Trying to put words to this 'way of being'

Last night I got so frustrated....I couldn't stand it. Instead of resorting to more harmful ways of expressing myself, I grabbed a pen and started writing. The writing turned out to be a poem. I think a lot of people wouldn't understand it, or what was compelling me to write it. Maybe some of you wiil, though.......

"I Tried......Ha,Ha!"

Tried to do some laughing, you know, "have a happy day"

Tried and tried, pulled and climbed,
Smiled and giggled, jumped and squealed!
Positive thoughts...silly thoughts
Caught them, tried them on for size.

Uh-Oh!! OOps! What's that coming here?
Bad thoughts.....Bad thoughts, go away!
Messed-up. mussed-up, painful thoughts
Come again another day!

Leave me, leave me, pretty please go.
My childhood is lost, but what is that rope?
Maybe it's a vine, the kind you can swing on
I want to climb and be fancy-free!

Stop, stop!!..don't pry my hands from my climbing rope
I want to go up, make it of my own accord
Let me try, let me be me,
Let me laugh, giggle, kick...let me be content. Let me......

NO! NO! F.... you, NO!
Making me look at that dark black cloud!!!
It has a vortex that sucks me up
It says, "No fun, no kids allowed"

But you know what? You can't quite get me yet!
I'm not yours for the taking
Oh yes! I'm slipping- oops, oops.....
I'm moving, shivering, shaking.

Damn! Now I'm lose, but where is this?
It's a no-man's land, it is.
Filled with feelings that defy description
Grab one, grab another, that one's mine- this one's his.

Now I wander, dragging on
Trying to figure what it's all about
Looking aimlessly, cause I'm not really in it
Just pushing in directions, no marked route.

So you can see this is going nowhere.
Back and forth, round and round
Foolishness, rambling, silly folly
Thus are the writings of a confused, sad clown.[/color][/code][/code]

Yep, I am new here and just came to the realization, by my therapist telling me, that I have depersonilization disorder. I wrote the poem a couple of days ago when I was once againg feeling that I had no place in which to belong, in which to feel real.

I saw on some of the posts that some were searching for a description. My best one at the moment is that "you"(being those of us) sit on a high shelf somewhere, surveying all we see(kinda like Jiminey Cricket in Pinocchio). We see life going on, and can even comment on it, but it is awfully hard to figure out how to become a part of it. It makes no sense, except as an onlooker, and as on onlooker, you know that sooner or later the scenarios are gonna change, so what's the use in jumping in and getting on the bandwagon of something that's goning to be passe' pretty soon?

I could go on, trying to voice this, but if it makes sense to anyone, let me know. It is not making sense to many of those around me, and it is driving me nuts and beyond!