so i decided to let these feelings and thoughts be...saw a shrink and just started zoloft. no effect from it yet, though my anxiety has gone through the roof. i blame the anxiety increase on my attempt to let all of the feelings and thoughts run wherever they want to...and try my best not to react harshly. that does not mean that i believe them, it is that i am trying my best to recognize them as what they are, and nothing more...uncomfortable thoughts and uncomfortable feelings...and i am trying even harder to believe that they wont kill me or make me crazy, that i am here in the present and ok here, there is nothing to fear right now, and if something comes up (i worry), then i will deal with it then, now i am free...again i am trying my hardest to obide by this belief. it is like learning to walk, i am stumbling right now. i have not experienced a break from the detachment, but i was able to cry for the first time in many years and feel angry. i am hoping the medicine will ease some of the doubt, but i am very skeptical. today i stumbled, i hope tomorrow will be better. atleast with facing these fears and doubts, i have less time to preoccupy myself with whether i or it is real or not. it was much easier to sit back and believe i didnt have the strength to face this, and i still dont know if i do...but i do know atleast that the fear is real...this gives me hope, before i doubted anything was real.