew my life become like a nigtmare. Like this bad. I dont know anything more worse than become confused so badly that i cant even go out. Or take care of myself.
 

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This post sounds a lot like I've been feelin for the last 14 years or so. Very intensely. I too had a period where I got no sleep for 5 or 6 days (couldn't really tell...time didn't exist), and it was my first time going to the hospital for this.

I wish I could say it does end, but for me at least, it hasn't. Most of the things that help others on this forum and elsewhere have not yielded results for me.

However, I am still alive, and I do sleep most nights. There are two things I would recommend. First, you need sleep. That is your first priority. Find a sleeping pill that works for you, and make sure you are in a place where you feel safe (for me, it's either my parents place or a hospital, but that last route is not always the best option, they will at least make sure you are sleeping). For me, I take 100 or sometimes up to 200 mg of Trazodone for sleep. I hate the way it makes me feel, but it does help me sleep most of the time. Taking it with food like a turkey sandwich can make the feeling if the medicine more bearable.

Second, to get through the days, I distract myself with something very engaging as much as possible. I don't know what that would be for you, it might be a fast-paced book or something. I do find that putting pen to paper helps greatly too. I usually keep a book of logic puzzles or sudoku around for that purpose. Otherwise, just writing down stuff, make a list of your favorite movies or something. It does provide some temporary relief to make the situation more bearable.

I wish I could tell you I've found a permanent solution to this, but for now, these are the things that keep me alive and relatively safe. Good luck.
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
I can say.. That im about to do suicide. Im so so so low. Im my deepet despair. I havent felt myself at all. I feel constant fear. Anger. Feeling of panic. Wanging to do something wanting to heal. Feel better. Strong fear.it is completely shutting me off. Confusion of head. Just depressed and badly. Trying all the time figure everything out. I want this life too much. I want my pieces back but im only losing them. Im losing myself every moment. I know im so messed up i probably have to die. I just jump up and down. I change my states every second. I change some part of me which doesent matter. I change into another being. But i dont know where is me? Omg. I never knew i had to go here. I never knew my life become like a nigtmare. Like this bad. I dont know anything more worse than become confused so badly that i cant even go out. Or take care of myself.
I'm so sorry you feel that way :(
It's not as bad for me now - just basically ruined everything I had going for me in my life today. Made my fiancé angry to the point he said some really hurtful things and he doesn't love me, or want to be with me anymore. On the verge of fucking up the relationship I have been recently working to build with my dad that I've longed for my entire childhood. And made myself look like an absolute fool to everyone else.

And for some fucked up reason, I feel a sense of relief.

I don't know - that wasn't really a positive response to your comment but suicide isn't a valid solution. You don't end your problems when you take that route, you just pass them on to someone else. That's hypocritical of me but your life IS worth something. You're worth something - just try to hold on to that.
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
This post sounds a lot like I've been feelin for the last 14 years or so. Very intensely. I too had a period where I got no sleep for 5 or 6 days (couldn't really tell...time didn't exist), and it was my first time going to the hospital for this.

I wish I could say it does end, but for me at least, it hasn't. Most of the things that help others on this forum and elsewhere have not yielded results for me.

However, I am still alive, and I do sleep most nights. There are two things I would recommend. First, you need sleep. That is your first priority. Find a sleeping pill that works for you, and make sure you are in a place where you feel safe (for me, it's either my parents place or a hospital, but that last route is not always the best option, they will at least make sure you are sleeping). For me, I take 100 or sometimes up to 200 mg of Trazodone for sleep. I hate the way it makes me feel, but it does help me sleep most of the time. Taking it with food like a turkey sandwich can make the feeling if the medicine more bearable.

Second, to get through the days, I distract myself with something very engaging as much as possible. I don't know what that would be for you, it might be a fast-paced book or something. I do find that putting pen to paper helps greatly too. I usually keep a book of logic puzzles or sudoku around for that purpose. Otherwise, just writing down stuff, make a list of your favorite movies or something. It does provide some temporary relief to make the situation more bearable.

I wish I could tell you I've found a permanent solution to this, but for now, these are the things that keep me alive and relatively safe. Good luck.
Shit... asking for a permanent solution would be like asking a chimp to solve the global warming issue. Seems like nobody has been able to come up with such a miracle.

For a while I was wondering why it would be so difficult to make a medicine to help with any dissociate disorders - or a different kind for each similar branch of dissociation. I wanted to start figuring a solution out for myself, something I could mix together and take, to make me feel better. But then I realized I don't want to have to depend on a drug or anything to make me feel okay. I just want to BE okay - on my own, like everyone else seems to be!

On a better note though, I found a therapist I'm going to try seeing. Maybe if I really do try, maybe if I put my all into getting better.. just maybe it'll happen. If she even responds to my email that is.. thanks for responding though!! And you're right, if I did something, anything, to keep my mind occupied I would be able to handle this better.
 
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