Discussion Starter · #1 ·
My name is Eric and I am 33 years old suffering from severe DP/DR. This is my first post. Even typing this response is almost impossible for me because I feel like I have every thought and no thoughts at all at the same time. For me it started about a year ago after suffering a lot of stressors - overwhelmed by church ministry, a marriage proposal that fell apart and an outright identity crisis. I barely have the motivation to type this response. I spend most of my days trying to simply appear normal to everyone else and for me this means being quiet and not saying anything because I feel like everyone will find out I am a hollow shell living in a body with no emotion and no thoughts. I get extremely nervous and panicky any time anyone asks me ANY question about myself, my past, or what I think about something. I literally have nothing to say back to people when this happens and when I speak, I feel a huge pressure/brain zap and then my thoughts go to "why aren't you saying anything... say something back to this person!" and I end up just being quiet thinking about the fact that I can't talk and I can barely hold a conversation. I am so quiet that I don't even want to try to talk to anyone anymore even though everything within me screams for and craves connection to the people that love me. Like I know they love me and they care about me, and to them I appear pretty normal, but all I can manage to spit out is small talk and small sentences. I think because I have no thoughts all the time, I have to force myself to think of something "normal" to say just to appear part of this world still to those around me. The truth is I feel so phased out of reality that I spend most days watching the clock pass by, not trying anything to get out of it. I have tried everything to feel better, but nothing seems to be working. I feel useless, guilty for not being able to show affection and emotion to my friends and family, and at this point defeated. Deep down I know I am still "here" and this knowingness of my true self keeps me enduring every day, but the torment of living in this prison of my head and my body, without being able to express anything on the inside is killing my motivation. I frequently think about suicide to end things, but the thought of what this would do to my family and friends keeps me hanging on. Every day I feel like I am fading more and more out of reality, and the irony is that I have almost accepted it. There is a strange peace to the nothingness, like my mind and body have shut down. I feel like my perception of everything has been awakened to such a state that there is "no going back". There is no way to unsee the world the way I see it now. People's expressions, their faces, their emotions their movements are all unfamiliar to me and being around people or social situations is the toughest because all I think about is how strange everything is around me. I am living in a quiet prison with my intellect intact and nothing else. Its pure torture and I keep waking up every day hoping it will change. Anyway, that is where I am at.