[Scattered]

Not confident or sure. Not firm or set or safe.

The ultimate insecurity comes with the thought that nothing is guaranteed. Not your life, not your happiness or well being. Not even meaning is guaranteed. Some will find solace in religion, some will find solace in sex, drugs, alcohol, and some will never be comfortable at all. How can I be secure when I doubt the very skin, organs, brain, and bones that comprise my physical entity?

How can I ever be ok, when I feel like a biological machine, determined by natural laws, chemicals, and neurotransmitters ?

We all have ways of getting over this quivering mass of confusion, ambiguity, and insecurity. Some need to devote themselves to a cause to achieve order, sense, and immortality. Some have faith that existence does not end with the physical body. The reason why I'm posting this in this forum because I believe this problem is one that is fundamentally about faith. Either we have faith in our mastery of life; An ability to create meaning, sense, and order where there originally was none, therefore living a purposeful life, Or we have faith in God.

I don't feel as if i'm capable of having faith. I don't have faith that life is reason enough and will redeem itself through simple enjoyment and momentary pleasures. I don't have faith in a God that allows evil, injustice, and senselessness. As a result, I can't believe in anything. And without faith, I'm nothing.

You're going to tell me to stop thinking so hard. You're going to tell me that my thoughts are the result of a chemical or psychological deficiency or disorder that impairs my ability to reason correctly, to see the whole picture. This is the only picture that I see. This is clear as day. I realize there are no immediate answers to any of these questions other than to simply forget about it and live life. Some can do that but I can't; I wish I could. I need a reason to wake up in the morning, to know that I'm not just a hunk of organic matter coming closer to the final exit that erases me completely.

 

[Guest]

I think if people expect religion to give them peace and security, they're going about it all wrong. Confusion and belief in a higher power are not mutually exclusive. Life is like a puzzle that can never be solved, and God is part of the puzzle.

 

[Guest]

Scattered :

I know quite well what you mean. I don't have faith in my health (which to any sane person appears very good) or in my intelligence. I don't have faith that my life will continue to go well or that I'll be able and willing to make it go well.

And now I feel like I'm going insane.

So GODDAMN ALONE.

 

[widescreened]

Scattered.Ive read some of your posts and it comes across to me that you are very bright and young.Dont look back in years to come with anger at your life.Try,try and try to make the most of it.A million different pills and the best neurologist on earth wont make any difference to you if your attitude is wrong.You are trapped at the moment by your own attitude and lack of belief in yourself and others.Fear and doubt are haunting you bigtime,like they still do me a lot.But I have to remind myself that no matter how clever i am and how able i am to justify a place for this fear and doubt,i am wrong.i wasnt born looking over my shoulder and neither were you.ive said some horrible things to my friends and family justifying and sanitizing this condition,which is the worst strategy possible for getting out of it.i think you can be an excellent writer.you are articulate and steady.dont grow into an angry,boaring old man.fight this thing.fight it tooth and nail.try different strategies,but first,change your attitude.

 

[Scattered]

Thanks for the responses. I'd like to change my attitude, I don't enjoy being a miserable bastard. Its just that I feel like I need a reason to change. I don't believe in forced positive thinking, it seems false to me. Too many people who are depressed are told to simply be positive. Well I'd like to be positive, but explain to me why I should be positive. I have plenty of questions, but few answers. People would probably say to just ignore all the negative shit I focus on. It's hard for me to ignore something that is right in front of my face. I don't see the balance and harmony in the world that happy people do. Everything seems to be weighed more twoard mass suffering and confusion than understanding and satisfaction.

 

[Martinelv]

I don't enjoy being a miserable bastard.

Are you quite sure about that? :?

 

[Scattered]

 

[Martinelv]

I think I've touched a nerve.

 

[Scattered]

Just a joke. :wink:

If only I could be as positive and life affirming as you.

 

[Martinelv]

Now THAT'S sarcasm! :lol: