Ugh...tired of this crap

Ugh, I'm so tired of this crap...being up and down, all around. For a while at my parents tonight I actually forgot about the dp, but now I'm feeling really bad. I'm tired of living in fear...fear of death, fear of insanity, fear what happens after death, fear of dp, fear of fear. Is this where I need to be till i finally just say f*ck it and get better? My fear (there's that word again) is that if I do, instead i'll go insane, that i'll become so obsessed on death and infinity or whatever that it'll drive me stark raving mad. Its' funny, becasue at least if I was mad, i wouldnt' be worrying about it! But then I think, ther'es gotta be a period where those who go insane are aware of it happening. Ah well. Just a bad night. I'm tired of it!!!!!!!! I need to get better! I hope this is the right way to get better. Get sick of it and then work on getting better. I guess I really need to be more up front with my psychatrist and therapist and be like, "look B, this just isn't working for me." I see them both on Monday. Sorry for the rant, just one of those nights.