[Brainsilence02]

I am trying to understand whether I am having DP or an alike situation. English is not my mother language. I apologize in advance for my bad narration, bad syntax and typographic errors.

Identification:

Age: 22-23
Gender: male
Status: university student
Location: Greece (Europe)
Comments: never visited a psychitrist of any kind, a neurologist suggested relations with girls

--- Part 1 ---

The objects are empty. The futility of the world is more than obvious. I only want to sit in a chair and do nothing, think nothing; yet this is been presented to be like one of the origins of disapointment/pain. My memory is not exactly friendly, I know that I have things in my memory but they just are not mine. The mind is in silence. Purpose has gone long beafore today.

However, this is not a permanent situation. I tend to laught with things very small and silly. I tend to bring again in my head funy moments. For breaf periods I tend to cry with everything around (I manage to hold it back though, facial expesions help in this).

I suppose I must be a very egoistic personality because I tend to credit myself in fantastic-created (illusion) situations, or alternations of real memories. I think some those illusions are what Americans call "fell sorry for myself".

I am still afraid somethimes to appear in public. My style of walking is effected by this. Sometimes I find it hard to write some alphabet's letters (including English characters, like "S").

I find it somewhat amusing to try to impersonate various characters like polititions, homeless, very old people, assasins, brain-defected people, very rich people, etc.

I always keep track of what I do what I am doing) like I am designing what I do beafore I do it. I don't know if I can control this.

I have placed some hope at the romance things but, I think it's not a good idea at this time for many reasons.

Hate is involved sometimes, it is like I need to excersise violence but the idea of hitting a person is not acceptable, and the idea of hitting an object like a pillows or a boxing-saque may open doors that are bad to enter (although I had excersised boxing over a pillow and seemed to have a positive effect).

It is not very easy, but so far, noone has managed to understand any of this.

I find it either thrilling to plot miscellangeous stories like: noir, espionage, romance, social.

At the same time, all the privious sound like a sily story/ide (obviously when a "crisis" is over).

It is like some bad periods or bad days or bad hours. After that I can continue things with remarkable release.

When I make short plans (next hours, or one day), purpose comes back,

And there is something else too. Is there something wrong with the light? Is the contrast changing?

Maybe this whole thing is part of a computer addiction. Hmmm... I don't think so. Although I am adicted to compyters, I can overcome the "addiction"-related thoughts when I concentrate into something else; yet it remains in the background remind me it's existance.

Why am I not in a doctor? Many and complex reasons. One of which is that I dont trust them a lot. Other reasons are a lot more complex and I will not mention them (please do not suggest the obvious: go to a doctor, this is the last resort). However, the though of fixing this sometimes becomes exceedingly hopeful.

Is this what they call "half life"? It looks like it, since the "half" part of all things is gone. Is curing automatic after the years are over? I have the sence that this is getting better as I grow up. But maybe it doesn't.

--- Part 2 ---

What predecessed this line was was writen some weeks ago, during one "crisis" was falling back. Later, I changed my mind and never posted it here because I felt better. I am not in a crisis right now, but I am not feeling very well too. Maybe it's comming back. This thing must have become persistent in a gradient way since I was 18/19 (I am now 22-23). But if I try to re-call, I think that it started when I was 14. Maybe it started as another way to understand the world. This other way is no relevant to I call today "what is not right in my day".

Change is good. Sometimes I return to previous states of this and it feels good because it's something new (since it haven't happened for a long time it appears as new, but I still remember that it happened beafore.. or at least I think I remember this).

I wasn't able to find anyone in the chat system. Perhaps someone experienced could give me some advice. I don't think my sittuation is urgent, but if you can answer fast, it would be nice.

This thing must be like a virus, it mutates. The empty-objects is not very frequent during the last 2 years. Now, the most frequent thing is no-purpose. I cannot concentrate to anything. But sometimes I can concentrate, I do not know what is effecting this. It seems that I need to avoid concentraiting to what I am concentraiting, and if I concentrate to the void, it seems that I will definetely fall in. And I do.

Sometimes the origin of sadness is the unable-bility to do things necessary for myself (like studying, or get up from the computer/tv, or stop postponing). Is this a self-destructive personality? I hope not. Most of the times I just get up from what I am doing just to stop this awful feeling. I remember that I couldn't see "Requiem for a Dream" because it was causing me the same awful feeling.

One other effect is that I can't be sure for anything.

I think I remember one important incident. It was in 2001-2002. I was playing pool with friends. And something was no right from the beggining of that day (understand that my memory is not serving as well as I remember it did once). During the pool match, I was waiting for my turn to play, when I suddenly though that when I die, I will cease to exist... Something that could be described as a weave hit me, and the worlds ceased to exist. Maybe that worked as a mechanism to avoid the fear of death.

I also notice some flunctuation. I can recall that a year before, I was talking with a friend and asking him if he has the same thing with me. I was describing a situation like "depressin twice a day" while he was describing me something like "i fell 'down' once a month". I cannot remember what i ment, i just remember discussing this with him.

There is something else too. Lately (3-4 years) I am getting too tired too easy. Is this typical? There are moments that after a great load of tirement (walking for 5 hours in a sum during the day), something happens and I all-of-a-suddent more fresh than I was when I woke up in the morning.

Sudden threat is good, when I actually believe it. I find thilling some military situations (although I am almost sure that my idea of military is completelly wrong), survival situations (mountain, snow, wolves, dears, hunting), or nature-lonelyness situations (me in a wooden little house at the top of a snowy mountain). I think that desperate survival situations where the hero is outnumbered, are something that I like too, and I think that this is why I like an old (1994) game called "Doom 2".

Any contribution is welcome.

PS: the chatroom seems to be empty, is there any IRC channel?

 

[terri*]

Hello,

I wanted you to actually read a reply to your post. Many people have read it, but have not been able to reply. I am sure many feel as confused as you do. Many people have symtoms like yours. Some of your symptoms seem to be things that regular people can feel at times. I think part of it may just be maturing and trying to understand if the feelings you have about being age 20 is the okay way to be.

People will obsess...think of things over and over. Maybe do the same thing over and over. If it's ruining your life it can be a big problem.
Sometimes people feel like they live in their heads with their imaginations. Some people use this kind of thought pattern and become comic book writers or writers of movies.
When people are sad and depressed they can "feel sorry for themselves".
Some people are not comfortable being in public because they feel people are looking at them.
When we are sad we sometimes cry.

All of these things can be a pretty normal part of life. Sitting in a chair and feeling you have no purpose can be a sign of depression or it can be a sign that nothing in your life is exciting you.

This seems to come and go for you. Is that right? Sometimes you feel this way but sometimes not?

Has my letter/post made any sense to you? Am I understanding any part of the way you feel?

I would like to know if you have time to write again.

Take care,
terri*

 

[Guest]

dat shit is so long, your basically describing ur fucking personality and what you do daily, why dont you just give your fucked up symptoms like brain fog, dream vision, dissillusions... etc.

 

[terri*]

Please do not let the above post keep you from posting again. You did a great job of trying to describe how you are feelng. Many times people feel a need to be able to share all of what they are suffering. I know it is difficult enough to do, much more if you are from another country and trying hard to explain yourself.

Which is funny considering there are people with command of the english language who just use it to make an ass of themselves.

I do hope to hear from you again.
terri*

 

[Brainsilence02]

I remember a fact of the past and how I learned about DP: I was reading a newpaper in 2001 that was describing "Depersonalization" and it instantly looked like if it was describing some part of my condition with remarkable details (I have kept the newspaper). I remember that at the time reading that newspaper, I was thinking that I was into this condition already for at least 3-4 years. I cannot remember the cource of my condition (no mater of what my condition may really be) from that point till today. Today I try to remember what it was like a week ago and I can't.

I remember conversations during 2001-2004 when trying to describe this to an elder experienced relative and I remember I was describing the following things:

1. display to world
2. "i don't exist" - "the enviroment doesn't exist"
3. the objects are empty of emotions
4. a room with medium light and yet seemed to only have medium-lit and very-low-lit areas (I have examined my eyes and they are fine), like contrast changing
5. the automaton effect: my hands/legs are moving without me, my mind is replying without me
6. emptyness
7. the world seems like in a dreem, only that i cannot awake

Last time I had one of those observations, was September-October (maybe it was November, I cannot keep track of this).

But I really cannot bring those situations back into my mind. Those observations from time to time are been gradiently replaced by those:

1. It seems that none of the incidents that I remember, actually happened. I cannot focus very well on incidents happened 5 minutes ago. They are like implanted memories, the memories of another person. It is not always like this, but 50% of the times it is.
2. I cannot focus in my own essence. I wouldn't say "i don't exist", I would say "i am not here". And this may be irrelative.
2. I once could tell if I had this symptom or not (I didnt had all of them, just some), but I cannot any more, like my judgement doest work. I think this is a good sign, since I can't tell I have this symptom, then I don't.
3, The world is not giving enough feedback (pleasure). I don't seem to want to use the phrase "the world doesn't exist".
4. Although I see them, incidents are not happening. Sometimes.
5. My body is moving almost without my opinion (ALMOST, not entirely, and I use the word "opinion", not "will").
6. Purpose for doing things is gone. I don't have any reason to do anything. For instance eat. But I eat in the end.
7. Someone else is thinking for me. Sometimes.

It seems that the "symptoms" are falling back. My main concern at this time is that I cannot concentrate, I cannot remember, I cannot believe images (seeing) and sounds (hearing).

Maybe I never had DP/DR or anything alike. Maybe I had it and now it's gone. That's why I am posting to this forum, maybe someone could tell. I never had the intention to insult or abuse the forum.

---

terri*:

I know that all those things are very normal. And I may have entered details which are useless. I have observations that might come under DP/DR, but for some reason (which I cannot detect), I didn't entered them. Like I am not sure for them any more. Like they seem very distant. And maybe this is good thing.

Yes, all of these "symptoms" come and go, sometimes they are all absent this is a very very rare case), sometimes they are all present (the frequency of this also tends to reduce, which is good). Your post makes perfect sense, and maybe I have some minor mind-defect that will fade away all by itself. And maybe DP/DR is/was involved in a non-significant way. The perfect suggestion would be to go to a doctor, and I will, in a month or so. I though I could avoid it, but it seems that I can't.

I now read my post again and think that I have exaggerated and it might have come to the point of abasing. But at the time of writing it didn't seem exaggerated or abasing. I will be more careful in the future.

I have noticed that no matter if I have some things that look like DP/DR-related symtoms, I do not care about them, and I seem to be more concerned about the decisions I need to take at this age (and in next ages too). Is this an improovement? It seems to be. Nevertheless, I wanted an opinion on what it might be. Awareness that some of my observations could be related to DP/DR is important. This is because I trust people, who have been under DP/DR and are giving advices and opinions, more than a doctor paid on a per-visit basis.

I didn't understood Johnny_Utah's post right away, but I finaly did. Sometimes a harsh treatment against a person who's facing a problem could proove a good one: something like "snap out of it and take up your responsibilities!". I do not think I am vulnerable, at least at the moment I am writing this.

I indeed describe any part of my personality I could understand. I though that this way it would be possible for someone experienced to recognise something obvious (a certain mind-defect perhaps). I would much prefer to give my symptoms if I could recognise them but I cannot understand English scienfific documents very well, and it is difficult to detect myself what symptoms I have. If someone has an internet resource like "Depersonalization for dummies" then please let me know

Terri*, you were right about something else too: telling what is troubling you makes you feel better, as well as the relief that someone experienced thinks it must be something small.

My condition has variations, I have choosen a relatively good time to make my first post in this forum, a time that I will be able to analyze things.

 

[pfpc]

A very concise post second post. There are certainly elements of what you describe (your symptomology) that we all can relate to here. However, as I had mentioned to you, it is better to get a diagnosis from a professional.

And please don't make any excuses for you posts. We are glad that you are here and have shared your feelings with us. In addition to this being an excellent support forum, it is also very good for information. And if you ever need help deciphering those scientific docs, send my a PM or log into MSN messenger or Yahoo internet mesenger and I'll be glad to simplify the language fo you.

P.

 

[terri*]

Hi BrainSilence,

I was able to understand more with your second post. Vainglory is right about seeing many symptoms that relate to dp/dr and anxiety/ depression issues.

I am glad you came back to post more. And though I wrote the symptoms were normal things that can occur, I do not think what is happening with you is small or of little consequence. You are having a problem that needs to be acknowledged. And I agree with you when you say a doctor may be the best way to find out exactly what is happening to you.

I loved your comment about "Depersonalization for Dummies"! Very funny. Yes, and you let me know if you find that resource on the internet.

It sounds like Vainglory is going to be of extra special help for you if you need it. Besides that, keep reading and asking...and welcome to this site.

terri*

 

[sleepingbeauty]

brainsilence,

i have accute attention deficit disorder.. and i read every bit of what you wrote. its good that you wrote all that even though english is not your first language.. that must have been some feat.

you definately have dissociative disorder. like how you say you are living in a dream that is pretty classic and that is how ive been my entire life. it waxes and wanes.. but its always there. i know im brain damaged.. it just sucks that i KNOW IT. i mean.. like i feel the damage all the time. i FEEL broken and i think this is the dp/dr part. you cant stop that knowing and feeling that something is 'OFF'.

you certianly belong here. keep posting.

 

[Brainsilence02]

Vainglory, thanks, I will not hesitate asking. I have added my Yahoo Messenger ID to my profile. I will try to keep DP/DR specific reading into a minimum since I am not sure about specific things of my condition. I will try reading generic documentation so that it might help detecting something.

Terri*, I would prefer what is happening to me to be small or of little consequence. It's better beeing a fool than have something as serious as DP/DR (or depression)

SleepingBeauty, you mean there is a physical (brain) reason for having DP/DR? I didn't quite understood what you are having. I have read your website and it sounded bad. Thanks for reading my posts. It certainly seems funy, a person like me complaining. If someone compares my little annoyment with your problem it would be like a drop in the ocean. As for now, the "dream" effect has fallen back in such a way that I doubt it was ever here. I don't know if it will return, but I think not. I only remember discussing it with another person, but I find it hard to remember what I ment back then (when I was discussing it). It is possible that my case was passing (low intence). I read (in your website) that your mind is heading in 10 different directions. I am having something else since I was a kid. I am jumping from one subject to another very quickly. Like the subjects become boring. Sometimes I do this so quickly that family was complaining. As for my English, it seems that too many movies had their advantage; plus a good digital dictionary

---

The more I read on this forum the more I think that my case is very very light. I read the case of ...

There are several imaginations that place me out of it. Like suvival conditions (I have mentioned on that in my first post), military conditions, hostile enviroments (icy ridge, desert), or combinations of those. I have a guess of that could be: an effort to prove myself that I am important? (given that I think that such conditions are important) Is this recognizable or is it that all boys (little and big ones) are thrilled by such situations? In any case, such imaginations bring me into a level where my "symptoms" are not important, or are absent.

Would you support the idea "bring it on"? I mean pressing the subject (currently me) with responsibilities rather than relieving? But I yet fear that maybe I am (subconsiously) resorting into DP/DR to avoid a responsibility. I need to consider every possibility. Doctor appointment will follow within March, so I should have professional opinion in short time. But I have read (in this forum) for unfortunate doctor cases, and getting a number of (doctor) opinions seems to be the ideal solution.

In my previous post (the second one), I told that I cannot locate my initial "symptoms". I also told that I have other "symptoms" that I do not know what they might be. I think messed it up with the list. I will try to make a more clear statement of what is happening to me right now:

- My mind is blank most of the time. When I need to concentrate into a subject, I can't or find it very difficult.

- I have lost a considerable amount of walking stability. Sometimes I stumble. Once (in November I think) I had to touch the wall to walk. But that never happened again. There sometimes though, that my stability reaches 90% or 100%.

- I am 70%-90% aware of what I am doing.

- The world/reality does not look as vivid as I would like (like for instance when I was a kid). Could it be that I am too demanding and that all people see things this way?

- Sometimes, (real) dreams look very believable, but not always. Most of the times I do not see dreams.

- Most of the time, I feel like mentaly tired while I do not do anything with my mind (the "blank" thing I mentioned above).